“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling
For much of my life, I sought comfort in alcohol, food, and perfectionism. These were my solutions to uncomfortable emotions, pain, and fear. They promised relief but delivered chaos, shame, and despair. I repeated the same patterns for decades, expecting a different result—but true transformation only came when I surrendered to God.
Old Thinking
As a child, I struggled with intense emotions I didn’t know how to process. Food and perfectionism became ways to control my world, while alcohol later offered temporary confidence and escape. Addiction became my coping mechanism, even though it caused destruction in nearly every area of my life.
For years, I cycled through relapse, reckless behavior, and self-loathing. I hurt myself and others, but chaos became comfortable. When life felt hard, I escaped—immersing myself in alcohol, hiding behind perfection, or numbing myself in other ways. My coping strategies kept me from feeling, but they also kept me trapped.
Hitting Rock Bottom
The turning point came when I realized I was powerless over alcohol. I can’t fix my life on my own. My rock bottom was both terrifying and transformative. I faced the consequences of my actions. I truly surrendered for the first time.
It was in this surrender that I first felt God’s presence. Amid despair, a quiet peace settled over me, reminding me I was not alone. I began to understand that only a power greater than myself restore me to sanity. Alcoholics Anonymous calls this Step 2:
“We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”
For me, that Power is God.
Lessons Learned in Recovery
Recovery taught me that chaos was familiar, but calm was a gift from God. Avoidance strategies only deepened pain; facing life honestly brought freedom. I learned that to break the cycle, I had to do at least one thing differently. It was one step at a time. I was guided by faith.
Even after my spiritual awakening, the pull of addiction was strong. A week after my arrest, I found a way to drink one last time. The alcohol tasted revolting, and I felt disgusted with myself. That was my final drink, and five years later, I stay free from the chains of alcohol. It was God’s grace that gave me the strength to resist, and every day since has been a gift.
Even though I had surrendered and given up alcohol, I still wrestled with old struggles and temptations. I still loved Jesus but was occasionally drawn back to the dark side. Recovery was not about instant perfection. It was about the calmness and clarity. These came from surrendering to God and trusting Him with my life. That calmness became the foundation for true change.
God at the Center of My Recovery
Sobriety alone not have healed me. God addressed the root of my struggles, teaching me to face discomfort, process my emotions, and confront fear with faith. He replaced despair with hope, fear with faith, self-loathing with love, and chaos with purpose.
Through prayer, surrender, and community, I learned to let go of self-will and embrace His plan. Every meeting, every moment of reflection, and every small step forward became infused with His grace. Addiction had masked a deeper need for trust and connection—and only God fill that void.
Life After Surrender
Recovery is not instant or perfect. Life still presents challenges, but with God guiding me, I navigate discomfort with honesty, courage, and faith. Sobriety is no longer a battle against alcohol alone—it is a journey of spiritual growth.
Hope: Replacing despair with faith in God’s plan.
Calm: Learning to sit with difficult emotions instead of fleeing from them.
Strength: Trusting that God equips me for the challenges I face.
Purpose: Understanding that even past pain has shaped my path for good.
Love and Self-Worth: Embracing God’s love and seeing myself as He sees me.
Every day is a choice: to surrender, to stay vigilant, and to walk in faith. Addiction is relentless, but God’s presence is stronger. I have learned that when I turn to Him, I am never alone. The lies of fear lose their power.
The Promises of Sobriety
Sobriety is not the key to happiness—it is a step toward freedom. By giving up alcohol and other numbing behaviors, I have learned to live life fully and authentically. I feel calmer, more self-loving, and more connected to myself, others, and God.
“My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.”
Recovery requires persistence, courage, and humility. It’s about facing life on life’s terms, trusting God, and building a foundation of faith. The gifts of sobriety—clarity, peace, connection, and purpose—are abundant when we choose to surrender.
Through AA and the spiritual practice of handing over my will to God, I experienced self-transcendence. I discovered a sense of connection to something larger than myself. The parallels between spiritual growth and recovery became undeniable. God’s guidance transformed my mind, heart, and life. Community support was crucial. Consistent reflection also brought transformation.
Transformation Is Ongoing
Even now, I still face challenges, but I have learned to respond differently. I no longer run from discomfort or numb my feelings. Life is not always easy, but I now process emotions through prayer, reflection, and support. My faith reminds me that everything I face has a purpose, and God’s grace is constant.
Sobriety is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Every step I take is grounded in faith, humility, and gratitude. I no longer live in fear; instead, I move ahead with hope, guided by God’s wisdom and presence.
Conclusion
Addiction was never my true problem; fear was. My coping strategies once protected me, but they no longer serve me. Surrendering to God has freed me from the chains of my old life and transformed my heart.
Today, I am grateful for sobriety, guided by God, and committed to living authentically. My life is not perfect, but I have clarity, peace, and purpose. Through His grace, I can show up fully for my daughters, my community, and myself.
Sobriety is a gift, and faith in God is the foundation. Every step ahead is a step into His light, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, transformation is possible.
“Every day sober is a victory, and every moment surrendered to God is a step toward lasting freedom.”
Recently I had the opportunity to speak at a Christian Women’s Retreat. When I told a Christian friend that I was asked to speak at the event, her response caught me off guard. She said that she was surprised that they have someone “like me” speaking. I pondered this comment afterwards and questioned my suitability for the event.
Suddenly my imperfections and sins seemed like disqualifiers and I felt inadequate. I opened my speech with this disclosure and admitted that my past is ugly and dark. However, I said, I now have a heart for God and surrendered my life to Him after a powerful Spiritual Awakening. The point is that we were all there glorifying God – no matter how we came to be a believer.
Thankfully the audience clapped and I heard many “Amens” which I interpreted as acceptance. I was incredibly nervous to speak but felt compelled to share my story of hope and how God saved my life.
Where I Was: My Self-Will Run Riot
I struggled with my mental health from a young age and fell into addiction and an eating disorder to escape my inner anguish. Being sexually assaulted in my teenage years compounded my mental instability. Alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia helped to dull the pain of hopelessness, shame, and feelings of low self-worth. I believed all the lies I heard while in this dark place. My own self-will was running my life and caused tremendous chaos and poor choices. This continued for two decades and included several trips to rehab, psych wards, and jail. The dark side had a hold of me and fear was controlling my life.
While in rehab, I attended countless 12-step meetings and had witnessed the success of the program. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that something greater than me was my only potential for recovery; however, I struggled to give up control of my life to a Higher Power so my downward spiral continued.
In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halting stop when I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell and sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours just going over things in my head. I was hopeless that I would ever recover from addiction and other mental health issues. The decision was made that I was better off dead.
What Happened: How I Came to Know God
At some point during my ruminating and familiar thoughts of self-loathing in jail, I experienced clarity and calmness. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit for a long stretch of highway; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention.
I recognized that this was a Spiritual Awakening and rock bottom that I desperately needed. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed; and I heard God speak to me. I knew that I needed His help and I was finally willing to give up control since my ways were clearly not working.
This change of heart put me on the path to recovery but I still had a long road ahead of me: facing the consequences of my criminal charges and putting the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. However, I felt hopeful that I could recover and that was enough to keep the momentum going. Another miracle was that my obsession to drink had been removed. By the grace of God, I have not had alcohol since July 22, 2020.
The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. It was not just the absence of alcohol but also my willingness to be honest and connected to God that brought about significant changes. I saw the work ahead of me and no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation but had a newfound stillness and faith in my heart.
When learning new habits, I was told that I cannot always trust my first thought as it is involuntary. Since you cannot control it, you are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and action. With time and practice, my immediate response became more aligned with God and my recovery goals as I was building new neural pathways in a healthier direction.
I was engaged with life in new ways and doing things to draw closer to God: Reading the bible, praying, and attending church. I was experiencing many positive changes and learning how to live a healthy life.
Spiritual Warfare
In spite of that, the closer I wanted to get to God, the more Satan attacked me – preying on my weaknesses. I started to doubt my worthiness and my ability to recover. Anxiety and fear took hold of me again. While I abstained from alcohol, I resorted to other poor coping strategies: anorexia, bulimia, and marijuana use. The difference was that these behaviours no longer served the same purpose and I felt guilty and unsatisfied – God’s Spirit inside me was grieved.
By allowing myself to be overcome by anxiety and fear, and subsequently taking back my control, this gave occasion to sin and I fell back into my old destructive ways. In choosing those behaviours, I was deciding to live independently of His will for me. I could not take my recovery for granted and I needed to maintain constant contact with God and continue to surrender (multiple times a day, if necessary) and put my trust in Him.
My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like Spiritual Warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding me lies to bring me down. They say that outside of an AA meeting, your addiction is waiting, doing push-ups in the parking lot; always waiting for you to be weak.
Thankfully, I now recognize Satan’s strategies so I am better equipped for battle. I heard a quote that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war.” By becoming aware of my internal spiritual battles, I can better fight against Satan when he tries to keep me from God’s calling.
Where I Am Today: Life with God
The past four years have been hard work despite inviting God into my life. I still struggle with temptation, sin, and falling from grace. Fortunately, by taking it one day at a time, the days have added up and my relationship with God has grown. I have developed new ways of thinking and living so I respond to life differently. God has transformed me and enriched my life in countless ways.
Faith
While I used to use alcohol and other poor coping skills to escape, I now take a pause when I feel overwhelmed and lean into God. I have faith that He will see me through anything; trusting that He will make a way even when a situation seems hopeless.
I heard this quote and it is bang on: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels.” By praying and trusting God, I no longer have to struggle on my own. I can trust that He is there for me, even in difficult times.
Hope
Faith in God means that I have enduring hope. I now see that alcohol was never my problem – it was my solution. Fear was my problem. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe, or act on, everything I think.I am learning to allow hope and faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear.
Now when I feel fear, I know that I need to go to God and pray. As they say in AA: “Let Go and Let God”.By being willing to let go of my own self-will and surrendering to God, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart. That is the beauty of recovery and God’s grace.
Purpose
I am starting to see myself in a different light and see God’s purpose for me. All my chaos, pain, and suffering was calculated and God knew what he was doing all along. I used to feel defined by shame and inadequacies. Now I understand that everything that I have encountered – even the awful things – have been part of my journey. Throughout Scripture, broken people are the vessels God chose to use for His redemptive plan. I feel the push from God to use my brokenness to connect with others.
Speaking at the Women’s retreat encouraged me that my imperfections and sins did not disqualify me and I am more than enough to impact where I am right now. I received positive feedback from an abundance of ladies, thanking me for my vulnerability and inspiration. Based on several conversations I had afterwards, I can see that my testament was impactful in providing hope to others and glory to God.
I am continuing to work on embracing God’s plan for me and discovering my divine assignment. I will keep praying that God will mature me, focus me, and equip me with the mindset needed to bring Him Glory.
A Changed Heart
Today I have hope, faith, and purpose. I am grateful to feel transformed and have a second chance at life. I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. By surrendering and putting my trust in God, my life went from dark to light. He restored me to sanity and hope from addiction and hopelessness. He has shown me the errors of my faulty foundations and overthrown all the lies. I am rebuilding my foundation on rock. I am grateful for my struggles as they brought me to God who revealed my strengths.
The road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. When you have hope and trust God, you will never be alone. If you are struggling with addiction or the pull of the dark side, there is hope. Find a 12-step meeting or find community support. Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. You are not beyond His reach and you can recover.
“This is rape culture – this tendency for good men, the kind of men who say they’re outraged by rape, to repeatedly ignore and maybe even support the behaviors that excuse rape.”
May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so the topic has been on my mind. I got thinking about last summer when I was asked to speak to a women’s group about my recovery journey and was approached by an emotional woman afterwards. She was visibly distraught and waited patiently to talk with me amidst the line of others. When it was her turn, she immediately blurted out: “How can I prevent THAT from happening to my daughters?” With an emphasis on the word ‘that’, clearly referring to sexual assault. I was taken aback by her intensity and bluntness.
I suddenly felt like I needed to calm this woman and provide her with some reassurance. As a mom to two daughters myself, I can appreciate her anxiety but this was out of my realm. I was only there to share my story and have no professional expertise. However, this lady was determined that I say something – her eyes burning a hole through me.
I told her that I did not have the answer and encouraged her to raise strong girls that listened to their intuition. (Not a great answer at all but guilt from not trusting my own gut haunted me for years).
Looking back, I wish that I had more time to get on my soapbox and scream from the rooftops that it is not up to girls to prevent sexual assault from happening to them but it boils down to men respecting consent.
The topic angers me, particularly after experiencing my own sexual assault which derailed my life; and now being a mother to two daughters. Plus I am angry on behalf of countless other women that have been sexually assaulted.
Approximately 4.7 million women – or 30% of all women aged 15 and older – have been sexually assaulted outside of an intimate relationship at least once since age 15 (Statistics Canada, 2019).
In over half (52%) of sexual assault incidents, the perpetrator was a friend, acquaintance, or neighbour of the victim. These statistics are revolting and something needs to change.
Since becoming open about my own sexual assault and seeing how much damage the trauma did to my mental health, I am driven to brave the conversation and talk about sexual assault. I have much to say about the subject but with few answers.
If that much sexual assault is happening yet the conviction rate is so low, those men are living among us. Monsters among us. I look around with skepticism as I wonder who the sexual deviants may be. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, lying in wait for their unsuspecting victim.
How are so many men capable of sexual violence? Do they set out to sexual assault or is it a crime of opportunity?
Years ago I had a conversation about sexual assault with a police officer and he was adamant that “rapists are born rapists” and no amount of precautions will prevent one from being victimized. Our conversation quickly turned into a heated debate with no resolution. I was shocked to hear a police officer hold this opinion – undermining the importance of teaching men not to rape and putting the sole responsibility on women to protect themselves. His viewpoints left me spiraling, causing me to question my own convictions.
I could not shake his cynical point of view nor did I want to believe it. I believe in educating young men. I believe that sexual assaults can be prevented and that rapists are not born rapists. Am I wrong? Delusional?
Rape Culture
Perhaps it is a slippery slope as a result of rape culture? Whether you realize it or not, rape culture is deeply embedded in our language and social norms.
Rape culture is a term used to show the ways in which society blame victims of sexual assault and normalizes sexual violence. Unfortunately, the normalization of rape culture is prevalent and many people perpetuate rape culture simply by tolerating it and not doing anything to stop it.
Some examples of normalizing rape culture:
Comments such as: “boys will be boys” or “men are just pigs”
Victim shaming (i.e. “what was she wearing?”)
Defending rapists (i.e. “he didn’t know that she wasn’t into it”)
Rape jokes (i.e. “he got raped by his wife in the divorce”)
Sexist attitudes
Locker room banter
School dress codes – archaic with double standards
Unequal pay
Music that degrades women or victims (i.e. “you know you want it”)
Sexual assault education often focusing on women being told to take measures to ensure they are not raped as opposed to men being told not to rape.
These examples will not cause rape alone. However it’s a hierarchy of progression from normalization (bottom tier) to degradation to physical violence (top tier). The attitudes and actions from normalization and acceptance of bottom tiers reinforce and excuse those behaviours higher up – thus perpetuating rape culture.
Society must change for rape culture to change. One person at a time, let’s start the conversation. Rape culture does not outwardly promote rape and maybe you would not personally rape someone. But by participating in the normalization of it (above examples) and not stopping it, you are maintaining the culture of sexual violence in society.
Brave the conversation. Shut down the comments. Refuse to participate. Educate others. Stand up for the victim. One conversation at a time we can change the culture and prevent further violence.
Consent
Also let’s talk more openly about consent. If you have a son, do not shy away from this topic! Consent rules in Canada states that the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. You need to actively seek consent!
The person initiating sexual activity needs to take reasonable steps to establish consent. If you are unsure, stop and ask: “Is this okay?”
Recognize nonverbal signs of refusal such as:
Avoiding eye contact
Crying
Pushing away
Shaking head no
Silence
Not being responsive
If someone doesn’t give you consent for sexual activity, STOP!
The law and consent:
You have the right to withdraw consent at any time during sexual activity
Even if you’ve consented to start a sexual act with someone, you have the right to stop it at any time.
Consenting to one kind of sexual activity does not automatically mean consenting to another.
If you don’t want to do something, you have the right to say, “STOP!”
As a high school health and physical education teacher, my husband emphasizes the importance of consent with his male teenage students. Ensuring that these young men understand that the absence of no does not equal yes. He reiterates that enthusiastic consent is necessary.
Reporting
Furthermore, did you know that sexual assault is among the crimes which are least likely to be reported to the police? Studies found that an estimated 78% of sexual assaults were not reported (according to Canada’s Department of Justice).
Victims do not report incidents of sexual assault for various reasons. While we cannot influence some of those reasons, we, as society, can improve by creating a culture where victims feel safe and validated to report their sexual assault, without fear of: victim-shaming, not being believed, ridicule or belittlement.
By not reporting sexual assaults, the same perpetrators are left free to reassault or victimize others. This has repeatedly been shown in the media where multiple sexual allegations are made against the same perpetrator often only after another victim has come forward and often years later.
In addition to underreporting, sexual assault victims are also less likely to seek professional help or speak to others about their experience. Not dealing with trauma may lead to increased psychological pain such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and much more.
If you have been sexually assaulted, I encourage you to seek professional help to work through your trauma. Trauma affects your mind and body so treatment or therapy can help you reconnect with yourself to feel whole again. Recovering from trauma takes intentional hard work but is well worth it and feeling inner peace again is possible.
Coming from a survivor that has recently worked through my own past trauma after years of inner pain, it’s sad to think of how many victims still live with trauma weighing heavy on their heart and I hope to inspire others to seek recovery.
Be courageous and have awkward conversations with your children. Sexual violence is an uncomfortable subject but by encouraging open dialogue about the topic, we can help stop the silence and suffering of victims and prevent further assaults. I dream of a world for our daughters where men respect women as equals and there is an end to sexual violence.
“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly despite the fear”
-Atticus
If you have been sexually assaulted, call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Or check online for your local Sexual Assault Centres, Crisis Lines, And Support Services.
In Ontario, check out the Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres (OCRCC):
Ontario-wide Support
Assaulted Women’s Helpline: 1-866-863-0511
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
Talk4Healing, for Indigenous women: 1-855-554-HEAL
I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to be.
– Carl Jung
Old Thinking
Learning to overcome my trauma has been the most difficult aspect of my recovery. It has also been incredibly liberating as I have released myself from the chains of my past. Trauma changed me but it no longer controls me.
Being sexually assaulted at age 15 had an immediate life-changing and damaging effect on my life. I was left feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and disconnected from life. I was not developmentally able to process what had happened and despair quickly took hold, causing me to attempt suicide shortly afterwards.
I subsequently remained hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks, then returned to high school like everything was normal – hiding behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; unable to deal with my emotions. I was traumatized and unaware how much this incident would control me over the next twenty years.
I continued to struggle with my mental health throughout university and eventually ended up going to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. When counselors pushed me to talk about my past sexual trauma, I panicked and dropped out of the treatment program early. Consequently, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor.
Unbeknownst to me, trauma was affecting my life in multiple ways beyond being in denial. I carried around substantial shame about what had happened which perpetuated my dysfunctional coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse and disordered eating. My life was consistently full of drama as my emotions were running the show. I was anxious, irrational, and overreactive. I was also depressed and disengaged with life, lacking meaningful connections to others largely due to trust issues and a fear of vulnerability. The light of who I was had dimmed to near darkness.
There were countless times that I could not understand why I acted the way I did. I could not articulate my needs or override my emotional brain when it was triggered, causing over-activity and over-reactivity (e.g. fight/flight/freeze response). Men were a strong trigger for me.
For instance, one time I was intimidated by a guy at a bar so I abruptly left the bar (without telling anyone) because I felt unsafe and needed to escape.
Another time I fainted at university and woke up to several firefighters surrounding me. I became overwhelmed and aggressive (much to the surprise of the professionals trying to help me).
These instances of my emotional brain taking over were usually followed by embarrassment and a realization that my reaction was inappropriate and over the top. Thus continuing my belief that I was crazy and forever mentally unstable.
For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health and was in denial, vehemently avoiding my emotions and detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. I felt hopeless that I would recover from my inner anguish and that my daughters were better off without me and my plethora of issues. Thus leading to an intentional overdose in February 2019.
Learning in Recovery
Afterwards in the hospital, the Psychiatrist assessing me explained that I acted the way I did due to unresolved trauma. He proceeded to tell me that trauma is any pattern of activating your stress response system that leads to a lasting emotional response long after the traumatic event has ended.
Trauma changes your brain activity and neurobiology. The stuff that happens to you plays a role in who you are and how you behave – socially, emotionally, and physically.
This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own behaviour. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it.
Once in rehab I learned a great deal about the impact of trauma. I was told that “You are not responsible for what happened to you but your recovery is your responsibility”. Trauma is complex and healing would require a multifaceted approach.
I became aware that I was living in hypervigilance, an elevated state of alertness. My limbic system (emotional brain) was hyperactive and prone to respond more impulsively, called an Amygdala Hijack.
With someone that has experienced trauma, stimuli can trigger overactivity in the amygdala (part of the limbic system that detects danger) and causes a sudden and intense emotional response that is an overreaction to the event (e.g. fear). This ‘hijacking’ occurs when the amygdala takes control and prepares the body for fight, flight, or freeze.
The more the amygdala is used, it will continue to grow in density and is more likely to be triggered again in the future. This helped explain why I would often overreact to situations and not understand my intense reaction. Therefore, I needed to learn how to get out of autopilot by gaining control over my brain’s emotional reactions.
I learned to take a pause when I felt my limbic system being activated. To return to the safety of the present moment, I developed skills that “ground” me in the present. These skills help to focus or reconnect me so that I begin to safely feel emotions without fight-or-flight response. Grounding skills are behaviours that distract and refocus you, so that you can safely cope. Essentially learning to tolerate distress instead of “acting out” and falling victim to emotions again.
Another important aspect of my trauma recovery was learning the importance of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to rewire my logical brain to override my emotional brain. Through CBT training, the brain actually reinforces the neural pathways and they become stronger so it becomes increasingly easier to deal with stressful situations. I regularly practiced various healthy thinking patterns to reinforce and strengthen the paths in my brain and change my immediate responses.
Additionally, during trauma treatment I was required to address ‘stuck points’ that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things. The traumatic event had a negative effect on my beliefs about myself, others, and the world in many areas, including my sense of safety, trust, power/control, esteem, intimacy, and more. By systematically working through each stuck point, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years.
In treatment I also learned the healing power of connecting. I was blessed to have been put in an all women trauma group and felt safe and secure as I worked through trauma. Being vulnerable and connecting with others was new to me as “trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection” (Stephen Porges)
Recovering from trauma also required me to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did not cause what happened to me and I needed to free myself from that belief. Developing self-compassion has been pivotal to my healing. By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds.
New Thinking
I am proof that recovery from trauma is possible. I am no longer a victim and have been freed from my past which once defined me. It has been a long and difficult journey but well worth it. I feel like I have a second chance at life.
Being told that my behaviour and mental issues were due to unresolved trauma gave me hope that I could get well. For years I had tried to suppress what had happened but my subconscious would not forget and I was left with emotional residue from not addressing things. I can now see that I was, unknowingly, living in a state of Amygdala Hijack for over twenty years due to trauma.
It took me multiple trips to rehab but I eventually came to know that things were not going to improve and I was not going to maintain sobriety or mental wellness until I faced and worked through what had happened to me; whether I wanted to or not.
Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it.
Recovery required a multifaceted approach in addition to diligence and dedication. I needed to address the unprocessed feelings of the incident and learn new skills. Fortunately neurobiology allows brain connections to be changed to create new pathways to health. Today I have learned to ground myself and no longer feel overtaken by emotions or perceived threats.
I continue to work on challenging my unhealthy thinking patterns and am more comfortable facing unpleasant emotions and stressful situations. I no longer feel the need to avoid my emotions with alcohol or disordered eating. Sobriety has enabled me to see things more clearly and logically.
Additionally, I am more trusting of men and no longer look at them under a cloud of suspicion. Furthermore by understanding the behavioral patterns behind trauma, I have increased my compassion and awareness as a teacher.
Trauma can be caused by a big or small traumatic event: neglect, divorce, abuse, living in a war zone, bullying etc. The same event will be processed by people differently so may be traumatic to some and not others.
Unresolved trauma will not go away. Trauma can make you more vulnerable to developing mental health problems (especially addiction) and negatively impact your well-being.
I encourage you to talk to someone if you have been through trauma and not processed it. I experienced the healing and freeing power of sharing my secret as some things are too big of a burden to carry alone.
It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life. I am excited for this new chapter in my life as overcoming trauma brings post-traumatic wisdom and growth.
The sharing of your story is powerful so take what has happened to you and turn it into power.
“Be Strong. Be Brave. Be Fearless. You Are Never Alone”
Joshua 1:9.
Old Thinking
Fear used to run my life, except the thing about fear is that it does not always look as you would expect. I did not feel fearful. Unbeknownst to me, fear was the driving force behind many of my dysfunctional behaviours. Recovery has shown me that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem.
I have long struggled with my mental health. Since I was a little girl, I experienced anxiety. A people-pleaser by nature, afraid of letting others down or exposing my true self. Fear told me that I was not cool or fun enough so I mostly stayed on the sidelines, too insecure to venture outside of my comfort zone. I hid behind perfectionism to conceal my emotions and found ways to relieve my discomfort.
Starting high school was stressful for me as I felt like a little fish in a big sea. An intense fear of failure or being vulnerable kept me from getting involved in many social activities. I felt out of place and apprehensive – falling deeper into anorexia and bulimia.
Alcohol entered my life around age 15 and was a game-changer as I realized that I had courage and confidence after drinking. I distinctly remember drinking to muster up the courage to talk to a boy that I liked and would not talk to sober. Drinking to manage social anxiety and boost my confidence soon became a regular routine for me over my subsequent twenty-year drinking career.
At 15, I was sexually assaulted and my life overturned. Afterwards I felt confused and did not know how to process what had happened. Shame quickly took over. Gas lighting causes one to not trust oneself. I wondered if I was even a good person. If I misread that situation then how can I believe that I know anything at all? Once again fear spoke the loudest and soon after, I attempted suicide.
I refused to talk about or acknowledge what had happened and soon found myself in a very dark place where I stayed for nearly 20 years. The dark side capitalized on my mental state and fed me lies all the time: you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough. I believed all of it. That sent me further into depression, shame, guilt, despair, and hopelessness which continued the negative spiral.
Learned in Recovery
When I started my recovery, I quickly learned how much fear had been holding me back in life. Much of my behavior was driven by fear. I was afraid: to be vulnerable; to put myself out there; to take chances; to be myself; that I was not good enough, and more. Fear caused me to look for ways to escape and live life at a distance.
It also became clear how much my past sexual assault trauma was affecting me. Without resolution, healing does not take place. Traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology, impacting how you react to situations.
Anxiety is irrational fear so I learned that the mix of my anxious personality in addition to trauma kept me hypervigilant, in a constant state of fight-or-flight. This frequently happened without conscious thought (called an “Amygdala Hijack”) as I had a hyperactive stress response to perceived threats.
Recovery from trauma is possible. I learned how to respond to such physiological responses in my body by recognizing when I need to ground myself again to reactivate my cognitive system. By doing so, I am now demonstrating greater control over my emotions and anxiety while decreasing my fear response.
The 12-step program has also been transformative to me in understanding and overcoming fear. While in rehab, attending daily 12-step meetings (i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous) was mandatory as part of the treatment program. I learned about the strong connection between fear and addiction. Fear is a maladaptive behaviour that manifests as anxiety and often leads to poor coping skills, such as addiction. When we let ourselves be subconsciously driven by fear, we often end up suffering greatly.
I heard countless stories of how others found recovery through the 12-step program and I wanted the peace that they had achieved. The first step of the program is being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Step two is based on hope and the belief that only a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Step three is the process of faith and surrender. It asserts that a lifetime of recovery can only be achieved by making the decision to turn over your will to a higher being.
I could admit that I was powerless but was perpetually stuck on steps 2 and 3; having hope and faith, respectively. Therefore, fear continued to get in my way and as much as I wanted to, I could not give up control and surrender. Not surprisingly, my chaos persisted and the dark side continued to pull me down. I believed all the lies that filled my head which perpetuated the cycle.
Being charged with impaired driving in July 2020 was my final rock bottom and pivotal turning point in my life. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day, as things could have easily ended in a tragically-different way.
I could clearly see that I needed something bigger than myself to be restored to health. The third step requires turning your will and your life over to God. I was finally ready surrender and committed to doing whatever it took to get sober and well, since my ways were obviously not working.
It was a long process as I still struggled with an eating disorder. Despite that, giving up alcohol was a necessary first step to wellness. The Serenity Prayer seemed to be working through me as I now accepted the things that I could not change and felt courageous to change the things that I could. I felt a strong presence of God during this time. Recovery did not happen overnight but by taking it one day at a time, the days started adding up and my faith grew.
New Thinking
My life has been completely transformed as a result of experiencing a spiritual awakening. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed but miraculously, I was awakened to the grace of God and an obvious shift happened within me.
Prior to knowing God, my life was chaotic. I was a victim of fear and used many different ways to escape: Alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism. I finally realized that the coping mechanisms that once protected me were no longer useful.
By being willing to surrender and let go of my own self-will, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart as a result. This openness to relying on a power greater than myself has restored me to sanity and brought peace and calmness to my life.
Today I am grateful to feel reborn and have a second chance at life. I have finally given up my control and put my trust in God’s plan. Life is not perfect and I still fall from grace but now I have developed new ways of thinking and living.
A friend told me that: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels”. I used to be the girl that fought back but now I know to turn to God.
I am learning to allow faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear. If I find myself overcome by anxiety and fear, I take a pause and turn to God to ask for strength. Let Go and Let God (as they say in the program).
My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like spiritual warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding you lies to bring you down. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe everything I think.
I love the words in the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle: “I keep fighting voices in my head that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up”. By the end of the song, Daigle describes laying all of her at His feet. This is a powerful song about overcoming all the lies we tell ourselves and a reminder to turn to God when we are weak because He is strong.
If you do not recognize Satan’s strategies, it is hard to defeat them. But once you see them and hold them up to the light, they lose their power. And you can better equip yourself for battle. I can now recognize fear as the darkside pulling on me, without falling victim or resorting to old habits. As someone that has struggled for years, I was told something in rehab that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war”.
Consider how fear is affecting your own life. Perhaps you would benefit from surrendering in areas where you feel powerless. There is recovery from fear but you may need to surrender your own ways and have faith in a power greater than yourself.
Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. Stop hiding in fear and step out of the shadows.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”
Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr
Old Thinking
Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm.
From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control.
In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.
Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability.
In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it.
Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating.
During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction.
The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues.
As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.
Learned in Recovery
The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.
Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering.
Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.
People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life.
My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles.
That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down.
This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020.
The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.
While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos.
New Thinking
Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.
In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around.
The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go.
You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”. Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control.
Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness.
Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.
Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys.
“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”
Kristin Neff
Old Thinking
Self-compassion has been a huge part of my mental health recovery. By learning to treat myself with love, kindness, and understanding, I have decreased my anxiety, depression, addictions, and fear of failure. Turning my love inwards has drastically improved my overall well-being.
Previously I lacked self-compassion and was perpetually hard on myself. From a young age, I struggled with perfectionism and never felt like enough. I had signs of an eating disorder by age 8 as I was an anxious child looking to find control in my world. By grade 5, I had a list of foods that I decided that I was not allowed to eat and penalties if I did eat them. I would berate myself with put downs, considering myself weak and lazy. Clearly this shows early signs of internal struggles. It also demonstrates my tendency to be highly self-critical – a negative thinking pattern that would plague me for decades.
As I already struggled with self-criticism, the trauma of being sexually assaulted at age 15 skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for years. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly perpetuated my suffering.
I used to obsessively ruminate about my assault, playing the incident over and over relentlessly. Stuck points dictated my thinking: “I am such an idiot for putting myself in that position. How could I be so stupid? I can never trust myself again”. I repeatedly felt like I ruined my own life as I caused what happened to me. I had turned against myself and simply could not move on which left me stuck in spiraling in mental illness.
I used perfectionism to hide the emotional turmoil of what had happened and coping strategies such as alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia. Of course, this did little to help but exacerbated my self-criticism and feelings of shame.
Eating disorders are an excellent way to hide emotions and deny reality. They thrive in shame: “You are fat. You are weak and pathetic; You did not exercise enough yesterday so you do not deserve to eat today; You still weigh too much, you undisciplined loser. When you are skinny, then you will be lovable”. Shame fuels the eating disorder and the eating disorder fuels shame.
The same can be said for addiction. I drank to suppress my pain and feel better. Then I would sober up and feel guilty for drinking again but the little voice in my head told me that drinking was the answer to feeling better so onwards went the cycle (this is called insanity, when you continue to do the same thing but expect different results). The shame and self-criticism continued: “You are only fun when you drink; No one likes you sober; You weak loser. You could not even make it two days; You will never succeed with sobriety; You will always be an alcoholic”. I drank to feel better but eventually drinking increased my self-loathing.
As unprocessed feelings went on for years, the worse and more unbalanced I felt. I was completely out of touch with my true feelings other than shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I hit a tipping point and did not feel like I was worth much or would ever get better. This led to my intentional overdose and the subsequent start of my recovery journey in 2019.
Learned in Recovery
My first insight into self-compassion was felt while being evaluated by the emergency psychiatrist after overdose. He suggested that I may have PTSD after sexual assault and that many of my issues might be resolved if I mentally processed that event. He explained that unfelt feelings do not go away and are the root cause of many mental health issues. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it. I began to feel less alone in my suffering. I felt a little bit of understanding towards myself and a glimmer of hope that I could recover.
In rehab, I was introduced to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. According to Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”. Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward.
The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism. This very negative thinking style is often correlated with mental health problems, especially depression and addiction. Those who are highly self-critical need to develop the ability to relate to themselves in a compassionate way.
To give ourselves compassion, we must acknowledge our own suffering especially if our suffering is in part due to our own self-criticism. If we do not know we are doing it, we cannot change it. With the help of professionals, I was able to see how much I was harming myself. This realization marked a pivotal shift in my thinking as I was able to see that I was causing much of my own suffering.
I saw that not forgiving myself was like drinking my own poison as I was the one in pain. I was ruining my own life by allowing hatred to sit in my heart and eat away at me. I saw the errors of my ways and became determined to learn to move forward as a way to liberate myself from the self-imposed jail I had sentenced myself to years ago.
I began to understand that the reason I was mentally ill and dealing with such intense mental anguish was because I had trauma in my past that had been left untreated. I could now see that I was in deep pain and others would likely behave in the same way under similar circumstances.
Therapy helped me see the negative effects of ruminating or repeatedly obsessing over things in your head. Rumination puts you at a greater risk of developing depression, alcoholism, eating disorder and cardiovascular disease. This negative thinking pattern is the antithesis of mindfulness as you are focused on the past and not the present.
During trauma treatment, as part of cognitive processing, I was forced to address stuck points that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things, such as “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours. A turning point was when I was told that “I am not a bad person, I am a sick person that needs to get well”. Getting well required me to address the underlying causes of my suffering.
By systematically working through each one, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. So much so that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. It will also cause you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your shame.
In trauma treatment, I was forced to write a letter to my 15-year-old self after the assault happened. I was asked to share “what I deserved to happen in that situation, what I want to say to you now, and ways that I will honour you in the future”. This was an effective activity as it forced me to look at myself through eyes of love, understanding, and compassion and an internal shift happened.
In my letter, I expressed that in that situation, I deserved to be respected. I also apologized to that girl for carrying around such shame and guilt about the incident for years when it was not her fault. I encouraged her to seek help to work through the hurt and free herself from that emotional burden. I spoke to her like a friend going through a difficult life event. This altered my perspective and I began to see myself in a new light. I no longer hold a grudge or blame myself for what happened. I feel compassion towards that young, scared teenage girl.
By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds. It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life. When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. I am finally at that spot today.
New Thinking
Self-compassion has been the foundation of my journey and has allowed me to heal and fully connect with life again. As Kristen Neff said: “The only refuge I had was self-compassion by being open hearted to myself”. I full heartedly agree with Neff and know that self-compassion saved my life. Self-compassion shifted my thinking from “I am a screwed up human that does not deserve love” to “I am a human experiencing suffering that is feeling screwed up which is precisely why I need extra love”.
Recovery has shown me that being kind and understanding to myself is the ultimate act of self-love. I now treat myself like I would a friend – with love and compassion. If I am struggling, I acknowledge that is part of the human condition and I am not alone. I will lovingly check in with myself to see what I need to restore myself to equilibrium. Learning to be vulnerable and open about my emotions has connected me to myself and enabled a friendship to blossom.
I am less judgmental and no longer expect perfection from myself (or others). Giving up perfectionism has helped me be more forgiving all around. I accept that things will not always go as planned and have lowered my expectations (in a healthy way). Self-compassion reassures me that one step forward, two steps back is still progress. I strive for progress, not perfection. I am trying my best and that is good enough.
Self-compassion is much like treating yourself with the same love, grace, and compassion as God treats you. As I have been working to increase my spirituality in recovery, I have been delving more deeply into strengthening my relationship with God. In doing so, I have begun to see my own suffering as part of my personal journey and not to be fought or challenged but willingly, and lovingly, embraced.
Self-compassion is a permanent way of establishing a healthier relationship with yourself. Inevitably, pain and struggle will happen in life. However, by being loving, kind, and compassionate, you will lessen your suffering and improve your mental health. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance, even in the face of failure. Especially in the face of failure.
I encourage others to practise self-compassion. Be more gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. Life is not easy but you can lessen your troubles if you have a friend in yourself.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”
Brené Brown
Old Thinking
As a lifelong people-pleaser, it has taken tremendous work for me to learn to say no or be true to myself when I know it may disappoint others. Setting boundaries has been one of the most empowering skills that I have learned in recovery. I have finally realized that my own mental health is more important than pleasing others or avoiding disapproval.
Since childhood, I have prioritized other people’s emotions as I did not like to let anyone down. Being passive and agreeable was a way to maintain peace. To me validation equaled love, so I did what (I thought) others wanted me to do or say to win their approval.
I believed that being a good and likable girl meant not ‘ruffling feathers’ or ‘going against the grain’. I did not speak my mind and struggled to advocate for myself and state my needs. Being the best for me always meant saying yes. Saying no felt mean and selfish.
I fell into this behaviour honestly enough as I was the middle child. My older brother and young sister both demanded considerable attention from my parents so I aimed to keep the peace and be the ‘good girl’ that did not need much. Growing up, my father frequently traveled for work which was taxing on my mother and I always felt her heightened stress while he was away. I did whatever necessary to alleviate the pressure on her and help maintain order.
Unbeknownst to my family and I, my tendencies toward people-pleasing and perfectionism had manifested into internal struggles. I started showing signs of disordered eating by age 8 and was in treatment for an eating disorder by age 12. In hindsight, I was a little girl trying to find control in my world that felt out of control.
This behaviour continued to plague me and led to many uncomfortable situations. When asked out by a guy, I would succumb to the pressure and go on dates that I did not want to simply because I struggled to say no or disappoint. Doing so caused tremendous anxiety and I steered clear of it at all costs.
To the extent that I nearly married a man that I knew was not right for me. I said yes to this proposal because I did not want to have a hard conversation and break it off with him. Then the longer I avoided it, the harder it became. He was a genuinely good guy and I did not want to hurt his feelings despite knowing that I was also hurting him by not being truthful. We were engaged for over a year before I finally found the courage to tell him the truth just four months before the wedding date and with plans well underway. It was one of the most difficult conversations of my life but I am grateful that I finally did so for the sake of both of us. (Interestingly, after the fact, several people confided in me that they had been in the same position and did not follow their gut and wish they did – now either divorced or in an unhappy marriage).
I have also struggled with boundaries in other relationships and friendships in my life, leaving me feeling powerless, anxious, and hurt. One particular relationship in my life caused me regular grief for over a decade. Previously I felt upset and confused by how I was being treated by this person, always being led to believe that I was the one at fault. I now know that this was manipulation and gas-lighting but poor boundaries and self-awareness prevented me from seeing the truth earlier.
As I was so used to pleasing people and not true to my own feelings and intuition, I was consistently out of touch with my own needs and wants. This caused a disconnect, and loss of both identity and trust in myself. I have often wondered if my sexual assault could have been prevented if I had stronger boundaries and trusted my gut. I no longer blame myself for his actions but feel it was another example of getting into a situation that did not feel right but I did not want to appear difficult or ask to leave. This is all the more reason why I am determined to raise brave daughters with strong boundaries and ability to self-advocate.
Learned in Recovery
Not surprisingly, a lack of boundaries and people-pleasing took a toll on my mental health. Recovery has allowed me to see the many psychological costs to not saying no or having healthy limits, such as: Anxiety; stress; depression, low self-esteem; poor mental health; lack of personal identity; bad relationships, and burnout (and more).
The importance of boundaries and assertiveness was strongly emphasized and reiterated in rehab. Rightfully so as apparently there is a high correlation between mental health issues and poor boundaries. When I began my mental health recovery, I was ignorant of the definition and value of either so that was a vital starting point.
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves to maintain our mental health. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others without fear of disappointment. They are true to themselves and do not put others’ needs above their own.
Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights – expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways. Setting boundaries is an advanced form of assertiveness. It involves risk and entails taking a position about who you are, what you are willing to do or not do, and how you want to be treated and respected in your relationships.
Learning to set boundaries with others has been difficult and tedious. In rehab, we were given multiple opportunities to practise role-playing boundaries with others to prepare us for hard conversations. I learned about the WIN Statement which I now regularly use. It is an acronym composed of three parts to assert your boundaries to someone: “When You…” “I Feel…” “Next Time…”. For example, it could be as simple as: “When you are late, I feel like you do not respect my time. Next time, I would appreciate it if you let me know. Thank you”.
This approach has given me the strategies to be assertive and speak my mind in a respectful way. Previously that would have felt confrontational to me so I would avoid it but then feel resentful about it and maybe hold a grudge. I can now politely and assertively tell people what is and what is not ok with me. Then let it go. It is building mature and effective dialogue in interpersonal situations.
I learned that boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. The less you set healthy boundaries, the more you give others a signal that you do not know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting people who will take advantage of your lack of boundaries. Furthermore, poor boundaries can be confusing and frustrating for others. For example, I used to be outwardly agreeable with my family but then felt bitter that my opinion did not matter. Fortunately, I no longer act with such immaturity and now state my opinion and needs, thus improving the health of all of my relationships (my family and I have since laughed about this but they appreciate my new approach).
Regarding relationships, the aforementioned person that used to cause me tremendous anxiety is still in my life today. The difference now is that recovery has given me the skills to set my boundaries. I no longer accept their emotional outbursts or manipulation and have clearly stated what I will and will not accept from them. At first this was extremely uncomfortable and came off as confrontational. They initially reacted quite aggressively to me. I had been forewarned about this happening and to expect that reaction as people will inevitably get upset when you are changing the rules. How they want to play the game is no longer an option in your relationship. It has taken practise and repetition but I have stood firm in my new position. The bottom line is that respecting my own boundaries is more important than pleasing others. I was told that if someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it is just more evidence that boundaries need to be set. Thankfully, after some growing pains, our relationship is now healthier with a newfound respect for each other.
I also learned that women, particularly care-giving women, are generally worse with boundary-setting. They tend to give and take care of others while often neglecting their own needs which creates burnout. As a mom and kindergarten teacher, I regularly feel pulled in many caregiving directions. While I love my responsibilities, attending to the needs of little humans all day is emotionally exhausting. If I do not take the necessary time to re-energize myself then I will not have a full tank to care for my daughters, young students, or myself.
New Thinking
Recovery has shown me that having the courage to set boundaries is a game-changer. Remember that list of psychological effects of not setting boundaries? Well the benefits of setting boundaries are abundant, including personal empowerment; enhanced self-esteem and self-respect, increased well-being; healthier relationships; and more energy.
As someone that previously had few boundaries, learning to set boundaries has been a long, uncomfortable process. That being said, it has been well worth it because today I feel healthier and calmer having boundaries in place and more security in my relationships.
Setting boundaries and being assertive has increased my awareness of my own wants and needs. I have gained some confidence and sense of identity as I no longer feel compelled to go along with the wishes of others. Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you should do it.
I no longer fear disappointing others. I will still go out of my way to help and care for others but no longer sacrifice my own wellness to do so.
Boundaries have improved my relationships with others. They are difficult to set but often they are also difficult for others to respect. Particularly if you did not previously set boundaries because suddenly you are changing the rules. Inevitably, some people will be defensive or resistant to your boundaries but that is not your issue. Setting boundaries with others should not be perceived as a threat or confrontational. It is you merely stating what works and does not work for you and your well-being. Boundaries are a way of saying that there are consequences for negative actions towards you. It is also an investment in the relationship’s future to navigate things in a healthy way.
Unfortunately, some may not see it that way. If they were used to getting their way by being passive aggressive, guilting you, or shifting blame then they may not respect the new boundaries. Others will tell you that it is miscommunication and you are misinterpreting it. These are also examples of gas-lighting because they refuse to take responsibility and see their role in it. Remember their response is not your issue. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. Regrettably, I have needed to cut some people out of my life that did not value my new boundaries.
Stating your needs and limits is an act of self-love. Give yourself the respect that you deserve and pay attention to your own needs. I encourage my daughters to pay attention to how their body feels and whether or not they are comfortable. For example, I expect my girls to be asked first if they would like a hug or kiss and they have the right to decline if they so choose. At first I worried that I would offend others by allowing my daughters to decline their affection (especially from family) but ultimately it is their body and right to choose if someone touches it. That is empowering for a girl to know. My daughters also know that they do not need to say yes to an invitation out of obligation, if they do not feel like going or it does not sit well in their gut. As I am also learning, we are teaching them that kindness and compassion can still be accomplished while being assertive and having boundaries.
I encourage others to implement boundaries into their own lives to experience the same empowerment. Start by ditching any people-pleasing tendencies and asking yourself what you want or need. The WIN Statement is helpful to face difficult conversations and stating your limits with others.
There are many hard truths about boundaries. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to navigate but setting boundaries does not make you demanding or mean. Your own needs are being prioritized by ensuring that you are taking care of yourself first. It is not your job to make everyone else comfortable all the time. Plus it is exhausting.
Remember that if you avoid the conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”
Brené Brown
Old Thinking
Years ago I could not imagine much worse than emotional exposure. I did whatever I could to hide my true emotions and self from the world. To me, vulnerability felt weak and unsafe. Learning to be vulnerable has been one of the most difficult and rewarding aspects of my recovery.
I used to fear vulnerability and was a master of disguise – hiding my emotions behind a facade of perfectionism and avoidance. Since I was a child, I have struggled with being my true self. I was eager to please and avoided conflict. I preferred to keep the peace and others happy, morphing into whatever I thought others wanted me to be. I had unconsciously learned that being small and agreeable allowed me to avoid uncomfortable situations and control the narrative of how people saw me.
As a result, I was disconnected from myself and others; using food to numb at an early age and turning to alcohol in my teenage years. Leaving home to attend university exacerbated my inner struggles. Perfectionism allowed me to project to others that I had it all together while secretly feeling insecure and inadequate.
While already a people-pleaser by nature, being sexually assaulted as a teenager left me in a state of emotional paralysis. My nervous system was overwhelmed and shut down. A response of trauma is fear of vulnerability and emotional avoidance. Denial is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. By not acknowledging my emotions or what had happened to me, I was blocking it out and keeping myself safe.
Consequently, I lacked deep connections with others because I was emotionally closed off. I had many people in my life but mostly at a superficial level as I kept them at a distance. I could not connect with others on an emotional level as I was numb on the inside. This was isolating and perpetually kept the cycle of depression and mental illness strong.
When I went to rehab the second time, the doctors doubted that I would be successful in the program due to my obvious avoidance of vulnerability and perfectionism. One doctor went so far as to ask why I bothered staying because I clearly was not ready to change. Masking my vulnerability was so natural to me that I did not even realize that I was doing it. I could lie to your face about how I was doing and not think twice.
One thing about rehab is that they love talking about emotions. You meet multiple times a day to check-in but do not dare say “I feel good” when asked how you are feeling. You will promptly be told that ‘good’ is not a feeling and referred to the massive feelings wheel to better pinpoint your specific emotion then try again.
Alright then I feel mad for all the stupid rules and expectations in rehab. Or I feel guilty for being here while my family is at home. Or how about that I feel perpetually sad? Any of those would work.
Instead I simply reply: “I am happy” hoping to avoid further scrutiny or discussion. While far from the truth, perfectionism was deeply ingrained in me and truthfully, I did not know how to break free from it. I simply did not have the emotional safety and ability to identify, experience, and process all that was being brought to the surface. Not surprisingly, even while in rehab, I resorted to old coping habits to deal with the discomfort I was feeling (i.e. relapsing with alcohol, and restricting food). I simply could not be vulnerable.
Learned in Recovery
Eventually, with the threat of being discharged, I was forced out of my comfort zone. Medical staff acknowledged that the process would be difficult for me but I had to at least put in some effort. I slowly began opening up and trying to identify and share how I was feeling with others. It was difficult as I felt exposed and unsafe. I did not want others to see the cracks in the image that I tried so hard to convey. What would people think of me? Would they see all my brokenness? Would they reject me?
Author Brené Brown speaks about vulnerability and has had a profound impact on my recovery. According to Brown, perfectionism (and lack of vulnerability) prevents one from having meaningful connections with others. She proceeds to say that “vulnerability is a catalyst to connection”.
I experienced this firsthand as I started being open during group therapy and something shifted internally. By trusting and letting people in, I was forming genuine connections to others on an emotional level. This was new to me and although it was uncomfortable, I felt less alone. I also became more self-aware and compassionate to myself and those around me.
I laughed immensely and experienced true joy at rehab. Not because it was a particularly enjoyable place to be but because I was learning to put down my facade in a safe environment with others with related issues. Many of us had been emotionally avoidant and were all learning to be vulnerable and forming connections with others for the first time since childhood. The term “recovery” means to “get back” and that is precisely what was happening. We were returning to a healthy state of mind before we got sidetracked by fear.
Learning to put my guard down and be real and honest was grudgingly painful. Sometimes I would catch myself falling back into perfectionism and dodging vulnerability, especially when things got emotionally difficult. As I pulled away and retreated back into myself, the loneliness resumed and I was reminded of my newfound need for connection – which came from a willingness to have an open heart and be vulnerable.
New Thinking
Recovery has taught me the beauty of vulnerability as a key part of mental wellness. I no longer fear vulnerability or see it as a weakness. “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” asserts Brown. The benefits of being vulnerable are immeasurable and life-changing.
Brown also said that: “when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be known, we cultivate love.” My marriage and relationships have been radically enriched since I have learned to embrace vulnerability and truly be seen and known. I feel more loving towards life, myself and others. I now experience a deeper love for (and from) my daughters, husband, family, and friends. It is a new wonderful feeling and I truly bask in the comfort of loving and being loved without holding back.
Vulnerability has given me the capacity to have meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging. High quality connections with others is integral to well-being. An important aspect of strong relationships is trust which builds emotional bonds and comes from being vulnerable. That includes allowing others to see the real you: flaws and all. There is beauty in imperfection. (Plus it’s exhausting trying to pretend to be something that you are not!)
Perfectionism used to protect me by keeping people at a distance but is now counterproductive to healing. Overcoming perfectionism means the acceptance of discomfort and embracing life on life’s terms. Brown asserts that: “Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”. I no longer strive to convey myself as having it all together or hide my flaws from others. I worry less about what others think of me. This has been one of the most difficult yet liberating realizations. My happiness is no longer contingent on what others think of me, nor is it any of my business.
Feeling vulnerable has gradually become more natural. I finally feel emotionally safe to do so although admittedly it can be difficult at times. The difference is that I no longer use food or alcohol to numb or hide from my emotions. I now know that by avoiding my emotions, I was not just escaping the uncomfortable ones but also the pleasant ones. Ultimately, no emotion lasts forever; they come and go, rise and fall, like waves in the ocean. Fortunately, as I have learned to deal with my emotions and they have become more consistently stable, I do not experience such extreme highs and lows anymore. Which if we are talking waves is not good news for a surfer, but pretty ok for me.
I have learned that without processing your emotions, they do not go away. Instead they become amplified and leave a residual effect in your life of unresolved business (often a root cause of addiction or other mental health issues). Denial does not work because your body does not forget. By embracing emotions as they come, you are taking control before emotions take control of you.
Committing to vulnerability takes courage but is necessary to living an authentic life. The benefits of doing so are incredible. I continue to welcome vulnerability in my life and encourage others to do the same. By doing so, your relationships will be strengthened; your anxiety diminished; your self-awareness and self-compassion increased; and you will develop a greater appreciation of life.
If you are courageous enough to be vulnerable, then expect positive things to come your way: “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” according to Brown.
As evident, I hold Brené Brown in high esteem as her book has drastically enhanced my life: “Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live”. As Brown stresses, if you want to grow and live a meaningful life then you need to ‘lean into the discomfort’ and challenge old habits. This includes being vulnerable and learning to be authentically yourself. I highly recommend the book as my life has been transformed by breaking down my facade and allowing others to know me.
Step out of your shadow and let your light shine! There is only one you so embrace your authentic self and reap the rewards of being genuine.
“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending”
Brené Brown
Where I Was
Five years ago today, I woke up in the hospital after an intentional overdose. I was depressed and hopeless, not believing that I would overcome all my inner struggles. I strongly believed that my young daughters and family were better off without me.
That fateful day marked the beginning of a long, difficult road to get well. Today I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. My story has gone from one of sadness and desperation to one filled with love and hope. I have been completely transformed and feel like I have a new chance at life.
During my darkest time, I made a vow. I promised to share how to get well if I can figure it out. I would also tell others how to do it too. Having said that, welcome to the start of my blog and sharing of my recovery journey.
Let me go back to the beginning. I have long struggled with my mental health. I grew up in a loving family and while a happy child, I remember experiencing anxiety from a young age. Although at the time, I did not know what I was feeling and simply felt restless and uneasy.
As a young child, I was a people–pleaser. I used being a “good girl” to hide my uncomfortable emotions. An eating disorder was an early refuge from my inner nerves. In hindsight, I was a little girl. I was trying to find order in my world. This happened when things felt out of my control. By grade 4, I was showing signs of disordered eating. By age 12, I was in treatment for an eating disorder.
My life derailed at age 15, when I was sexually assaulted. It instantly left me feeling detached from myself and the world, as I struggled to at the same time comprehend and bury what had happened. I was left in a paralyzed state – overwhelmed, ashamed, and broken.
Despair took hold of me and shortly thereafter I attempted suicide. I survived and was hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks. Afterward, I returned to high school. I acted like everything was normal. I hid behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; incapable of dealing with my emotions. I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered.
I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered.
I struggled with my mental health throughout university. Eventually, I went to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. Counselors wanted me to discuss my past sexual trauma. I panicked. I dropped out of the treatment program early. As a result, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor.
For twenty years, my issues persisted but I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, wedding, parenthood, buying a home, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued. I felt a definite ‘hole in my soul.’ I tried to fill it in all the wrong places. This behavior perpetuated my mental illness.
I was like a pressure cooker with the pressure mounting. For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health. I was in denial. I vehemently avoided my emotions and felt detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. Plus a whole lot of drama and worry. (I am incredibly thankful for my amazing husband, family, and friends that stood by and supported me).
Without release, a pressure cooker will eventually explode. That’s exactly what happened to me five years ago. I was depressed, hopeless, and overwhelmed with life – confident that I was a failure and would never get better. This false belief caused me to try suicide and landed me in hospital; thus beginning my long recovery journey.
A Seed of Hope
After having my stomach pumped, I laid awake for much of the night feeling ashamed and defeated. I was a mom to two beautiful young daughters. Now, Family and Children’s Services was assessing whether I was mentally fit to mother my own children.
The emergency psychiatrist evaluated me and reviewed my history. He suggested that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after sexual assault. He also mentioned that many of my issues be rectified if I mentally processed that event.
He proceeded to explain that traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology. Your experiences influence who you are. They also affect how you behave socially. Additionally, they impact you emotionally and physically.
This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own trauma. I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it.
I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it.
I felt hopeful that I could recover and that moment was the start of my recovery journey. I promptly took a leave from teaching to focus on getting well. The decision was quickly made. I would go to Homewood (rehab center) to intensively focus on my mental health struggles. This would take place during their eight-week in-patient program.
When I arrived at rehab, doctors openly doubted my future success in the program. My shield of perfectionism was obvious. My fear of vulnerability was not congruent with the group therapy model.
I certainly struggled to be open and vulnerable. My sense of loneliness gradually diminished as I connected and felt understood by others with related issues. I genuinely laughed and felt a little lighter for the first time in a long time. Yet, as at my earlier treatment facility, I left Homewood with unfinished business. I still would not discuss my trauma.
I learned many valuable skills while at rehab. I grew in many ways. Nonetheless, my poor coping strategies were most familiar and accessible. Practising daily recovery habits proved difficult at home with two young daughters. I relapsed and my life quickly began to spiral out of control again. I left Homewood in May 2019 and was back in November for another eight-week program.
I knew that things were not going to improve. I was not going to keep sobriety or mental wellness. This would persist until I faced and worked through what had happened to me, whether I wanted to or not. Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it.
I went back to rehab. I worked tremendously hard for a time. But as I had done before, I fled when things got too emotionally difficult. For the third consecutive time, I dropped out of rehab against medical advice in December 2019.
A lot happened in my life after this. I lost my driver’s license for leaving rehab against doctor’s orders. I continued outpatient day treatment. Then, I broke my ankle and required surgery, which rendered me unable to walk for 3 months. It eventually took a full year and another surgery as my ankle did not heal properly. Of course, Covid disrupted the world, affecting everyone. Needless to say, I continued my downward spiral (and was a magnet for chaos).
I had already gone to rehab twice in the previous year. I was still struggling with alcohol and food. I felt increasingly hopeless about ever recovering. I was not in a good place emotionally, spiritually or physically.
In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halt. I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell. I sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours. I was just going over things in my head.
I was immensely disappointed in myself. I knew that I only move ahead. I had to accept the ramifications of my actions. I recognized that this was my final rock bottom and the wake-up call that I desperately needed. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day. Things could have easily ended in a tragically different way.
Miraculously, in the days after my arrest and time in jail, I felt an obvious shift within me. I had an epiphany. All the craziness in my life, pain, and struggle was making sense. I was finally capable of seeing it. I realized that everything in my life happened exactly as it did for a reason, including my trauma. Without these events, I would not have my two beautiful daughters. There was no point in continuing to run away from my past. This new acceptance brought tremendous peace as I was able to embrace my past as necessary to my current.
This change of heart put me in the right direction. I still had to face the consequences of my criminal charges. Additionally, I needed to put the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. The point is that I saw the work ahead of me. I no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation. Instead, I had a newfound faith and stillness in my heart.
I stopped drinking and committed to getting and staying sober. I still struggled with disordered eating but giving up alcohol was a necessary starting point. The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. The absence of alcohol brought about significant changes. My willingness to be honest and open with myself also contributed to these changes.
I stayed off work for another year as I continued to solidify my recovery. I was 14 months alcohol-free when I gradually returned to work in fall 2021. Unfortunately, shortly after returning to work full-time, I started experiencing signs of diminished mental health. By January 2022, I continued a downturn. I turned again to dysfunctional coping strategies to manage. These included eating disorder behaviours and using marijuana. This affected my ability to be an effective teacher.
I had made good progress during my earlier few years. Yet, it was clear that I still had some issues to work through. These issues were keeping me in a state of mental sickness. My doctor agreed and I reluctantly took yet another leave of absence from work during the 2022/2023 school year. This decision was especially difficult. I had to admit that I returned to work and failed. So, I had to take another leave.
I decided against inpatient treatment. I was motivated to recover and felt like being at home was best for my family. I worked with a dietitian three times weekly to gain weight. I also focused on developing consistent eating habits and improving my relationship with food. Additionally, I had sessions twice weekly with a counselor where we focused on trauma recovery. It was a productive and healing year – the necessary final leg of my long wellness journey.
In September 2023, I returned to teaching Kindergarten full-time. That was the first time in my career that I felt calm and content with both life and work. I enjoy my job and it feels rewarding to be back in the classroom and school community. That being said, I am still learning to trust calm and stillness, as chaos was before most familiar and comfortable.
Where I Am Now
Today I feel completely transformed as I have a peace within that I never thought possible. I now have healthy coping strategies and am 3.5 years alcohol-free; sober, and without disordered eating habits. I am no longer stuck in inner chaos. I have learned how to calm my emotional storms and take control of my well-being.
Today I feel completely transformed as I possess a peace within that I never thought possible.
I feel blessed to have a second chance at life. I have since learned that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. I was afraid of facing my emotions; fearful of vulnerability; fearful of not measuring up; fearful of failure and more. Instead of facing my fears, I found ways to avoid and hide behind them. I have since learned that fear is a liar. I cannot always believe the fear that creeps inside my head.
Author Brené Brown’s words deeply resonated with me. They gave me strength and courage to write my own ending to a story I once thought hopeless. “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.” After two decades, my sexual assault no longer defines or controls me. That is life-changing and empowering to me – I am grateful to have (finally) changed the end of my story.
I am proof that healing is possible and with that comes post-traumatic wisdom and growth. I have learned that sharing one’s story is powerful. Take what has happened to you. Turn it into power. I used to think of my vulnerabilities as weaknesses so I hid my true self from the world. I now embrace vulnerability. I feel compelled to share what I have gained along my journey to mental wellness. I want to help others that are struggling.
Recovery is not easy but it is well worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. And when you have hope, you will never be alone. Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.
Throughout my recovery, writing has become a therapeutic outlet. I have discovered that I am louder on the inside than I have ever known. My story’s ending is continually evolving. I step out of my darkness and continue my pursuit of becoming authentically me. I am no longer ashamed of my past and now see the strength and courage in my recovery. My future feels bright and hopeful. I am excited to see where my recovery journey will continue to take me. I look ahead to sharing all that I have learned along the way – hope, healing, and owning your story.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. :-)
If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out for help. You are not alone. Reach out and connect with someone.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you are not in crisis but looking for additional mental health support, there are numerous free apps or online resources for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, PTSD etc.
Stepping Out of the Shadows 