“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” – Brené Brown

Old Thinking

By learning to heal from shame, I have been freed from hurt and gaslighting myself. For twenty years, shame and guilt marred my existence. I felt unworthy and unlovable. I have since realized that it was all in my head.

As a child, I was a people-pleaser by nature and did not want to disappoint others. That came at a cost as I put others’ needs above my own. I could easily be made to feel guilty and pressured into doing things. Much of my sense of self was contingent on how people viewed me and being a good girl. I would often feel guilty and badly about myself if I did not live up to my high standards. Therefore, feelings of shame started at an early age for me. 

The trauma of being sexually assaulted skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for two decades. As I tried to make sense of what had happened, I believed the cognitive bias which assumes that people get what they deserve. Such as: “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours for too long.

I wondered how I could be so stupid to put myself in the position for that to happen. I felt like I had brought on my sexual assault; a thought that plagued me for decades.  I felt that I was now damaged and unworthy. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly amplified my suffering. 

Slowly and unknowingly, my self-criticism and judgment had turned me against myself. Negative self-talk dominated, always minimizing my accomplishments and second-guessing my decisions, never allowing myself to enjoy achieving my goals. I believed all of my lies. 

To the point that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. Shame will motivate you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your flaws and unworthiness. 

This led to poor coping strategies to numb my uncomfortable feelings of self-loathing, such as disordered eating and substance abuse. After partaking in these destructive patterns, I would subsequently feel immense shame about my behaviour, and myself which would continue the cycle. 

When I first started dating my husband Craig, I carried a heaviness knowing that I had 2 shameful secrets, confident that he would break up with me once he found out. With great dread, I finally mustered up the courage to tell him. I confessed that I had long struggled with an eating disorder, and that I was sexually assaulted at age 15 and it still affected me. 

Craig was immediately supportive and reassured me that his feelings about me did not waiver. I, however, remember lying awake that night believing that he now thought less of me and I was not worthy of his love. 

Shame continued to fuel my dysfunctional behaviour for years, reaching a crisis when my daughters were two and four years old. I felt completely inadequate and inferior as a mother, riddled with mental illness, and believing that they (as well as my family) would be better off without me. Thus leading to an intentional overdose and the beginning of my path to recovery. 

Learned in Recovery

When I went to rehab I quickly saw how much guilt and shame perpetuated my mental illness. My feelings of shame had consumed me and kept me spiralling and disconnected from the world. 

One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown, has been pivotal in my understanding of shame. In her book Daring Greatly, she says: “I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort”.

She proceeds to define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”. In other words, guilt says “I did a bad or wrong thing” where shame says “I am bad or wrong”. 

Shame may be caused by many factors such as trauma or any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., social anxiety disorder or perfectionism) Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself can lead to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

Brown states that shame is not helpful or productive. Realistically, shame is more likely to perpetuate “destructive, hurtful behaviours” such as addiction and other mental illnesses. This hit the nail on the head for me and I began to see how much I was fuelling my own issues. 

I began to see that I was not a bad person, as shame had me believe; rather, I was sick and needed to take responsibility to get well. 

Additionally, learning how perfectionism played into guilt and shame was pivotal. Previously I struggled with all-or-nothing or thinking in extremes. I was either a success or a failure. My performance was perfect or terrible. I am fat or thin. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray at all. People who think in all-or-nothing terms may also act in equivalently extreme ways (anorexia, bulimia, and addiction for me) – becoming trapped in the avoidance strategies created to escape the pain.

That is what happened to me. I used to hide behind a facade of perfectionism to conceal my shame. I learned that I had been gaslighting myself. This is when you engage in self-blaming, self-shaming, or otherwise holding oneself responsible for painful or traumatic events. I had been telling myself a narrative about myself for nearly two decades that kept me disconnected (from myself and others) while keeping me trapped in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, negative self-talk, and maladaptive behaviours. 

Sadly, shame causes our attention to turn inward; isolating ourselves from our surroundings and withdrawing into closed-off self-absorption. Not only do we feel alienated from others but also from the healthy parts of ourselves.

It was only when I finally committed to work through my inner dialogue during intensive therapy that I was able to refute the lies that I had been telling myself. I was not a bad person. While I was not proud of some of my past behaviours, I came to realize that good people can make bad choices.

I now look back at my fifteen year-old self with love and compassion as opposed to shame, guilt and anger. I see that I was not at fault for what happened to me and I am no longer burdened by feelings of shame and guilt. I have embraced my past and am now writing a brave new ending to a story once thought hopeless. 

New Thinking

Healing my shame was probably one of the most difficult experiences in my recovery because it meant I had to open deep wounds and challenge deep seeded beliefs about myself. This inner work brought me face-to-face with the shame that was caused by the parts of myself I hated the most. I had to start healing the parts of myself that hurt the most. 

That being said, finding the courage to address my shame has enhanced my well-being and life in immeasurable ways. 

While my past has shaped me in various ways, it no longer defines me or weighs me down. I own my story and have the courage and motivation to write a new ending which includes growth, love, and motivation to help others. 

The maladaptive behaviours that once helped me hide are not useful to me anymore as I am no longer a victim to shame. I am sober and trying to live life on life’s terms. As a result, I feel calmer and connected to myself and others. I finally feel engaged and invested in life.

I am more aware of my language and how I speak to myself, my daughters, and others. While I may feel guilty about the way I behaved in a given situation, I am able to forgive myself and do not associate that with feelings of self-worth. I no longer allow shaming myself. 

Learning to challenge perfectionism has also been pivotal to my recovery. I catch myself if I am thinking in extremes and now look for more gray areas. It is not always this or that – there are plenty of possibilities in the middle. 

I do not feel as guilty about things anymore. Since I have learned to put up healthy boundaries, I am ok if others are disappointed with me. As long as my actions align with my own values then I will not be made to feel guilty about things.

Sometimes I catch myself stoking the fire again. Old thoughts and feelings will creep up and challenge my self-worth.  This is an opportunity for me to practice self-compassion and self-love as I remind myself that I am human and inherently worthy. 

If you feel riddled with shame, there are several ways to find healing.

First, acknowledging the difference between guilt and shame is integral. Accept responsibility for your mistake. Facing what you have done is the first step toward forgiving yourself but your self-worth must not be contingent on your wrongdoings.

Additionally, talk about your feelings. It can be really helpful to talk to someone else as a way to process your feelings. Sometimes just speaking aloud can help keep your thoughts in perspective. 

Be aware of your self-talk. Do you have black and white thinking? Are you too hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Remember that good people can make bad choices.

Also of importance is how you speak to others, especially children. The phrase “You should be ashamed of yourself” can be damaging as those words just may be taken to heart by little ears. Modeling self-compassion is a way to teach healthy processing of mistakes without shaming. 

Choosing strength over shame is empowering and sets a foundation for positive well-being and a life worth living. It is important to address shame as it will unequivocally bring you down and negatively impact your well-being. Remember that shame is a matter of self-perception so change your mindset to change your life.