Tag: sobriety

Finding Recovery Through the Power of God

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling

For much of my life, I sought comfort in alcohol, food, and perfectionism. These were my solutions to uncomfortable emotions, pain, and fear. They promised relief but delivered chaos, shame, and despair. I repeated the same patterns for decades, expecting a different result—but true transformation only came when I surrendered to God.

Old Thinking

As a child, I struggled with intense emotions I didn’t know how to process. Food and perfectionism became ways to control my world, while alcohol later offered temporary confidence and escape. Addiction became my coping mechanism, even though it caused destruction in nearly every area of my life.

For years, I cycled through relapse, reckless behavior, and self-loathing. I hurt myself and others, but chaos became comfortable. When life felt hard, I escaped—immersing myself in alcohol, hiding behind perfection, or numbing myself in other ways. My coping strategies kept me from feeling, but they also kept me trapped.

Hitting Rock Bottom

The turning point came when I realized I was powerless over alcohol. I can’t fix my life on my own. My rock bottom was both terrifying and transformative. I faced the consequences of my actions. I truly surrendered for the first time.

It was in this surrender that I first felt God’s presence. Amid despair, a quiet peace settled over me, reminding me I was not alone. I began to understand that only a power greater than myself restore me to sanity. Alcoholics Anonymous calls this Step 2:

“We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”

For me, that Power is God.

Lessons Learned in Recovery

Recovery taught me that chaos was familiar, but calm was a gift from God. Avoidance strategies only deepened pain; facing life honestly brought freedom. I learned that to break the cycle, I had to do at least one thing differently. It was one step at a time. I was guided by faith.

Even after my spiritual awakening, the pull of addiction was strong. A week after my arrest, I found a way to drink one last time. The alcohol tasted revolting, and I felt disgusted with myself. That was my final drink, and five years later, I stay free from the chains of alcohol. It was God’s grace that gave me the strength to resist, and every day since has been a gift.

Even though I had surrendered and given up alcohol, I still wrestled with old struggles and temptations. I still loved Jesus but was occasionally drawn back to the dark side. Recovery was not about instant perfection. It was about the calmness and clarity. These came from surrendering to God and trusting Him with my life. That calmness became the foundation for true change.

God at the Center of My Recovery

Sobriety alone not have healed me. God addressed the root of my struggles, teaching me to face discomfort, process my emotions, and confront fear with faith. He replaced despair with hope, fear with faith, self-loathing with love, and chaos with purpose.

Through prayer, surrender, and community, I learned to let go of self-will and embrace His plan. Every meeting, every moment of reflection, and every small step forward became infused with His grace. Addiction had masked a deeper need for trust and connection—and only God fill that void.

Life After Surrender

Recovery is not instant or perfect. Life still presents challenges, but with God guiding me, I navigate discomfort with honesty, courage, and faith. Sobriety is no longer a battle against alcohol alone—it is a journey of spiritual growth.

  • Hope: Replacing despair with faith in God’s plan.
  • Calm: Learning to sit with difficult emotions instead of fleeing from them.
  • Strength: Trusting that God equips me for the challenges I face.
  • Purpose: Understanding that even past pain has shaped my path for good.
  • Love and Self-Worth: Embracing God’s love and seeing myself as He sees me.

Every day is a choice: to surrender, to stay vigilant, and to walk in faith. Addiction is relentless, but God’s presence is stronger. I have learned that when I turn to Him, I am never alone. The lies of fear lose their power.

The Promises of Sobriety

Sobriety is not the key to happiness—it is a step toward freedom. By giving up alcohol and other numbing behaviors, I have learned to live life fully and authentically. I feel calmer, more self-loving, and more connected to myself, others, and God.

“My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.”

Recovery requires persistence, courage, and humility. It’s about facing life on life’s terms, trusting God, and building a foundation of faith. The gifts of sobriety—clarity, peace, connection, and purpose—are abundant when we choose to surrender.

Through AA and the spiritual practice of handing over my will to God, I experienced self-transcendence. I discovered a sense of connection to something larger than myself. The parallels between spiritual growth and recovery became undeniable. God’s guidance transformed my mind, heart, and life. Community support was crucial. Consistent reflection also brought transformation.

Transformation Is Ongoing

Even now, I still face challenges, but I have learned to respond differently. I no longer run from discomfort or numb my feelings. Life is not always easy, but I now process emotions through prayer, reflection, and support. My faith reminds me that everything I face has a purpose, and God’s grace is constant.

Sobriety is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Every step I take is grounded in faith, humility, and gratitude. I no longer live in fear; instead, I move ahead with hope, guided by God’s wisdom and presence.

Conclusion

Addiction was never my true problem; fear was. My coping strategies once protected me, but they no longer serve me. Surrendering to God has freed me from the chains of my old life and transformed my heart.

Today, I am grateful for sobriety, guided by God, and committed to living authentically. My life is not perfect, but I have clarity, peace, and purpose. Through His grace, I can show up fully for my daughters, my community, and myself.

Sobriety is a gift, and faith in God is the foundation. Every step ahead is a step into His light, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, transformation is possible.

“Every day sober is a victory, and every moment surrendered to God is a step toward lasting freedom.”

Radical Acceptance: Living Life on Life’s Terms

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr

Old Thinking

Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm. 

From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control. 

In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.

Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability. 

In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating. 

During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction. 

The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues. 

As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.

Learned in Recovery

The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.  

Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. 

Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.

People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life. 

My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles. 

That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down. 

This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020. 

The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos. 

New Thinking

Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.

In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around. 

The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go. 

You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”.  Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative  emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control. 

Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness. 

Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.

Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys. 

Unlocking the Power of Vulnerability in Recovery

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”

Brené Brown

Old Thinking

Years ago I could not imagine much worse than emotional exposure. I did whatever I could to hide my true emotions and self from the world. To me, vulnerability felt weak and unsafe. Learning to be vulnerable has been one of the most difficult and rewarding aspects of my recovery. 

I used to fear vulnerability and was a master of disguise – hiding my emotions behind a facade of perfectionism and avoidance. Since I was a child, I have struggled with being my true self. I was eager to please and avoided conflict. I preferred to keep the peace and others happy, morphing into whatever I thought others wanted me to be.  I had unconsciously learned that being small and agreeable allowed me to avoid uncomfortable situations and control the narrative of how people saw me. 

As a result, I was disconnected from myself and others; using food to numb at an early age and turning to alcohol in my teenage years. Leaving home to attend university exacerbated my inner struggles. Perfectionism allowed me to project to others that I had it all together while secretly feeling insecure and inadequate. 

While already a people-pleaser by nature, being sexually assaulted as a teenager left me in a state of emotional paralysis. My nervous system was overwhelmed and shut down. A response of trauma is fear of vulnerability and emotional avoidance. Denial is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. By not acknowledging my emotions or what had happened to me, I was blocking it out and keeping myself safe. 

Consequently, I lacked deep connections with others because I was emotionally closed off. I had many people in my life but mostly at a superficial level as I kept them at a distance. I could not connect with others on an emotional level as I was numb on the inside. This was isolating and perpetually kept the cycle of depression and mental illness strong. 

When I went to rehab the second time, the doctors doubted that I would be successful in the program due to my obvious avoidance of vulnerability and perfectionism. One doctor went so far as to ask why I bothered staying because I clearly was not ready to change. Masking my vulnerability was so natural to me that I did not even realize that I was doing it. I could lie to your face about how I was doing and not think twice.

One thing about rehab is that they love talking about emotions. You meet multiple times a day to check-in but do not dare say “I feel good” when asked how you are feeling. You will promptly be told that ‘good’ is not a feeling and referred to the massive feelings wheel to better pinpoint your specific emotion then try again. 

Alright then I feel mad for all the stupid rules and expectations in rehab. Or I feel guilty for being here while my family is at home. Or how about that I feel perpetually sad? Any of those would work. 

Instead I simply reply: “I am happy” hoping to avoid further scrutiny or discussion. While far from the truth, perfectionism was deeply ingrained in me and truthfully, I did not know how to break free from it. I simply did not have the emotional safety and ability to identify, experience, and process all that was being brought to the surface. Not surprisingly, even while in rehab, I resorted to old coping habits to deal with the discomfort I was feeling (i.e. relapsing with alcohol, and restricting food). I simply could not be vulnerable. 

Learned in Recovery

Eventually, with the threat of being discharged, I was forced out of my comfort zone. Medical staff acknowledged that the process would be difficult for me but I had to at least put in some effort. I slowly began opening up and trying to identify and share how I was feeling with others. It was difficult as I felt exposed and unsafe. I did not want others to see the cracks in the image that I tried so hard to convey. What would people think of me? Would they see all my brokenness? Would they reject me?

Author Brené Brown speaks about vulnerability and has had a profound impact on my recovery. According to Brown, perfectionism (and lack of vulnerability) prevents one from having meaningful connections with others. She proceeds to say that “vulnerability is a catalyst to connection”. 

I experienced this firsthand as I started being open during group therapy and something shifted internally. By trusting and letting people in, I was forming genuine connections to others on an emotional level. This was new to me and although it was uncomfortable, I felt less alone. I also became more self-aware and compassionate to myself and those around me. 

I laughed immensely and experienced true joy at rehab. Not because it was a particularly enjoyable place to be but because I was learning to put down my facade in a safe environment with others with related issues. Many of us had been emotionally avoidant and were all learning to be vulnerable and forming connections with others for the first time since childhood. The term “recovery” means to “get back” and that is precisely what was happening. We were returning to a healthy state of mind before we got sidetracked by fear. 

Learning to put my guard down and be real and honest was grudgingly painful. Sometimes I would catch myself falling back into perfectionism and dodging vulnerability, especially when things got emotionally difficult. As I pulled away and retreated back into myself, the loneliness resumed and I was reminded of my newfound need for connection – which came from a willingness to have an open heart and be vulnerable.

New Thinking

Recovery has taught me the beauty of vulnerability as a key part of mental wellness. I no longer fear vulnerability or see it as a weakness. “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” asserts Brown. The benefits of being vulnerable are immeasurable and life-changing.

Brown also said that: “when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be known, we cultivate love.” My marriage and relationships have been radically enriched since I have learned to embrace vulnerability and truly be seen and known. I feel more loving towards life, myself and others. I now experience a deeper love for (and from) my daughters, husband, family, and friends. It is a new wonderful feeling and I truly bask in the comfort of loving and being loved without holding back. 

Vulnerability has given me the capacity to have meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging. High quality connections with others is integral to well-being. An important aspect of strong relationships is trust which builds emotional bonds and comes from being vulnerable. That includes allowing others to see the real you: flaws and all. There is beauty in imperfection. (Plus it’s exhausting trying to pretend to be something that you are not!)

Perfectionism used to protect me by keeping people at a distance but is now counterproductive to healing. Overcoming perfectionism means the acceptance of discomfort and embracing life on life’s terms. Brown asserts that: “Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”. I no longer strive to convey myself as having it all together or hide my flaws from others. I worry less about what others think of me. This has been one of the most difficult yet liberating realizations. My happiness is no longer contingent on what others think of me, nor is it any of my business. 

Feeling vulnerable has gradually become more natural. I finally feel emotionally safe to do so although admittedly it can be difficult at times. The difference is that I no longer use food or alcohol to numb or hide from my emotions. I now know that by avoiding my emotions, I was not just escaping the uncomfortable ones but also the pleasant ones. Ultimately, no emotion lasts forever; they come and go, rise and fall, like waves in the ocean. Fortunately, as I have learned to deal with my emotions and they have become more consistently stable, I do not experience such extreme highs and lows anymore. Which if we are talking waves is not good news for a surfer, but pretty ok for me.

I have learned that without processing your emotions, they do not go away.  Instead they become amplified and leave a residual effect in your life of unresolved business (often a root cause of addiction or other mental health issues). Denial does not work because your body does not forget. By embracing emotions as they come, you are taking control before emotions take control of you. 

Committing to vulnerability takes courage but is necessary to living an authentic life. The benefits of doing so are incredible. I continue to welcome vulnerability in my life and encourage others to do the same. By doing so, your relationships will be strengthened; your anxiety diminished; your self-awareness and self-compassion increased; and you will develop a greater appreciation of life. 

If you are courageous enough to be vulnerable, then expect positive things to come your way: “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” according to Brown. 

As evident, I hold Brené Brown in high esteem as her book has drastically enhanced my life: “Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live”. As Brown stresses, if you want to grow and live a meaningful life then you need to ‘lean into the discomfort’ and challenge old habits. This includes being vulnerable and learning to be authentically yourself. I highly recommend the book as my life has been transformed by breaking down my facade and allowing others to know me. 

Step out of your shadow and let your light shine! There is only one you so embrace your authentic self and reap the rewards of being genuine.