Tag: Faith

Finding Recovery Through the Power of God

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling

For much of my life, I sought comfort in alcohol, food, and perfectionism. These were my solutions to uncomfortable emotions, pain, and fear. They promised relief but delivered chaos, shame, and despair. I repeated the same patterns for decades, expecting a different result—but true transformation only came when I surrendered to God.

Old Thinking

As a child, I struggled with intense emotions I didn’t know how to process. Food and perfectionism became ways to control my world, while alcohol later offered temporary confidence and escape. Addiction became my coping mechanism, even though it caused destruction in nearly every area of my life.

For years, I cycled through relapse, reckless behavior, and self-loathing. I hurt myself and others, but chaos became comfortable. When life felt hard, I escaped—immersing myself in alcohol, hiding behind perfection, or numbing myself in other ways. My coping strategies kept me from feeling, but they also kept me trapped.

Hitting Rock Bottom

The turning point came when I realized I was powerless over alcohol. I can’t fix my life on my own. My rock bottom was both terrifying and transformative. I faced the consequences of my actions. I truly surrendered for the first time.

It was in this surrender that I first felt God’s presence. Amid despair, a quiet peace settled over me, reminding me I was not alone. I began to understand that only a power greater than myself restore me to sanity. Alcoholics Anonymous calls this Step 2:

“We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”

For me, that Power is God.

Lessons Learned in Recovery

Recovery taught me that chaos was familiar, but calm was a gift from God. Avoidance strategies only deepened pain; facing life honestly brought freedom. I learned that to break the cycle, I had to do at least one thing differently. It was one step at a time. I was guided by faith.

Even after my spiritual awakening, the pull of addiction was strong. A week after my arrest, I found a way to drink one last time. The alcohol tasted revolting, and I felt disgusted with myself. That was my final drink, and five years later, I stay free from the chains of alcohol. It was God’s grace that gave me the strength to resist, and every day since has been a gift.

Even though I had surrendered and given up alcohol, I still wrestled with old struggles and temptations. I still loved Jesus but was occasionally drawn back to the dark side. Recovery was not about instant perfection. It was about the calmness and clarity. These came from surrendering to God and trusting Him with my life. That calmness became the foundation for true change.

God at the Center of My Recovery

Sobriety alone not have healed me. God addressed the root of my struggles, teaching me to face discomfort, process my emotions, and confront fear with faith. He replaced despair with hope, fear with faith, self-loathing with love, and chaos with purpose.

Through prayer, surrender, and community, I learned to let go of self-will and embrace His plan. Every meeting, every moment of reflection, and every small step forward became infused with His grace. Addiction had masked a deeper need for trust and connection—and only God fill that void.

Life After Surrender

Recovery is not instant or perfect. Life still presents challenges, but with God guiding me, I navigate discomfort with honesty, courage, and faith. Sobriety is no longer a battle against alcohol alone—it is a journey of spiritual growth.

  • Hope: Replacing despair with faith in God’s plan.
  • Calm: Learning to sit with difficult emotions instead of fleeing from them.
  • Strength: Trusting that God equips me for the challenges I face.
  • Purpose: Understanding that even past pain has shaped my path for good.
  • Love and Self-Worth: Embracing God’s love and seeing myself as He sees me.

Every day is a choice: to surrender, to stay vigilant, and to walk in faith. Addiction is relentless, but God’s presence is stronger. I have learned that when I turn to Him, I am never alone. The lies of fear lose their power.

The Promises of Sobriety

Sobriety is not the key to happiness—it is a step toward freedom. By giving up alcohol and other numbing behaviors, I have learned to live life fully and authentically. I feel calmer, more self-loving, and more connected to myself, others, and God.

“My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.”

Recovery requires persistence, courage, and humility. It’s about facing life on life’s terms, trusting God, and building a foundation of faith. The gifts of sobriety—clarity, peace, connection, and purpose—are abundant when we choose to surrender.

Through AA and the spiritual practice of handing over my will to God, I experienced self-transcendence. I discovered a sense of connection to something larger than myself. The parallels between spiritual growth and recovery became undeniable. God’s guidance transformed my mind, heart, and life. Community support was crucial. Consistent reflection also brought transformation.

Transformation Is Ongoing

Even now, I still face challenges, but I have learned to respond differently. I no longer run from discomfort or numb my feelings. Life is not always easy, but I now process emotions through prayer, reflection, and support. My faith reminds me that everything I face has a purpose, and God’s grace is constant.

Sobriety is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Every step I take is grounded in faith, humility, and gratitude. I no longer live in fear; instead, I move ahead with hope, guided by God’s wisdom and presence.

Conclusion

Addiction was never my true problem; fear was. My coping strategies once protected me, but they no longer serve me. Surrendering to God has freed me from the chains of my old life and transformed my heart.

Today, I am grateful for sobriety, guided by God, and committed to living authentically. My life is not perfect, but I have clarity, peace, and purpose. Through His grace, I can show up fully for my daughters, my community, and myself.

Sobriety is a gift, and faith in God is the foundation. Every step ahead is a step into His light, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, transformation is possible.

“Every day sober is a victory, and every moment surrendered to God is a step toward lasting freedom.”

God’s Grace in Recovery: Transforming Pain into Purpose

Recently I had the opportunity to speak at a Christian Women’s Retreat. When I told a Christian friend that I was asked to speak at the event, her response caught me off guard. She said that she was surprised that they have someone “like me” speaking. I pondered this comment afterwards and questioned my suitability for the event.

Suddenly my imperfections and sins seemed like disqualifiers and I felt inadequate. I opened my speech with this disclosure and admitted that my past is ugly and dark. However, I said, I now have a heart for God and surrendered my life to Him after a powerful Spiritual Awakening. The point is that we were all there glorifying God – no matter how we came to be a believer.

Thankfully the audience clapped and I heard many “Amens” which I interpreted as acceptance. I was incredibly nervous to speak but felt compelled to share my story of hope and how God saved my life. 

Where I Was: My Self-Will Run Riot

I struggled with my mental health from a young age and fell into addiction and an eating disorder to escape my inner anguish. Being sexually assaulted in my teenage years compounded my mental instability. Alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia helped to dull the pain of hopelessness, shame, and feelings of low self-worth. I believed all the lies I heard while in this dark place. My own self-will was running my life and caused tremendous chaos and poor choices. This continued for two decades and included several trips to rehab, psych wards, and jail. The dark side had a hold of me and fear was controlling my life. 

While in rehab, I attended countless 12-step meetings and had witnessed the success of the program. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that something greater than me was my only potential for recovery; however, I struggled to give up control of my life to a Higher Power so my downward spiral continued. 

In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halting stop when I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell and sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours just going over things in my head. I was hopeless that I would ever recover from addiction and other mental health issues. The decision was made that I was better off dead.

What Happened: How I Came to Know God

At some point during my ruminating and familiar thoughts of self-loathing in jail, I experienced clarity and calmness. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit for a long stretch of highway; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention.  

I recognized that this was a Spiritual Awakening and rock bottom that I desperately needed. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed; and I heard God speak to me. I knew that I needed His help and I was finally willing to give up control since my ways were clearly not working.

This change of heart put me on the path to recovery but I still had a long road ahead of me: facing the consequences of  my criminal charges and putting the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. However, I felt hopeful that I could recover and that was enough to keep the momentum going. Another miracle was that my obsession to drink had been removed. By the grace of God, I have not had alcohol since July 22, 2020.

The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. It was not just the absence of alcohol but also my willingness to be honest and connected to God that brought about significant changes. I saw the work ahead of me and no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation but had a newfound stillness and faith in my heart. 

When learning new habits, I was told that I cannot always trust my first thought as it is involuntary. Since you cannot control it, you are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and action. With time and practice, my immediate response became more aligned with God and my recovery goals as I was building new neural pathways in a healthier direction.

I was engaged with life in new ways and doing things to draw closer to God: Reading the bible, praying, and attending church. I was experiencing many positive changes and learning how to live a healthy life. 

Spiritual Warfare

In spite of that, the closer I wanted to get to God, the more Satan attacked me – preying on my weaknesses. I started to doubt my worthiness and my ability to recover. Anxiety and fear took hold of me again. While I abstained from alcohol, I resorted to other poor coping strategies: anorexia, bulimia, and marijuana use. The difference was that these behaviours no longer served the same purpose and I felt guilty and unsatisfied – God’s Spirit inside me was grieved. 

By allowing myself to be overcome by anxiety and fear, and subsequently taking back my control, this gave occasion to sin and I fell back into my old destructive ways. In choosing those behaviours, I was deciding to live independently of His will for me. I could not take my recovery for granted and I needed to maintain constant contact with God and continue to surrender (multiple times a day, if necessary) and put my trust in Him.

My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like Spiritual Warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding me lies to bring me down. They say that outside of an AA meeting, your addiction is waiting, doing push-ups in the parking lot; always waiting for you to be weak. 

Thankfully, I now recognize Satan’s strategies so I am better equipped for battle. I heard a quote that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war.” By becoming aware of my internal spiritual battles, I can better fight against Satan when he tries to keep me from God’s calling.

Where I Am Today: Life with God

The past four years have been hard work despite inviting God into my life. I still struggle with temptation, sin, and falling from grace. Fortunately, by taking it one day at a time, the days have added up and my relationship with God has grown. I have developed new ways of thinking and living so I respond to life differently. God has transformed me and enriched my life in countless ways. 

Faith

While I used to use alcohol and other poor coping skills to escape, I now take a pause when I feel overwhelmed and lean into God. I have faith that He will see me through anything; trusting that He will make a way even when a situation seems hopeless. 

I heard this quote and it is bang on: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels.” By praying and trusting God, I no longer have to struggle on my own.  I can trust that He is there for me, even in difficult times. 

Hope

Faith in God means that I have enduring hope. I now see that alcohol was never my problem – it was my solution. Fear was my problem. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe, or act on, everything I think. I am learning to allow hope and faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear.

Now when I feel fear, I know that I need to go to God and pray. As they say in AA: “Let Go and Let God”. By being willing to let go of my own self-will and surrendering to God, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart. That is the beauty of recovery and God’s grace. 

Purpose

I am starting to see myself in a different light and see God’s purpose for me. All my chaos, pain, and suffering was calculated and God knew what he was doing all along. I used to feel defined by shame and inadequacies. Now I understand that everything that I have encountered – even the awful things – have been part of my journey. Throughout Scripture, broken people are the vessels God chose to use for His redemptive plan. I feel the push from God to use my brokenness to connect with others. 

Speaking at the Women’s retreat encouraged me that my imperfections and sins did not disqualify me and I am more than enough to impact where I am right now. I received positive feedback from an abundance of ladies, thanking me for my vulnerability and inspiration. Based on several conversations I had afterwards, I can see that my testament was impactful in providing hope to others and glory to God.   

I am continuing to work on embracing God’s plan for me and discovering my divine assignment. I will keep praying that God will mature me, focus me, and equip me with the mindset needed to bring Him Glory. 

A Changed Heart

Today I have hope, faith, and purpose. I am grateful to feel transformed and have a second chance at life. I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. By surrendering and putting my trust in God, my life went from dark to light. He restored me to sanity and hope from addiction and hopelessness. He has shown me the errors of my faulty foundations and overthrown all the lies. I am rebuilding my foundation on rock. I am grateful for my struggles as they brought me to God who revealed my strengths. 

The road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. When you have hope and trust God, you will never be alone. If you are struggling with addiction or the pull of the dark side, there is hope. Find a 12-step meeting or find community support. Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone.  You are not beyond His reach and you can recover.

Choosing Faith Over Fear

“Be Strong. Be Brave. Be Fearless. You Are Never Alone”

Joshua 1:9. 

Old Thinking

Fear used to run my life, except the thing about fear is that it does not always look as you would expect. I did not feel fearful. Unbeknownst to me, fear was the driving force behind many of my dysfunctional behaviours. Recovery has shown me that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. 

I have long struggled with my mental health. Since I was a little girl, I experienced anxiety. A people-pleaser by nature, afraid of letting others down or exposing my true self. Fear told me that I was not cool or fun enough so I mostly stayed on the sidelines, too insecure to venture outside of my comfort zone. I hid behind perfectionism to conceal my emotions and found ways to relieve my discomfort. 

Starting high school was stressful for me as I felt like a little fish in a big sea. An intense fear of failure or being vulnerable kept me from getting involved in many social activities. I felt out of place and apprehensive – falling deeper into anorexia and bulimia. 

Alcohol entered my life around age 15 and was a game-changer as I realized that I had courage and confidence after drinking. I distinctly remember drinking to muster up the courage to talk to a boy that I liked and would not talk to sober. Drinking to manage social anxiety and boost my confidence soon became a regular routine for me over my subsequent twenty-year drinking career.  

At 15, I was sexually assaulted and my life overturned.  Afterwards I felt confused and did not know how to process what had happened. Shame quickly took over. Gas lighting causes one to not trust oneself. I wondered if I was even a good person. If I misread that situation then how can I believe that I know anything at all? Once again fear spoke the loudest and soon after, I attempted suicide. 

I refused to talk about or acknowledge what had happened and soon found myself in a very dark place where I stayed for nearly 20 years. The dark side capitalized on my mental state and fed me lies all the time: you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough. I believed all of it. That sent me further into depression, shame, guilt, despair, and hopelessness which continued the negative spiral.

Learned in Recovery

When I started my recovery, I quickly learned how much fear had been holding me back in life. Much of my behavior was driven by fear. I was afraid: to be vulnerable; to put myself out there; to take chances; to be myself; that I was not good enough, and more. Fear caused me to look for ways to escape and live life at a distance. 

It also became clear how much my past sexual assault trauma was affecting me. Without resolution, healing does not take place. Traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology, impacting how you react to situations.

Anxiety is irrational fear so I learned that the mix of my anxious personality in addition to  trauma kept me hypervigilant, in a constant state of fight-or-flight.  This frequently happened without conscious thought (called an “Amygdala Hijack”) as I had a hyperactive stress response to perceived threats.

Recovery from trauma is possible. I learned how to respond to such physiological responses in my body by recognizing when I need to ground myself again to reactivate my cognitive system. By doing so, I am now demonstrating greater control over my emotions and anxiety while decreasing my fear response. 

The 12-step program has also been transformative to me in understanding and overcoming fear. While in rehab, attending daily 12-step meetings (i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous) was mandatory as part of the treatment program. I learned about the strong connection between fear and addiction. Fear is a maladaptive behaviour that manifests as anxiety and often leads to poor coping skills, such as addiction. When we let ourselves be subconsciously driven by fear, we often end up suffering greatly.

I heard countless stories of how others found recovery through the 12-step program and I wanted the peace that they had achieved. The first step of the program is being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Step two is based on hope and the belief that only a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Step three is the process of faith and surrender. It asserts that a lifetime of recovery can only be achieved by making the decision to turn over your will to a higher being. 

I could admit that I was powerless but was perpetually stuck on steps 2 and 3; having hope and faith, respectively. Therefore, fear continued to get in my way and as much as I wanted to, I could not give up control and surrender. Not surprisingly, my chaos persisted and the dark side continued to pull me down. I believed all the lies that filled my head which perpetuated the cycle. 

Being charged with impaired driving in July 2020 was my final rock bottom and pivotal turning point in my life. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day, as things could have easily ended in a tragically-different way.

I could clearly see that I needed something bigger than myself to be restored to health. The third step requires turning your will and your life over to God. I was finally ready surrender and committed to doing whatever it took to get sober and well, since my ways were obviously  not working. 

It was a long process as I still struggled with an eating disorder. Despite that, giving up alcohol was a necessary first step to wellness. The Serenity Prayer seemed to be working through me as I now accepted the things that I could not change and felt courageous to change the things that I could. I felt a strong presence of God during this time.  Recovery did not happen overnight but by taking it one day at a time, the days started adding up and my faith grew. 

New Thinking

My life has been completely transformed as a result of experiencing a spiritual awakening. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed but miraculously, I was awakened to the grace of God and an obvious shift happened within me. 

Prior to knowing God, my life was chaotic. I was a victim of fear and used many different ways to escape: Alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism. I finally realized that the coping mechanisms that once protected me were no longer useful. 

By being willing to surrender and let go of my own self-will, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart as a result. This openness to relying on a power greater than myself has restored me to sanity and brought peace and calmness to my life. 

Today I am grateful to feel reborn and have a second chance at life. I have finally given up my control and put my trust in God’s plan. Life is not perfect and I still fall from grace but now I have developed new ways of thinking and living. 

A friend told me that: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels”. I used to be the girl that fought back but now I know to turn to God. 

I am learning to allow faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear. If I find myself overcome by anxiety and fear, I take a pause and turn to God to ask for strength. Let Go and Let God (as they say in the program). 

My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like spiritual warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding you lies to bring you down. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe everything I think. 

I love the words in the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle: “I keep fighting voices in my head that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up”. By the end of the song, Daigle describes laying all of her at His feet. This is a powerful song about overcoming all the lies we tell ourselves and a reminder to turn to God when we are weak because He is strong. 

If you do not recognize Satan’s strategies, it is hard to defeat them. But once you see them and hold them up to the light, they lose their power. And you can better equip yourself for battle. I can now recognize fear as the darkside pulling on me, without falling victim or resorting to old habits. As someone that has struggled for years, I was told something in rehab that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war”.

Consider how fear is affecting your own life. Perhaps you would benefit from surrendering in areas where you feel powerless. There is recovery from fear but you may need to surrender your own ways and have faith in a power greater than yourself.

Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. Stop hiding in fear and step out of the shadows.