Tag: self-compassion

Radical Acceptance: Living Life on Life’s Terms

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr

Old Thinking

Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm. 

From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control. 

In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.

Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability. 

In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating. 

During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction. 

The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues. 

As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.

Learned in Recovery

The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.  

Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. 

Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.

People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life. 

My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles. 

That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down. 

This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020. 

The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos. 

New Thinking

Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.

In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around. 

The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go. 

You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”.  Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative  emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control. 

Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness. 

Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.

Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys. 

Self-Compassion: Turning Your Love Inwards

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”

Kristin Neff

Old Thinking

Self-compassion has been a huge part of my mental health recovery. By learning to treat myself with love, kindness, and understanding, I have decreased my anxiety, depression, addictions, and fear of failure. Turning my love inwards has drastically improved my overall well-being. 

Previously I lacked self-compassion and was perpetually hard on myself. From a young age, I struggled with perfectionism and never felt like enough. I had signs of an eating disorder by age 8 as I was an anxious child looking to find control in my world. By grade 5, I had a list of foods that I decided that I was not allowed to eat and penalties if I did eat them. I would berate myself with put downs, considering myself weak and lazy. Clearly this shows early signs of internal struggles. It also demonstrates my tendency to be highly self-critical – a negative thinking pattern that would plague me for decades. 

As I already struggled with self-criticism, the trauma of being sexually assaulted at age 15 skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for years. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly perpetuated my suffering. 

I used to obsessively ruminate about my assault, playing the incident over and over relentlessly. Stuck points dictated my thinking: “I am such an idiot for putting myself in that position. How could I be so stupid? I can never trust myself again”. I repeatedly felt like I ruined my own life as I caused what happened to me. I had turned against myself and simply could not move on which left me stuck in spiraling in mental illness. 

I used perfectionism to hide the emotional turmoil of what had happened  and coping strategies such as alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia. Of course, this did little to help but exacerbated my self-criticism and feelings of shame.  

Eating disorders are an excellent way to hide emotions and deny reality. They thrive in shame: “You are fat. You are weak and pathetic; You did not exercise enough yesterday so you do not deserve to eat today; You still weigh too much, you undisciplined loser. When you are skinny, then you will be lovable”. Shame fuels the eating disorder and the eating disorder fuels shame. 

The same can be said for addiction. I drank to suppress my pain and feel better. Then I would sober up and feel guilty for drinking again but the little voice in my head told me that drinking was the answer to feeling better so onwards went the cycle (this is called insanity, when you continue to do the same thing but expect different results). The shame and self-criticism continued: “You are only fun when you drink; No one likes you sober; You weak loser. You could not even make it two days; You will never succeed with sobriety; You will always be an alcoholic”. I drank to feel better but eventually drinking increased my self-loathing. 

As unprocessed feelings went on for years, the worse and more unbalanced I felt. I was completely out of touch with my true feelings other than shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I hit a tipping point and did not feel like I was worth much or would ever get better. This led to my intentional overdose and the subsequent start of my recovery journey in 2019. 

Learned in Recovery

My first insight into self-compassion was felt while being evaluated by the emergency psychiatrist after overdose. He suggested that I may have PTSD after sexual assault and that many of my issues might be resolved if I mentally processed that event. He explained that unfelt feelings do not go away and are the root cause of many mental health issues. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it. I began to feel less alone in my suffering. I felt a little bit of understanding towards myself and a glimmer of hope that I could recover. 

In rehab, I was introduced to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. According to Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”. Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward. 

The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism. This very negative thinking style is often correlated with mental health problems, especially depression and addiction. Those who are highly self-critical need to develop the ability to relate to themselves in a compassionate way.

To give ourselves compassion, we must acknowledge our own suffering especially if our suffering is in part due to our own self-criticism. If we do not know we are doing it, we cannot change it. With the help of professionals, I was able to see how much I was harming myself. This realization marked a pivotal shift in my thinking as I was able to see that I was causing much of my own suffering.

I saw that not forgiving myself was like drinking my own poison as I was the one in pain. I was ruining my own life by allowing hatred to sit in my heart and eat away at me. I saw the errors of my ways and became determined to learn to move forward as a way to liberate myself from the self-imposed jail I had sentenced myself to years ago.

I began to understand that the reason I was mentally ill and dealing with such intense mental anguish was because I had trauma in my past that had been left untreated. I could now see that I was in deep pain and others would likely behave in the same way under similar circumstances. 

Therapy helped me see the negative effects of ruminating or repeatedly obsessing over things in your head. Rumination puts you at a greater risk of developing depression, alcoholism, eating disorder and cardiovascular disease. This negative thinking pattern is the antithesis of mindfulness as you are focused on the past and not the present. 

During trauma treatment, as part of cognitive processing, I was forced to address stuck points that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things, such as “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours. A turning point was when I was told that “I am not a bad person, I am a sick person that needs to get well”. Getting well required me to address the underlying causes of my suffering.

By systematically working through each one, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. So much so that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. It will also cause you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your shame. 

In trauma treatment, I was forced to write a letter to my 15-year-old self after the assault happened. I was asked to share “what I deserved to happen in that situation, what I want to say to you now, and ways that I will honour you in the future”. This was an effective activity as it forced me to look at myself through eyes of love, understanding, and compassion and an internal shift happened. 

In my letter, I expressed that in that situation, I deserved to be respected. I also apologized to that girl for carrying around such shame and guilt about the incident for years when it was not her fault. I encouraged her to seek help to work through the hurt and free herself from that emotional burden. I spoke to her like a friend going through a difficult life event. This altered my perspective and I began to see myself in a new light. I no longer hold a grudge or blame myself for what happened. I feel compassion towards that young, scared teenage girl. 

By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds. It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life.  When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. I am finally at that spot today. 

New Thinking

Self-compassion has been the foundation of my journey and has allowed me to heal and fully connect with life again. As Kristen Neff said: “The only refuge I had was self-compassion by being open hearted to myself”. I full heartedly agree with Neff and know that self-compassion saved my life. Self-compassion shifted my thinking from “I am a screwed up human that does not deserve love” to “I am a human experiencing suffering that is feeling screwed up which is precisely why I need extra love”.

Recovery has shown me that being kind and understanding to myself is the ultimate act of self-love. I now treat myself like I would a friend – with love and compassion. If I am struggling, I acknowledge that is part of the human condition and I am not alone. I will lovingly check in with myself to see what I need to restore myself to equilibrium. Learning to be vulnerable and open about my emotions has connected me to myself and enabled a friendship to blossom.

I am less judgmental and no longer expect perfection from myself (or others). Giving up perfectionism has helped me be more forgiving all around. I accept that things will not always go as planned and have lowered my expectations (in a healthy way). Self-compassion reassures me that one step forward, two steps back is still progress. I strive for progress, not perfection. I am trying my best and that is good enough. 

Self-compassion is much like treating yourself with the same love, grace, and compassion as God treats you. As I have been working to increase my spirituality in recovery, I have been delving more deeply into strengthening my relationship with God. In doing so, I have begun to see my own suffering as part of my personal journey and not to be fought or challenged but willingly, and lovingly, embraced. 

Self-compassion is a permanent way of establishing a healthier relationship with yourself. Inevitably, pain and struggle will happen in life. However, by being loving, kind, and compassionate, you will lessen your suffering and improve your mental health. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance, even in the face of failure. Especially in the face of failure.

I encourage others to practise self-compassion. Be more gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. Life is not easy but you can lessen your troubles if you have a friend in yourself.