Tag: healing

Navigating Recovery: Overcoming Setbacks and Finding Strength

“Mrs. Leslie, why are you lying on the floor?” asked a curious Kindergarten student. 

“I don’t know,” I replied. Suddenly the reality of being on the ground hit me as I realized that I had fainted at school. “Go tell the teacher,” I said to the two young students who were now standing beside me. 

“Okay,” they said and walked towards my classroom.

“Actually” I started to say, “It’s okay, I’ll get up.” As I began to stand up, I felt increasingly light-headed again. 

“Okay, bye,” said the boy as he skipped to the hallway. 

“I’m going to tell an adult,” said the girl, and off she went to tell the teacher. 

Moments later my Principal was sitting on the floor beside me. The guilt and shame hit me. I was embarrassed and would not look her in the eye. To top it off, my parents were called to pick me up from my school. 

During the Christmas holidays, I fell back into some old habits. Unbeknownst to loved ones, I veered off track from my recovery. It was the fourth day back from the break and I knew that was why I had fainted. 

I afterward took a few days off work to refocus and regroup. I did not want my setback to take me down a dark path of full blown eating disorder (ED) again. I needed to get back on my recovery path. 

I had an extensive discussion with my counselor. It helped me unpack what happened and why I had became unraveled after doing relatively well over the past few months. She instructed me to have compassion with myself as I had obviously struggled to manage how things were going. As a result, I resorted to old habits by default. 

Anorexia and bulimia have provided me with a (false and misleading) sense of control. This happens when things have felt out of my control. Somehow restricting my food intake or fixating on food and exercise distracts me from my everyday challenges. It seems illogical when I think about it in a healthier mindset. But it feels perfectly logical when I am stuck in ED mode.

My current focus needs to be what I can do moving ahead to resume a healthy course. Reflecting on my own behaviour will help me become more attuned to signs of distress. This awareness can help prevent exposure to triggers and future mishaps. 

I am grateful for and committed to continuing my recovery. That being said, dang it is difficult and exhausting sometimes. I have learned a great deal about the road to recovery and how difficult it can be. 

Recovery is not linear

I felt down and discouraged after fainting. Then, I was reminded of how far I have come since committing to getting well. I have fallen back into negative habits after a period of improvement. Still, I am not the broken girl that I used to be. 

My recovery journey began in February 2019 after hitting a rock bottom and mental health crisis. I began my mental health journey to face substance abuse, anorexia, bulimia, and trauma. This included two trips to residential rehab. I have not had alcohol since July 2020 after a DUI charge and spiritual awakening. (Read my other blog posts to learn more about my story). 

My father reminded me that I have more self-awareness and identified my setback early and am taking action. My tolerance for maladaptive behaviour is lower before taking action to handle any setbacks. Yet, in the past, I would have little regard for my bad habits as they were part of my normal. Each time I have a reset, I am getting stronger, wiser, and quicker at rebooting my recovery habits. 

Now six years into it, I know firsthand that recovery is not smooth sailing. The road to recovery often includes a series of setbacks. It also has periods of progress. Each misstep can be an opportunity to learn and grow. Setbacks are part of the process. 

Recovery is a journey to say the least. It is messy, rewarding, and exhausting. Things will not always go in a linear direction. This means it does not progress smoothly from one stage to the next. In spite of that, two steps ahead, one step back is still movement in the right direction. 

Recovery means recreating your identity

Recovery has given me an identity crisis. I am in this uncomfortable transformation. My old self is gone but my new self is not fully born yet. I feel like I am an impostor in two worlds. Where do I fit in? 

Inner turmoil and struggles have defined my identity for decades. Chaos has felt comfortable and familiar to me. Hiding behind facades like perfectionism hid my true self. Avoiding vulnerability kept others at a distance. 

Creating a new identity is an important part of recovery. If not struggling then who am I? I am no longer in the thick of my struggles so do not connect with that anymore. Yet I am not quite the healthy, stable woman that I aspire to be. 

After being sexually assaulted at age 15, my emotional growth was stunted. In many ways I am much like a teenager learning how to navigate life. Everything feels like unfamiliar territory. I am this new person interacting with the world so differently. 

I am rebuilding a new identity that reflects me, and not just my mental health issues. I openly share about my struggles and self-recognize as in recovery. That’s not all that I am. Nor is it all that I want to be. Recovery has given me an opportunity to explore new interests, set goals, and create a new narrative for myself. 

Struggling with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority in my relationships is still common for me. I often feel like my mental health struggles are shortcomings and a burden to others. I am navigating my transformation. With the birth of the new me, I am grateful for the support and encouragement of my family and friends. I look ahead to finding my purpose and growing into the woman that God has destined me to be. 

Recovery is more than just removing bad habits

Looking for happiness in all the wrong ways is something that I have done for too long. For twenty years, I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, parenthood, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued; thus perpetuating my mental illness.

I initially went to rehab with the goal of overcoming substance abuse. I also aimed to tackle disordered eating and trauma recovery. In doing so I expected that my problems would disappear and I would be happy. I have since learned that those vices were not my problem, they were my solution. My problems remained. Except now I needed to deal with them sober and in new, healthier ways. 

Recovery requires looking at the underlying reasons behind the negative behavior and working to address them. Without dealing with the root issues, I am merely “white-knuckling” it and will continue to relapse into old habits. I must stick with my recovery plan or else old stimuli will yield the same results.

Recovery involves actively developing new, healthy routines and habits to replace the old destructive ones. The brain can be rewired by repeatedly making the right choices to strengthen those new neural pathways. The more you practice a new behavior, the easier and more natural it becomes. The brain will disconnect the paths that are no longer used.

Not to be forgotten is the importance of social support in recovery. Building positive relationships and a supportive network is a vital part of recovery. I am grateful for the people that are also in recovery plus those rooting for me at the sidelines. 

Relapsing exemplifies that recovery is going beyond simply stopping negative behavior and involves making consistent lifestyle choices. Looking back, I can see that in the busyness of life this fall, I did not focus on my recovery. This oversight caused me to lose momentum and unknowingly fall backwards. 

Summary

I feel fed up with the thoughts holding my mind captive. This feeling intensifies especially when others in the world are sick, dying, and grieving. People are going through divorces, depression, or unemployment. All while I am fighting with food and eating. It feels selfish. I have to remember that mental health disorders are medical conditions. They can affect a person’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and perceptions. Knowing this, I am trying to be compassionate with myself.

To overcome my challenges, I am doing my best to try again and get back up after falling. The old me was based in secrecy and isolation. The new version is trying to do better by being open and honest. I am not where I want to be but I will continue working towards that. 

Recovery is a lifelong journey, requiring ongoing commitment and adjustments. I will continue to fight the good fight. I am committed to recovery and overcoming my challenges. Recovery takes consistent, constant work and habit formation to keep yourself growing. I am also thankful for the people in my life that continue to support and encourage me. 

I aim to find lasting ways to achieve happiness and fulfillment. I also want to engage with my life after being disconnected from it for too long. I wish it was easier. Yet I am grateful for my recovery. I will continue to push at it. I will grow into the person that God has destined me to be. 

For anyone still struggling, know that the road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. You will have ups and downs, progress, and setbacks. Two steps ahead, one step back is still progress despite setbacks. Just keep moving onward. You can do it!

Giving Up Shame & Gaslighting Myself

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” – Brené Brown

Old Thinking

By learning to heal from shame, I have been freed from hurt and gaslighting myself. For twenty years, shame and guilt marred my existence. I felt unworthy and unlovable. I have since realized that it was all in my head.

As a child, I was a people-pleaser by nature and did not want to disappoint others. That came at a cost as I put others’ needs above my own. I could easily be made to feel guilty and pressured into doing things. Much of my sense of self was contingent on how people viewed me and being a good girl. I would often feel guilty and badly about myself if I did not live up to my high standards. Therefore, feelings of shame started at an early age for me. 

The trauma of being sexually assaulted skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for two decades. As I tried to make sense of what had happened, I believed the cognitive bias which assumes that people get what they deserve. Such as: “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours for too long.

I wondered how I could be so stupid to put myself in the position for that to happen. I felt like I had brought on my sexual assault; a thought that plagued me for decades.  I felt that I was now damaged and unworthy. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly amplified my suffering. 

Slowly and unknowingly, my self-criticism and judgment had turned me against myself. Negative self-talk dominated, always minimizing my accomplishments and second-guessing my decisions, never allowing myself to enjoy achieving my goals. I believed all of my lies. 

To the point that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. Shame will motivate you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your flaws and unworthiness. 

This led to poor coping strategies to numb my uncomfortable feelings of self-loathing, such as disordered eating and substance abuse. After partaking in these destructive patterns, I would subsequently feel immense shame about my behaviour, and myself which would continue the cycle. 

When I first started dating my husband Craig, I carried a heaviness knowing that I had 2 shameful secrets, confident that he would break up with me once he found out. With great dread, I finally mustered up the courage to tell him. I confessed that I had long struggled with an eating disorder, and that I was sexually assaulted at age 15 and it still affected me. 

Craig was immediately supportive and reassured me that his feelings about me did not waiver. I, however, remember lying awake that night believing that he now thought less of me and I was not worthy of his love. 

Shame continued to fuel my dysfunctional behaviour for years, reaching a crisis when my daughters were two and four years old. I felt completely inadequate and inferior as a mother, riddled with mental illness, and believing that they (as well as my family) would be better off without me. Thus leading to an intentional overdose and the beginning of my path to recovery. 

Learned in Recovery

When I went to rehab I quickly saw how much guilt and shame perpetuated my mental illness. My feelings of shame had consumed me and kept me spiralling and disconnected from the world. 

One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown, has been pivotal in my understanding of shame. In her book Daring Greatly, she says: “I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort”.

She proceeds to define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”. In other words, guilt says “I did a bad or wrong thing” where shame says “I am bad or wrong”. 

Shame may be caused by many factors such as trauma or any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., social anxiety disorder or perfectionism) Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself can lead to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

Brown states that shame is not helpful or productive. Realistically, shame is more likely to perpetuate “destructive, hurtful behaviours” such as addiction and other mental illnesses. This hit the nail on the head for me and I began to see how much I was fuelling my own issues. 

I began to see that I was not a bad person, as shame had me believe; rather, I was sick and needed to take responsibility to get well. 

Additionally, learning how perfectionism played into guilt and shame was pivotal. Previously I struggled with all-or-nothing or thinking in extremes. I was either a success or a failure. My performance was perfect or terrible. I am fat or thin. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray at all. People who think in all-or-nothing terms may also act in equivalently extreme ways (anorexia, bulimia, and addiction for me) – becoming trapped in the avoidance strategies created to escape the pain.

That is what happened to me. I used to hide behind a facade of perfectionism to conceal my shame. I learned that I had been gaslighting myself. This is when you engage in self-blaming, self-shaming, or otherwise holding oneself responsible for painful or traumatic events. I had been telling myself a narrative about myself for nearly two decades that kept me disconnected (from myself and others) while keeping me trapped in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, negative self-talk, and maladaptive behaviours. 

Sadly, shame causes our attention to turn inward; isolating ourselves from our surroundings and withdrawing into closed-off self-absorption. Not only do we feel alienated from others but also from the healthy parts of ourselves.

It was only when I finally committed to work through my inner dialogue during intensive therapy that I was able to refute the lies that I had been telling myself. I was not a bad person. While I was not proud of some of my past behaviours, I came to realize that good people can make bad choices.

I now look back at my fifteen year-old self with love and compassion as opposed to shame, guilt and anger. I see that I was not at fault for what happened to me and I am no longer burdened by feelings of shame and guilt. I have embraced my past and am now writing a brave new ending to a story once thought hopeless. 

New Thinking

Healing my shame was probably one of the most difficult experiences in my recovery because it meant I had to open deep wounds and challenge deep seeded beliefs about myself. This inner work brought me face-to-face with the shame that was caused by the parts of myself I hated the most. I had to start healing the parts of myself that hurt the most. 

That being said, finding the courage to address my shame has enhanced my well-being and life in immeasurable ways. 

While my past has shaped me in various ways, it no longer defines me or weighs me down. I own my story and have the courage and motivation to write a new ending which includes growth, love, and motivation to help others. 

The maladaptive behaviours that once helped me hide are not useful to me anymore as I am no longer a victim to shame. I am sober and trying to live life on life’s terms. As a result, I feel calmer and connected to myself and others. I finally feel engaged and invested in life.

I am more aware of my language and how I speak to myself, my daughters, and others. While I may feel guilty about the way I behaved in a given situation, I am able to forgive myself and do not associate that with feelings of self-worth. I no longer allow shaming myself. 

Learning to challenge perfectionism has also been pivotal to my recovery. I catch myself if I am thinking in extremes and now look for more gray areas. It is not always this or that – there are plenty of possibilities in the middle. 

I do not feel as guilty about things anymore. Since I have learned to put up healthy boundaries, I am ok if others are disappointed with me. As long as my actions align with my own values then I will not be made to feel guilty about things.

Sometimes I catch myself stoking the fire again. Old thoughts and feelings will creep up and challenge my self-worth.  This is an opportunity for me to practice self-compassion and self-love as I remind myself that I am human and inherently worthy. 

If you feel riddled with shame, there are several ways to find healing.

First, acknowledging the difference between guilt and shame is integral. Accept responsibility for your mistake. Facing what you have done is the first step toward forgiving yourself but your self-worth must not be contingent on your wrongdoings.

Additionally, talk about your feelings. It can be really helpful to talk to someone else as a way to process your feelings. Sometimes just speaking aloud can help keep your thoughts in perspective. 

Be aware of your self-talk. Do you have black and white thinking? Are you too hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Remember that good people can make bad choices.

Also of importance is how you speak to others, especially children. The phrase “You should be ashamed of yourself” can be damaging as those words just may be taken to heart by little ears. Modeling self-compassion is a way to teach healthy processing of mistakes without shaming. 

Choosing strength over shame is empowering and sets a foundation for positive well-being and a life worth living. It is important to address shame as it will unequivocally bring you down and negatively impact your well-being. Remember that shame is a matter of self-perception so change your mindset to change your life.

The Liberation of Overcoming Trauma

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to be.

– Carl Jung

Old Thinking

Learning to overcome my trauma has been the most difficult aspect of my recovery. It has also been incredibly liberating as I have released myself from the chains of my past. Trauma changed me but it no longer controls me. 

Being sexually assaulted at age 15 had an immediate life-changing and damaging effect on my life. I was left feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and disconnected from life. I was not developmentally able to process what had happened and despair quickly took hold, causing me to attempt suicide shortly afterwards.

I subsequently remained hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks, then returned to high school like everything was normal – hiding behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; unable to deal with my emotions. I was traumatized and unaware how much this incident would control me over the next twenty years.

I continued to struggle with my mental health throughout university and eventually ended up going to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. When counselors pushed me to talk about my past sexual trauma, I panicked and dropped out of the treatment program early. Consequently, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor. 

Unbeknownst to me, trauma was affecting my life in multiple ways beyond being in denial. I carried around substantial shame about what had happened which perpetuated my dysfunctional coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse and disordered eating. My life was consistently full of drama as my emotions were running the show. I was anxious, irrational, and overreactive. I was also depressed and disengaged with life, lacking meaningful connections to others largely due to trust issues and a fear of vulnerability. The light of who I was had dimmed to near darkness.

There were countless times that I could not understand why I acted the way I did. I could not articulate my needs or override my emotional brain when it was triggered, causing over-activity and over-reactivity (e.g. fight/flight/freeze response). Men were a strong trigger for me. 

For instance, one time I was intimidated by a guy at a bar so I abruptly left the bar (without telling anyone) because I felt unsafe and needed to escape. 

Another time I fainted at university and woke up to several firefighters surrounding me. I became overwhelmed and aggressive (much to the surprise of the professionals trying to help me). 

These instances of my emotional brain taking over were usually followed by embarrassment and a realization that my reaction was inappropriate and over the top. Thus continuing my belief that I was crazy and forever mentally unstable. 

For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health and was in denial, vehemently avoiding my emotions and detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. I  felt hopeless that I would recover from my inner anguish and that my daughters were better off without me and my plethora of issues. Thus leading to an intentional overdose in February 2019.

Learning in Recovery

Afterwards in the hospital, the Psychiatrist assessing me explained that I acted the way I did due to unresolved trauma. He proceeded to tell me that trauma is any pattern of activating your stress response system that leads to a lasting emotional response long after the traumatic event has ended. 

Trauma changes your brain activity and neurobiology. The stuff that happens to you plays a role in who you are and how you behave – socially, emotionally, and physically. 

This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own behaviour. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it.

Once in rehab I learned a great deal about the impact of trauma. I was told that “You are not responsible for what happened to you but your recovery is your responsibility”.  Trauma is complex and healing would require a multifaceted approach. 

I became aware that I was living in hypervigilance, an elevated state of alertness.  My limbic system (emotional brain) was hyperactive and prone to respond more impulsively, called an Amygdala Hijack.   

With someone that has experienced trauma, stimuli can trigger overactivity in the amygdala (part of the limbic system that detects danger) and causes a sudden and intense emotional response that is an overreaction to the event (e.g. fear). This ‘hijacking’ occurs when the amygdala takes control and prepares the body for fight, flight, or freeze. 

The more the amygdala is used, it will continue to grow in density and is more likely to be triggered again in the future. This helped explain why I would often overreact to situations and not understand my intense reaction. Therefore, I needed to learn how to get out of autopilot by gaining control over my brain’s emotional reactions. 

I learned to take a pause when I felt my limbic system being activated. To return to the safety of the present moment, I developed skills that “ground” me in the present. These skills help to focus or reconnect me so that I begin to safely feel emotions without fight-or-flight response. Grounding skills are behaviours that distract and refocus you, so that you can safely cope. Essentially learning to tolerate distress instead of “acting out” and falling victim to emotions again. 

Another important aspect of my trauma recovery was learning the importance of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to rewire my logical brain to override my emotional brain. Through CBT training, the brain actually reinforces the neural pathways and they become stronger so it becomes increasingly easier to deal with stressful situations. I regularly practiced various healthy thinking patterns to reinforce and strengthen the paths in my brain and change my immediate responses.  

Additionally, during trauma treatment I was required to address ‘stuck points’ that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things. The traumatic event had a negative effect on my beliefs about myself, others, and the world in many areas, including my sense of safety, trust, power/control, esteem, intimacy, and more. By systematically working through each stuck point, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. 

In treatment I also learned the healing power of connecting. I was blessed to have been put in an all women trauma group and felt safe and secure as I worked through trauma. Being vulnerable and connecting with others was new to me as “trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection”  (Stephen Porges)

Recovering from trauma also required me to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did not cause what happened to me and I needed to free myself from that belief.  Developing self-compassion has been pivotal to my healing. By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds.

New Thinking

I am proof that recovery from trauma is possible. I am no longer a victim and have been freed from my past which once defined me. It has been a long and difficult journey but well worth it. I feel like I have a second chance at life. 

Being told that my behaviour and mental issues were due to unresolved trauma gave me hope that I could get well. For years I had tried to suppress what had happened but my subconscious would not forget and I was left with emotional residue from not addressing things. I can now see that I was, unknowingly, living in a state of Amygdala Hijack for over twenty years due to trauma. 

It took me multiple trips to rehab but I eventually came to know that things were not going to improve and I was not going to maintain sobriety or mental wellness until I faced and worked through what had happened to me; whether I wanted to or not. 

Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it. 

Recovery required a multifaceted approach in addition to diligence and dedication. I needed to address the unprocessed feelings of the incident and learn new skills. Fortunately neurobiology allows brain connections to be changed to create new pathways to health. Today I have learned to ground myself and no longer feel overtaken by emotions or perceived threats. 

I continue to work on challenging my unhealthy thinking patterns and am more comfortable facing unpleasant emotions and stressful situations. I no longer feel the need to avoid my emotions with alcohol or disordered eating. Sobriety has enabled me to see things more clearly and logically. 

Additionally, I am more trusting of men and no longer look at them under a cloud of suspicion. Furthermore by understanding the behavioral patterns behind trauma, I have increased my compassion and awareness as a teacher. 

Trauma can be caused by a big or small traumatic event: neglect, divorce, abuse, living in a war zone, bullying etc. The same event will be processed by people differently so may be traumatic to some and not others.  

Unresolved trauma will not go away. Trauma can make you more vulnerable to developing mental health problems (especially addiction) and negatively impact your well-being. 

I encourage you to talk to someone if you have been through trauma and not processed it. I experienced the healing and freeing power of sharing my secret as some things are too big of a burden to carry alone. 

It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life. I am excited for this new chapter in my life as overcoming trauma brings post-traumatic wisdom and growth. 

The sharing of your story is powerful so take what has happened to you and turn it into power.