“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”

Brené Brown

Old Thinking

Years ago I could not imagine much worse than emotional exposure. I did whatever I could to hide my true emotions and self from the world. To me, vulnerability felt weak and unsafe. Learning to be vulnerable has been one of the most difficult and rewarding aspects of my recovery. 

I used to fear vulnerability and was a master of disguise – hiding my emotions behind a facade of perfectionism and avoidance. Since I was a child, I have struggled with being my true self. I was eager to please and avoided conflict. I preferred to keep the peace and others happy, morphing into whatever I thought others wanted me to be.  I had unconsciously learned that being small and agreeable allowed me to avoid uncomfortable situations and control the narrative of how people saw me. 

As a result, I was disconnected from myself and others; using food to numb at an early age and turning to alcohol in my teenage years. Leaving home to attend university exacerbated my inner struggles. Perfectionism allowed me to project to others that I had it all together while secretly feeling insecure and inadequate. 

While already a people-pleaser by nature, being sexually assaulted as a teenager left me in a state of emotional paralysis. My nervous system was overwhelmed and shut down. A response of trauma is fear of vulnerability and emotional avoidance. Denial is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. By not acknowledging my emotions or what had happened to me, I was blocking it out and keeping myself safe. 

Consequently, I lacked deep connections with others because I was emotionally closed off. I had many people in my life but mostly at a superficial level as I kept them at a distance. I could not connect with others on an emotional level as I was numb on the inside. This was isolating and perpetually kept the cycle of depression and mental illness strong. 

When I went to rehab the second time, the doctors doubted that I would be successful in the program due to my obvious avoidance of vulnerability and perfectionism. One doctor went so far as to ask why I bothered staying because I clearly was not ready to change. Masking my vulnerability was so natural to me that I did not even realize that I was doing it. I could lie to your face about how I was doing and not think twice.

One thing about rehab is that they love talking about emotions. You meet multiple times a day to check-in but do not dare say “I feel good” when asked how you are feeling. You will promptly be told that ‘good’ is not a feeling and referred to the massive feelings wheel to better pinpoint your specific emotion then try again. 

Alright then I feel mad for all the stupid rules and expectations in rehab. Or I feel guilty for being here while my family is at home. Or how about that I feel perpetually sad? Any of those would work. 

Instead I simply reply: “I am happy” hoping to avoid further scrutiny or discussion. While far from the truth, perfectionism was deeply ingrained in me and truthfully, I did not know how to break free from it. I simply did not have the emotional safety and ability to identify, experience, and process all that was being brought to the surface. Not surprisingly, even while in rehab, I resorted to old coping habits to deal with the discomfort I was feeling (i.e. relapsing with alcohol, and restricting food). I simply could not be vulnerable. 

Learned in Recovery

Eventually, with the threat of being discharged, I was forced out of my comfort zone. Medical staff acknowledged that the process would be difficult for me but I had to at least put in some effort. I slowly began opening up and trying to identify and share how I was feeling with others. It was difficult as I felt exposed and unsafe. I did not want others to see the cracks in the image that I tried so hard to convey. What would people think of me? Would they see all my brokenness? Would they reject me?

Author Brené Brown speaks about vulnerability and has had a profound impact on my recovery. According to Brown, perfectionism (and lack of vulnerability) prevents one from having meaningful connections with others. She proceeds to say that “vulnerability is a catalyst to connection”. 

I experienced this firsthand as I started being open during group therapy and something shifted internally. By trusting and letting people in, I was forming genuine connections to others on an emotional level. This was new to me and although it was uncomfortable, I felt less alone. I also became more self-aware and compassionate to myself and those around me. 

I laughed immensely and experienced true joy at rehab. Not because it was a particularly enjoyable place to be but because I was learning to put down my facade in a safe environment with others with related issues. Many of us had been emotionally avoidant and were all learning to be vulnerable and forming connections with others for the first time since childhood. The term “recovery” means to “get back” and that is precisely what was happening. We were returning to a healthy state of mind before we got sidetracked by fear. 

Learning to put my guard down and be real and honest was grudgingly painful. Sometimes I would catch myself falling back into perfectionism and dodging vulnerability, especially when things got emotionally difficult. As I pulled away and retreated back into myself, the loneliness resumed and I was reminded of my newfound need for connection – which came from a willingness to have an open heart and be vulnerable.

New Thinking

Recovery has taught me the beauty of vulnerability as a key part of mental wellness. I no longer fear vulnerability or see it as a weakness. “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” asserts Brown. The benefits of being vulnerable are immeasurable and life-changing.

Brown also said that: “when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be known, we cultivate love.” My marriage and relationships have been radically enriched since I have learned to embrace vulnerability and truly be seen and known. I feel more loving towards life, myself and others. I now experience a deeper love for (and from) my daughters, husband, family, and friends. It is a new wonderful feeling and I truly bask in the comfort of loving and being loved without holding back. 

Vulnerability has given me the capacity to have meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging. High quality connections with others is integral to well-being. An important aspect of strong relationships is trust which builds emotional bonds and comes from being vulnerable. That includes allowing others to see the real you: flaws and all. There is beauty in imperfection. (Plus it’s exhausting trying to pretend to be something that you are not!)

Perfectionism used to protect me by keeping people at a distance but is now counterproductive to healing. Overcoming perfectionism means the acceptance of discomfort and embracing life on life’s terms. Brown asserts that: “Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”. I no longer strive to convey myself as having it all together or hide my flaws from others. I worry less about what others think of me. This has been one of the most difficult yet liberating realizations. My happiness is no longer contingent on what others think of me, nor is it any of my business. 

Feeling vulnerable has gradually become more natural. I finally feel emotionally safe to do so although admittedly it can be difficult at times. The difference is that I no longer use food or alcohol to numb or hide from my emotions. I now know that by avoiding my emotions, I was not just escaping the uncomfortable ones but also the pleasant ones. Ultimately, no emotion lasts forever; they come and go, rise and fall, like waves in the ocean. Fortunately, as I have learned to deal with my emotions and they have become more consistently stable, I do not experience such extreme highs and lows anymore. Which if we are talking waves is not good news for a surfer, but pretty ok for me.

I have learned that without processing your emotions, they do not go away.  Instead they become amplified and leave a residual effect in your life of unresolved business (often a root cause of addiction or other mental health issues). Denial does not work because your body does not forget. By embracing emotions as they come, you are taking control before emotions take control of you. 

Committing to vulnerability takes courage but is necessary to living an authentic life. The benefits of doing so are incredible. I continue to welcome vulnerability in my life and encourage others to do the same. By doing so, your relationships will be strengthened; your anxiety diminished; your self-awareness and self-compassion increased; and you will develop a greater appreciation of life. 

If you are courageous enough to be vulnerable, then expect positive things to come your way: “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” according to Brown. 

As evident, I hold Brené Brown in high esteem as her book has drastically enhanced my life: “Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live”. As Brown stresses, if you want to grow and live a meaningful life then you need to ‘lean into the discomfort’ and challenge old habits. This includes being vulnerable and learning to be authentically yourself. I highly recommend the book as my life has been transformed by breaking down my facade and allowing others to know me. 

Step out of your shadow and let your light shine! There is only one you so embrace your authentic self and reap the rewards of being genuine.