“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr

Old Thinking

Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm. 

From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control. 

In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.

Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability. 

In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating. 

During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction. 

The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues. 

As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.

Learned in Recovery

The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.  

Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. 

Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.

People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life. 

My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles. 

That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down. 

This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020. 

The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos. 

New Thinking

Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.

In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around. 

The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go. 

You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”.  Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative  emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control. 

Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness. 

Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.

Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys.