“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending”

Brené Brown

Where I Was

Five years ago today, I woke up in the hospital after an intentional overdose. I was depressed and hopeless, not believing that I would overcome all my inner struggles. I strongly believed that my young daughters and family were better off without me. 

That fateful day marked the beginning of a long, difficult road to get well. Today I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. My story has gone from one of sadness and desperation to one filled with love and hope. I have been completely transformed and feel like I have a new chance at life. 

During my darkest time, I made a vow. I promised to share how to get well if I can figure it out. I would also tell others how to do it too. Having said that, welcome to the start of my blog and sharing of my recovery journey. 

Let me go back to the beginning. I have long struggled with my mental health. I grew up in a loving family and while a happy child, I remember experiencing anxiety from a young age. Although at the time, I did not know what I was feeling and simply felt restless and uneasy. 

As a young child, I was a people–pleaser. I used being a “good girl” to hide my uncomfortable emotions. An eating disorder was an early refuge from my inner nerves. In hindsight, I was a little girl. I was trying to find order in my world. This happened when things felt out of my control. By grade 4, I was showing signs of disordered eating. By age 12, I was in treatment for an eating disorder.

My life derailed at age 15, when I was sexually assaulted. It instantly left me feeling detached from myself and the world, as I struggled to at the same time comprehend and bury what had happened. I was left in a paralyzed state – overwhelmed, ashamed, and broken. 

Despair took hold of me and shortly thereafter I attempted suicide. I survived and was hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks. Afterward, I returned to high school. I acted like everything was normal. I hid behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; incapable of dealing with my emotions. I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered. 

I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered. 

I struggled with my mental health throughout university. Eventually, I went to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. Counselors wanted me to discuss my past sexual trauma. I panicked. I dropped out of the treatment program early. As a result, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor. 

For twenty years, my issues persisted but I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, wedding, parenthood, buying a home, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued. I felt a definite ‘hole in my soul.’ I tried to fill it in all the wrong places. This behavior perpetuated my mental illness.

I was like a pressure cooker with the pressure mounting. For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health. I was in denial. I vehemently avoided my emotions and felt detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. Plus a whole lot of drama and worry. (I am incredibly thankful for my amazing husband, family, and friends that stood by and supported me).

Without release, a pressure cooker will eventually explode. That’s exactly what happened to me five years ago. I was depressed, hopeless, and overwhelmed with life – confident that I was a failure and would never get better. This false belief caused me to try suicide and landed me in hospital; thus beginning my long recovery journey. 

A Seed of Hope

After having my stomach pumped, I laid awake for much of the night feeling ashamed and defeated. I was a mom to two beautiful young daughters. Now, Family and Children’s Services was assessing whether I was mentally fit to mother my own children. 

The emergency psychiatrist evaluated me and reviewed my history. He suggested that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after sexual assault. He also mentioned that many of my issues be rectified if I mentally processed that event. 

He proceeded to explain that traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology. Your experiences influence who you are. They also affect how you behave socially. Additionally, they impact you emotionally and physically. 

This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own trauma. I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it. 

I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it. 

I felt hopeful that I could recover and that moment was the start of my recovery journey. I promptly took a leave from teaching to focus on getting well. The decision was quickly made. I would go to Homewood (rehab center) to intensively focus on my mental health struggles. This would take place during their eight-week in-patient program. 

When I arrived at rehab, doctors openly doubted my future success in the program. My shield of perfectionism was obvious. My fear of vulnerability was not congruent with the group therapy model. 

I certainly struggled to be open and vulnerable. My sense of loneliness gradually diminished as I connected and felt understood by others with related issues.  I genuinely laughed and felt a little lighter for the first time in a long time. Yet, as at my earlier treatment facility, I left Homewood with unfinished business. I still would not discuss my trauma. 

I learned many valuable skills while at rehab. I grew in many ways. Nonetheless, my poor coping strategies were most familiar and accessible. Practising daily recovery habits proved difficult at home with two young daughters. I relapsed and my life quickly began to spiral out of control again. I left Homewood in May 2019 and was back in November for another eight-week program. 

I knew that things were not going to improve. I was not going to keep sobriety or mental wellness. This would persist until I faced and worked through what had happened to me, whether I wanted to or not. Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it. 

I went back to rehab. I worked tremendously hard for a time. But as I had done before, I fled when things got too emotionally difficult. For the third consecutive time, I dropped out of rehab against medical advice in December 2019. 

A lot happened in my life after this. I lost my driver’s license for leaving rehab against doctor’s orders. I continued outpatient day treatment. Then, I broke my ankle and required surgery, which rendered me unable to walk for 3 months. It eventually took a full year and another surgery as my ankle did not heal properly. Of course, Covid disrupted the world, affecting everyone. Needless to say, I continued my downward spiral (and was a magnet for chaos). 

I had already gone to rehab twice in the previous year. I was still struggling with alcohol and food. I felt increasingly hopeless about ever recovering. I was not in a good place emotionally, spiritually or physically. 

In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halt. I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell. I sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours. I was just going over things in my head. 

I was immensely disappointed in myself. I knew that I only move ahead. I had to accept the ramifications of my actions. I recognized that this was my final rock bottom and the wake-up call that I desperately needed. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day. Things could have easily ended in a tragically different way. 

Miraculously, in the days after my arrest and time in jail, I felt an obvious shift within me. I had an epiphany. All the craziness in my life, pain, and struggle was making sense. I was finally capable of seeing it. I realized that everything in my life happened exactly as it did for a reason, including my trauma. Without these events, I would not have my two beautiful daughters.  There was no point in continuing to run away from my past. This new acceptance brought tremendous peace as I was able to embrace my past as necessary to my current.

This change of heart put me in the right direction. I still had to face the consequences of my criminal charges. Additionally, I needed to put the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. The point is that I saw the work ahead of me. I no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation. Instead, I had a newfound faith and stillness in my heart. 

I stopped drinking and committed to getting and staying sober. I still struggled with disordered eating but giving up alcohol was a necessary starting point. The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. The absence of alcohol brought about significant changes. My willingness to be honest and open with myself also contributed to these changes. 

I stayed off work for another year as I continued to solidify my recovery. I was 14 months alcohol-free when I gradually returned to work in fall 2021. Unfortunately, shortly after returning to work full-time, I started experiencing signs of diminished mental health. By January 2022, I continued a downturn. I turned again to dysfunctional coping strategies to manage. These included eating disorder behaviours and using marijuana. This affected my ability to be an effective teacher. 

I had made good progress during my earlier few years. Yet, it was clear that I still had some issues to work through. These issues were keeping me in a state of mental sickness. My doctor agreed and I reluctantly took yet another leave of absence from work during the 2022/2023 school year. This decision was especially difficult. I had to admit that I returned to work and failed. So, I had to take another leave. 

I decided against inpatient treatment. I was motivated to recover and felt like being at home was best for my family. I worked with a dietitian three times weekly to gain weight. I also focused on developing consistent eating habits and improving my relationship with food. Additionally, I had sessions twice weekly with a counselor where we focused on trauma recovery. It was a productive and healing year – the necessary final leg of my long wellness journey. 

In September 2023, I returned to teaching Kindergarten full-time. That was the first time in my career that I felt calm and content with both life and work. I enjoy my job and it feels rewarding to be back in the classroom and school community. That being said, I am still learning to trust calm and stillness, as chaos was before most familiar and comfortable. 

Where I Am Now

Today I feel completely transformed as I have a peace within that I never thought possible. I now have healthy coping strategies and am 3.5 years alcohol-free; sober, and without disordered eating habits. I am no longer stuck in inner chaos. I have learned how to calm my emotional storms and take control of my well-being. 

Today I feel completely transformed as I possess a peace within that I never thought possible.

I feel blessed to have a second chance at life. I have since learned that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. I was afraid of facing my emotions; fearful of vulnerability; fearful of not measuring up; fearful of failure and more. Instead of facing my fears, I found ways to avoid and hide behind them. I have since learned that fear is a liar. I cannot always believe the fear that creeps inside my head. 

Author Brené Brown’s words deeply resonated with me. They gave me strength and courage to write my own ending to a story I once thought hopeless. “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.” After two decades, my sexual assault no longer defines or controls me. That is life-changing and empowering to me – I am grateful to have (finally) changed the end of my story.

I am proof that healing is possible and with that comes post-traumatic wisdom and growth. I have learned that sharing one’s story is powerful. Take what has happened to you. Turn it into power. I used to think of my vulnerabilities as weaknesses so I hid my true self from the world. I now embrace vulnerability. I feel compelled to share what I have gained along my journey to mental wellness. I want to help others that are struggling. 

Recovery is not easy but it is well worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. And when you have hope, you will never be alone. Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step. 

Throughout my recovery, writing has become a therapeutic outlet. I have discovered that I am louder on the inside than I have ever known. My story’s ending is continually evolving. I step out of my darkness and continue my pursuit of becoming authentically me. I am no longer ashamed of my past and now see the strength and courage in my recovery. My future feels bright and hopeful. I am excited to see where my recovery journey will continue to take me. I look ahead to sharing all that I have learned along the way – hope, healing, and owning your story.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. :-) 

If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out for help. You are not alone. Reach out and connect with someone. 

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you are not in crisis but looking for additional mental health support, there are numerous free apps or online resources for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, PTSD etc. 

Recovery is possible and you are worth it!!