Are Sexual Predators Born That Way Or Does Society Create Them? A Look At Rape Culture And Consent

“This is rape culture – this tendency for good men, the kind of men who say they’re outraged by rape, to repeatedly ignore and maybe even support the behaviors that excuse rape.”

— Patty Blount

May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so the topic has been on my mind. I got thinking about last summer when I was asked to speak to a women’s group about my recovery journey and was approached by an emotional woman afterwards. She was visibly distraught and waited patiently to talk with me amidst the line of others. When it was her turn, she immediately blurted out: “How can I prevent THAT from happening to my daughters?” With an emphasis on the word ‘that’, clearly referring to sexual assault. I was taken aback by her intensity and bluntness.

I suddenly felt like I needed to calm this woman and provide her with some reassurance. As a mom to two daughters myself, I can appreciate her anxiety but this was out of my realm. I was only there to share my story and have no professional expertise. However, this lady was determined that I say something – her eyes burning a hole through me.

I told her that I did not have the answer and encouraged her to raise strong girls that listened to their intuition. (Not a great answer at all but guilt from not trusting my own gut haunted me for years).

Looking back, I wish that I had more time to get on my soapbox and scream from the rooftops that it is not up to girls to prevent sexual assault from happening to them but it boils down to men respecting consent.

The topic angers me, particularly after experiencing my own sexual assault which derailed my life; and now being a mother to two daughters. Plus I am angry on behalf of countless other women that have been sexually assaulted.

Approximately 4.7 million women – or 30% of all women aged 15 and older – have been sexually assaulted outside of an intimate relationship at least once since age 15 (Statistics Canada, 2019).

In over half (52%) of sexual assault incidents, the perpetrator was a friend, acquaintance, or neighbour of the victim. These statistics are revolting and something needs to change.

Since becoming open about my own sexual assault and seeing how much damage the trauma did to my mental health, I am driven to brave the conversation and talk about sexual assault. I have much to say about the subject but with few answers.

If that much sexual assault is happening yet the conviction rate is so low, those men are living among us. Monsters among us. I look around with skepticism as I wonder who the sexual deviants may be. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, lying in wait for their unsuspecting victim.

How are so many men capable of sexual violence? Do they set out to sexual assault or is it a crime of opportunity?

Years ago I had a conversation about sexual assault with a police officer and he was adamant that “rapists are born rapists” and no amount of precautions will prevent one from being victimized. Our conversation quickly turned into a heated debate with no resolution. I was shocked to hear a police officer hold this opinion – undermining the importance of teaching men not to rape and putting the sole responsibility on women to protect themselves. His viewpoints left me spiraling, causing me to question my own convictions.

I could not shake his cynical point of view nor did I want to believe it. I believe in educating young men. I believe that sexual assaults can be prevented and that rapists are not born rapists. Am I wrong? Delusional?

Rape Culture

Perhaps it is a slippery slope as a result of rape culture? Whether you realize it or not, rape culture is deeply embedded in our language and social norms.

Rape culture is a term used to show the ways in which society blame victims of sexual assault and normalizes sexual violence. Unfortunately, the normalization of rape culture is prevalent and many people perpetuate rape culture simply by tolerating it and not doing anything to stop it.

Some examples of normalizing rape culture:

Comments such as: “boys will be boys” or “men are just pigs”
Victim shaming (i.e. “what was she wearing?”)
Defending rapists (i.e. “he didn’t know that she wasn’t into it”)
Rape jokes (i.e. “he got raped by his wife in the divorce”)
Sexist attitudes
Locker room banter
School dress codes – archaic with double standards
Unequal pay
Music that degrades women or victims (i.e. “you know you want it”)
Sexual assault education often focusing on women being told to take measures to ensure they are not raped as opposed to men being told not to rape.

These examples will not cause rape alone. However it’s a hierarchy of progression from normalization (bottom tier) to degradation to physical violence (top tier). The attitudes and actions from normalization and acceptance of bottom tiers reinforce and excuse those behaviours higher up – thus perpetuating rape culture.

Society must change for rape culture to change. One person at a time, let’s start the conversation. Rape culture does not outwardly promote rape and maybe you would not personally rape someone. But by participating in the normalization of it (above examples) and not stopping it, you are maintaining the culture of sexual violence in society.

Brave the conversation. Shut down the comments. Refuse to participate. Educate others. Stand up for the victim. One conversation at a time we can change the culture and prevent further violence.

Consent

Also let’s talk more openly about consent. If you have a son, do not shy away from this topic! Consent rules in Canada states that the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. You need to actively seek consent!

The person initiating sexual activity needs to take reasonable steps to establish consent. If you are unsure, stop and ask: “Is this okay?”

Recognize nonverbal signs of refusal such as:

Avoiding eye contact
Crying
Pushing away
Shaking head no
Silence
Not being responsive
If someone doesn’t give you consent for sexual activity, STOP!

The law and consent:

You have the right to withdraw consent at any time during sexual activity
Even if you’ve consented to start a sexual act with someone, you have the right to stop it at any time.
Consenting to one kind of sexual activity does not automatically mean consenting to another.
If you don’t want to do something, you have the right to say, “STOP!”

As a high school health and physical education teacher, my husband emphasizes the importance of consent with his male teenage students. Ensuring that these young men understand that the absence of no does not equal yes. He reiterates that enthusiastic consent is necessary.

Reporting

Furthermore, did you know that sexual assault is among the crimes which are least likely to be reported to the police? Studies found that an estimated 78% of sexual assaults were not reported (according to Canada’s Department of Justice).

Victims do not report incidents of sexual assault for various reasons. While we cannot influence some of those reasons, we, as society, can improve by creating a culture where victims feel safe and validated to report their sexual assault, without fear of: victim-shaming, not being believed, ridicule or belittlement.

By not reporting sexual assaults, the same perpetrators are left free to reassault or victimize others. This has repeatedly been shown in the media where multiple sexual allegations are made against the same perpetrator often only after another victim has come forward and often years later.

In addition to underreporting, sexual assault victims are also less likely to seek professional help or speak to others about their experience. Not dealing with trauma may lead to increased psychological pain such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and much more.

If you have been sexually assaulted, I encourage you to seek professional help to work through your trauma. Trauma affects your mind and body so treatment or therapy can help you reconnect with yourself to feel whole again. Recovering from trauma takes intentional hard work but is well worth it and feeling inner peace again is possible.

Coming from a survivor that has recently worked through my own past trauma after years of inner pain, it’s sad to think of how many victims still live with trauma weighing heavy on their heart and I hope to inspire others to seek recovery.

Be courageous and have awkward conversations with your children. Sexual violence is an uncomfortable subject but by encouraging open dialogue about the topic, we can help stop the silence and suffering of victims and prevent further assaults. I dream of a world for our daughters where men respect women as equals and there is an end to sexual violence.

“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly despite the fear”

-Atticus

If you have been sexually assaulted, call 911 if you are in immediate danger. 

Or check online for your local Sexual Assault Centres, Crisis Lines, And Support Services.

In Ontario, check out the Ontario Coalition of
Rape Crisis Centres (OCRCC):

Ontario-wide Support

Assaulted Women’s Helpline:
1-866-863-0511

Kids Help Phone:
1-800-668-6868

Talk4Healing, for Indigenous women:
1-855-554-HEAL

Male Survivors of Sexual Violence:
1-866-887-0015

From Suicide to Serenity: My Story of Hope

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending”
Brené Brown

Where I Was

Five years ago today, I woke up in the hospital after an intentional overdose. I was depressed and hopeless, not believing that I would overcome all my inner struggles. I strongly believed that my young daughters and family were better off without me.

That fateful day marked the beginning of a long, difficult road to get well. Today I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. My story has gone from one of sadness and desperation to one filled with love and hope. I have been completely transformed and feel like I have a new chance at life.

During my darkest time, I made a vow. I promised to share how to get well if I can figure it out. I would also tell others how to do it too. Having said that, welcome to the start of my blog and sharing of my recovery journey.

Let me go back to the beginning. I have long struggled with my mental health. I grew up in a loving family and while a happy child, I remember experiencing anxiety from a young age. Although at the time, I did not know what I was feeling and simply felt restless and uneasy.

As a young child, I was a people–pleaser. I used being a “good girl” to hide my uncomfortable emotions. An eating disorder was an early refuge from my inner nerves. In hindsight, I was a little girl. I was trying to find order in my world. This happened when things felt out of my control. By grade 4, I was showing signs of disordered eating. By age 12, I was in treatment for an eating disorder.

My life derailed at age 15, when I was sexually assaulted. It instantly left me feeling detached from myself and the world, as I struggled to at the same time comprehend and bury what had happened. I was left in a paralyzed state – overwhelmed, ashamed, and broken.

Despair took hold of me and shortly thereafter I attempted suicide. I survived and was hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks. Afterward, I returned to high school. I acted like everything was normal. I hid behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; incapable of dealing with my emotions. I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered.

I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered.

I struggled with my mental health throughout university. Eventually, I went to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. Counselors wanted me to discuss my past sexual trauma. I panicked. I dropped out of the treatment program early. As a result, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor.

For twenty years, my issues persisted but I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, wedding, parenthood, buying a home, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued. I felt a definite ‘hole in my soul.’ I tried to fill it in all the wrong places. This behavior perpetuated my mental illness.

I was like a pressure cooker with the pressure mounting. For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health. I was in denial. I vehemently avoided my emotions and felt detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. Plus a whole lot of drama and worry. (I am incredibly thankful for my amazing husband, family, and friends that stood by and supported me).

Without release, a pressure cooker will eventually explode. That’s exactly what happened to me five years ago. I was depressed, hopeless, and overwhelmed with life – confident that I was a failure and would never get better. This false belief caused me to try suicide and landed me in hospital; thus beginning my long recovery journey.

A Seed of Hope

After having my stomach pumped, I laid awake for much of the night feeling ashamed and defeated. I was a mom to two beautiful young daughters. Now, Family and Children’s Services was assessing whether I was mentally fit to mother my own children.

The emergency psychiatrist evaluated me and reviewed my history. He suggested that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after sexual assault. He also mentioned that many of my issues be rectified if I mentally processed that event.

He proceeded to explain that traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology. Your experiences influence who you are. They also affect how you behave socially. Additionally, they impact you emotionally and physically.

This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own trauma. I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it.

I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it.

I felt hopeful that I could recover and that moment was the start of my recovery journey. I promptly took a leave from teaching to focus on getting well. The decision was quickly made. I would go to Homewood (rehab center) to intensively focus on my mental health struggles. This would take place during their eight-week in-patient program.

When I arrived at rehab, doctors openly doubted my future success in the program. My shield of perfectionism was obvious. My fear of vulnerability was not congruent with the group therapy model.

I certainly struggled to be open and vulnerable. My sense of loneliness gradually diminished as I connected and felt understood by others with related issues. I genuinely laughed and felt a little lighter for the first time in a long time. Yet, as at my earlier treatment facility, I left Homewood with unfinished business. I still would not discuss my trauma.

I learned many valuable skills while at rehab. I grew in many ways. Nonetheless, my poor coping strategies were most familiar and accessible. Practising daily recovery habits proved difficult at home with two young daughters. I relapsed and my life quickly began to spiral out of control again. I left Homewood in May 2019 and was back in November for another eight-week program.

I knew that things were not going to improve. I was not going to keep sobriety or mental wellness. This would persist until I faced and worked through what had happened to me, whether I wanted to or not. Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it.

I went back to rehab. I worked tremendously hard for a time. But as I had done before, I fled when things got too emotionally difficult. For the third consecutive time, I dropped out of rehab against medical advice in December 2019.

A lot happened in my life after this. I lost my driver’s license for leaving rehab against doctor’s orders. I continued outpatient day treatment. Then, I broke my ankle and required surgery, which rendered me unable to walk for 3 months. It eventually took a full year and another surgery as my ankle did not heal properly. Of course, Covid disrupted the world, affecting everyone. Needless to say, I continued my downward spiral (and was a magnet for chaos).

I had already gone to rehab twice in the previous year. I was still struggling with alcohol and food. I felt increasingly hopeless about ever recovering. I was not in a good place emotionally, spiritually or physically.

In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halt. I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell. I sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours. I was just going over things in my head.

I was immensely disappointed in myself. I knew that I only move ahead. I had to accept the ramifications of my actions. I recognized that this was my final rock bottom and the wake-up call that I desperately needed. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day. Things could have easily ended in a tragically different way.

Miraculously, in the days after my arrest and time in jail, I felt an obvious shift within me. I had an epiphany. All the craziness in my life, pain, and struggle was making sense. I was finally capable of seeing it. I realized that everything in my life happened exactly as it did for a reason, including my trauma. Without these events, I would not have my two beautiful daughters. There was no point in continuing to run away from my past. This new acceptance brought tremendous peace as I was able to embrace my past as necessary to my current.

This change of heart put me in the right direction. I still had to face the consequences of my criminal charges. Additionally, I needed to put the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. The point is that I saw the work ahead of me. I no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation. Instead, I had a newfound faith and stillness in my heart.

I stopped drinking and committed to getting and staying sober. I still struggled with disordered eating but giving up alcohol was a necessary starting point. The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. The absence of alcohol brought about significant changes. My willingness to be honest and open with myself also contributed to these changes.

I stayed off work for another year as I continued to solidify my recovery. I was 14 months alcohol-free when I gradually returned to work in fall 2021. Unfortunately, shortly after returning to work full-time, I started experiencing signs of diminished mental health. By January 2022, I continued a downturn. I turned again to dysfunctional coping strategies to manage. These included eating disorder behaviours and using marijuana. This affected my ability to be an effective teacher.

I had made good progress during my earlier few years. Yet, it was clear that I still had some issues to work through. These issues were keeping me in a state of mental sickness. My doctor agreed and I reluctantly took yet another leave of absence from work during the 2022/2023 school year. This decision was especially difficult. I had to admit that I returned to work and failed. So, I had to take another leave.

I decided against inpatient treatment. I was motivated to recover and felt like being at home was best for my family. I worked with a dietitian three times weekly to gain weight. I also focused on developing consistent eating habits and improving my relationship with food. Additionally, I had sessions twice weekly with a counselor where we focused on trauma recovery. It was a productive and healing year – the necessary final leg of my long wellness journey.

In September 2023, I returned to teaching Kindergarten full-time. That was the first time in my career that I felt calm and content with both life and work. I enjoy my job and it feels rewarding to be back in the classroom and school community. That being said, I am still learning to trust calm and stillness, as chaos was before most familiar and comfortable.

Where I Am Now

Today I feel completely transformed as I have a peace within that I never thought possible. I now have healthy coping strategies and am 3.5 years alcohol-free; sober, and without disordered eating habits. I am no longer stuck in inner chaos. I have learned how to calm my emotional storms and take control of my well-being.

Today I feel completely transformed as I possess a peace within that I never thought possible.

I feel blessed to have a second chance at life. I have since learned that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. I was afraid of facing my emotions; fearful of vulnerability; fearful of not measuring up; fearful of failure and more. Instead of facing my fears, I found ways to avoid and hide behind them. I have since learned that fear is a liar. I cannot always believe the fear that creeps inside my head.

Author Brené Brown’s words deeply resonated with me. They gave me strength and courage to write my own ending to a story I once thought hopeless. “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.” After two decades, my sexual assault no longer defines or controls me. That is life-changing and empowering to me – I am grateful to have (finally) changed the end of my story.

I am proof that healing is possible and with that comes post-traumatic wisdom and growth. I have learned that sharing one’s story is powerful. Take what has happened to you. Turn it into power. I used to think of my vulnerabilities as weaknesses so I hid my true self from the world. I now embrace vulnerability. I feel compelled to share what I have gained along my journey to mental wellness. I want to help others that are struggling.

Recovery is not easy but it is well worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. And when you have hope, you will never be alone. Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.

Throughout my recovery, writing has become a therapeutic outlet. I have discovered that I am louder on the inside than I have ever known. My story’s ending is continually evolving. I step out of my darkness and continue my pursuit of becoming authentically me. I am no longer ashamed of my past and now see the strength and courage in my recovery. My future feels bright and hopeful. I am excited to see where my recovery journey will continue to take me. I look ahead to sharing all that I have learned along the way – hope, healing, and owning your story.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. :-)

If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out for help. You are not alone. Reach out and connect with someone. 

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you are not in crisis but looking for additional mental health support, there are numerous free apps or online resources for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, PTSD etc. 

Recovery is possible and you are worth it!!