“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”

Brené Brown

Old Thinking

As a lifelong people-pleaser, it has taken tremendous work for me to learn to say no or be true to myself when I know it may disappoint others. Setting boundaries has been one of the most empowering skills that I have learned in recovery. I have finally realized that my own mental health is more important than pleasing others or avoiding disapproval. 

Since childhood, I have prioritized other people’s emotions as I did not like to let anyone down. Being passive and agreeable was a way to maintain peace. To me validation equaled love, so I did what (I thought) others wanted me to do or say to win their approval.  

I believed that being a good and likable girl meant not ‘ruffling feathers’ or ‘going against the grain’. I did not speak my mind and struggled to advocate for myself and state my needs. Being the best for me always meant saying yes. Saying no felt mean and selfish. 

I fell into this behaviour honestly enough as I was the middle child. My older brother and young sister both demanded considerable attention from my parents so I aimed to keep the peace and be the ‘good girl’ that did not need much. Growing up, my father frequently traveled for work which was taxing on my mother and I always felt her heightened stress while he was away. I did whatever necessary to alleviate the pressure on her and help maintain order. 

Unbeknownst to my family and I, my tendencies toward people-pleasing and perfectionism had manifested into internal struggles. I started showing signs of disordered eating by age 8 and was in treatment for an eating disorder by age 12. In hindsight, I was a little girl trying to find control in my world that felt out of control. 

This behaviour continued to plague me and led to many uncomfortable situations. When asked out by a guy, I would succumb to the pressure and go on dates that I did not want to simply because I struggled to say no or disappoint. Doing so caused tremendous anxiety and I steered clear of it at all costs. 

To the extent that I nearly married a man that I knew was not right for me. I said yes to this proposal because I did not want to have a hard conversation and break it off with him. Then the longer I avoided it, the harder it became. He was a genuinely good guy and I did not want to hurt his feelings despite knowing that I was also hurting him by not being truthful. We were engaged for over a year before I finally found the courage to tell him the truth just four months before the wedding date and with plans well underway. It was one of the most difficult conversations of my life but I am grateful that I finally did so for the sake of both of us. (Interestingly, after the fact, several people confided in me that they had been in the same position and did not follow their gut and wish they did – now either divorced or in an unhappy marriage). 

I have also struggled with boundaries in other relationships and friendships in my life, leaving me feeling powerless, anxious, and hurt. One particular relationship in my life caused me regular grief for over a decade. Previously I felt upset and confused by how I was being treated by this person, always being led to believe that I was the one at fault. I now know that this was manipulation and gas-lighting but poor boundaries and self-awareness prevented me from seeing the truth earlier. 

As I was so used to pleasing people and not true to my own feelings and intuition, I was consistently out of touch with my own needs and wants.  This caused a disconnect, and loss of both identity and trust in myself. I have often wondered if my sexual assault could have been prevented if I had stronger boundaries and trusted my gut. I no longer blame myself for his actions but feel it was another example of getting into a situation that did not feel right but I did not want to appear difficult or ask to leave. This is all the more reason why I am determined to raise brave daughters with strong boundaries and ability to self-advocate. 

Learned in Recovery

Not surprisingly, a lack of boundaries and people-pleasing took a toll on my mental health. Recovery has allowed me to see the many psychological costs to not saying no or having healthy limits, such as: Anxiety; stress; depression, low self-esteem; poor mental health; lack of personal identity; bad relationships, and burnout (and more). 

The importance of boundaries and assertiveness was strongly emphasized and reiterated in rehab. Rightfully so as apparently there is a high correlation between mental health issues and poor boundaries. When I began my mental health recovery,  I was ignorant of the definition and value of either so that was a vital starting point.  

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves to maintain our mental health. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others without fear of disappointment. They are true to themselves and do not put others’ needs above their own.

Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights – expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways. Setting boundaries is an advanced form of assertiveness. It involves risk and entails taking a position about who you are, what you are willing to do or not do, and how you want to be treated and respected in your relationships.

Learning to set boundaries with others has been difficult and tedious. In rehab, we were given multiple opportunities to practise role-playing boundaries with others to prepare us for hard conversations.  I learned about the WIN Statement which I now regularly use. It is an acronym composed of three parts to assert your boundaries to someone: “When You…” “I Feel…” “Next Time…”. For example, it could be as simple as: “When you are late, I feel like you do not respect my time. Next time, I would appreciate it if you let me know. Thank you”. 

This approach has given me the strategies to be assertive and speak my mind in a respectful way. Previously that would have felt confrontational to me so I would avoid it but then feel resentful about it and maybe hold a grudge. I can now politely and assertively tell people what is and what is not ok with me. Then let it go. It is building mature and effective dialogue in interpersonal situations. 

I learned that boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. The less you set healthy boundaries, the more you give others a signal that you do not know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting people who will take advantage of your lack of boundaries. Furthermore, poor boundaries can be confusing and frustrating for others. For example, I used to be outwardly agreeable with my family but then felt bitter that my opinion did not matter. Fortunately, I no longer act with such immaturity and now state my opinion and needs, thus improving the health of all of my relationships (my family and I have since laughed about this but they appreciate my new approach). 

Regarding relationships, the aforementioned person that used to cause me tremendous anxiety is still in my life today. The difference now is that recovery has given me the skills to set my boundaries. I no longer accept their emotional outbursts or manipulation and have clearly stated what I will and will not accept from them. At first this was extremely uncomfortable and came off as confrontational. They initially reacted quite aggressively to me. I had been forewarned about this happening and to expect that reaction as people will inevitably get upset when you are changing the rules. How they want to play the game is no longer an option in your relationship. It has taken practise and repetition but I have stood firm in my new position. The bottom line is that respecting my own boundaries is more important than pleasing others. I was told that if someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it is just more evidence that boundaries need to be set. Thankfully, after some growing pains, our relationship is now healthier with a newfound respect for each other. 

I also learned that women, particularly care-giving women, are generally worse with boundary-setting. They tend to give and take care of others while often neglecting their own needs which creates burnout. As a mom and kindergarten teacher, I regularly feel pulled in many caregiving directions. While I love my responsibilities, attending to the needs of little humans all day is emotionally exhausting. If I do not take the necessary time to re-energize myself then I will not have a full tank to care for my daughters, young students, or myself. 

New Thinking

Recovery has shown me that having the courage to set boundaries is a game-changer. Remember that list of psychological effects of not setting boundaries? Well the benefits of setting boundaries are abundant, including personal empowerment; enhanced self-esteem and self-respect, increased well-being; healthier relationships; and more energy. 

As someone that previously had few boundaries, learning to set boundaries has been a long, uncomfortable process. That being said, it has been well worth it because today I feel healthier and calmer having boundaries in place and more security in my relationships.  

Setting boundaries and being assertive has increased my awareness of my own wants and needs. I have gained some confidence and sense of identity as I no longer feel compelled to go along with the wishes of others. Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you should do it.

I no longer fear disappointing others. I will still go out of my way to help and care for others but no longer sacrifice my own wellness to do so.

Boundaries have improved my relationships with others. They are difficult to set but often they are also difficult for others to respect. Particularly if you did not previously set boundaries because suddenly you are changing the rules. Inevitably, some people will be defensive or resistant to your boundaries but that is not your issue. Setting boundaries with others should not be perceived as a threat or confrontational. It is you merely stating what works and does not work for you and your well-being. Boundaries are a way of saying that there are consequences for negative actions towards you. It is also an investment in the relationship’s future to navigate things in a healthy way. 

Unfortunately, some may not see it that way. If they were used to getting their way by being passive aggressive, guilting you, or shifting blame then they may not respect the new boundaries. Others will tell you that it is miscommunication and you are misinterpreting it. These are also examples of gas-lighting because they refuse to take responsibility and see their role in it. Remember their response is not your issue. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. Regrettably, I have needed to cut some people out of my life that did not value my new boundaries. 

Stating your needs and limits is an act of self-love. Give yourself the respect that you deserve and pay attention to your own needs. I encourage my daughters to pay attention to how their body feels and whether or not they are comfortable. For example, I expect my girls to be asked first if they would like a hug or kiss and they have the right to decline if they so choose. At first I worried that I would offend others by allowing my daughters to decline their affection (especially from family) but ultimately it is their body and right to choose if someone touches it. That is empowering for a girl to know. My daughters also know that they do not need to say yes to an invitation out of obligation, if they do not feel like going or it does not sit well in their gut. As I am also learning, we are teaching them that kindness and compassion can still be accomplished while being assertive and having boundaries. 

I encourage others to implement boundaries into their own lives to experience the same empowerment. Start by ditching any people-pleasing tendencies and asking yourself what you want or need. The WIN Statement is helpful to face difficult conversations and stating your limits with others.

There are many hard truths about boundaries. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to navigate but setting boundaries does not make you demanding or mean. Your own needs are being prioritized by ensuring that you are taking care of yourself first. It is not your job to make everyone else comfortable all the time. Plus it is exhausting.

Remember that if you avoid the conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.