“Be Strong. Be Brave. Be Fearless. You Are Never Alone”

Joshua 1:9. 

Old Thinking

Fear used to run my life, except the thing about fear is that it does not always look as you would expect. I did not feel fearful. Unbeknownst to me, fear was the driving force behind many of my dysfunctional behaviours. Recovery has shown me that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. 

I have long struggled with my mental health. Since I was a little girl, I experienced anxiety. A people-pleaser by nature, afraid of letting others down or exposing my true self. Fear told me that I was not cool or fun enough so I mostly stayed on the sidelines, too insecure to venture outside of my comfort zone. I hid behind perfectionism to conceal my emotions and found ways to relieve my discomfort. 

Starting high school was stressful for me as I felt like a little fish in a big sea. An intense fear of failure or being vulnerable kept me from getting involved in many social activities. I felt out of place and apprehensive – falling deeper into anorexia and bulimia. 

Alcohol entered my life around age 15 and was a game-changer as I realized that I had courage and confidence after drinking. I distinctly remember drinking to muster up the courage to talk to a boy that I liked and would not talk to sober. Drinking to manage social anxiety and boost my confidence soon became a regular routine for me over my subsequent twenty-year drinking career.  

At 15, I was sexually assaulted and my life overturned.  Afterwards I felt confused and did not know how to process what had happened. Shame quickly took over. Gas lighting causes one to not trust oneself. I wondered if I was even a good person. If I misread that situation then how can I believe that I know anything at all? Once again fear spoke the loudest and soon after, I attempted suicide. 

I refused to talk about or acknowledge what had happened and soon found myself in a very dark place where I stayed for nearly 20 years. The dark side capitalized on my mental state and fed me lies all the time: you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough. I believed all of it. That sent me further into depression, shame, guilt, despair, and hopelessness which continued the negative spiral.

Learned in Recovery

When I started my recovery, I quickly learned how much fear had been holding me back in life. Much of my behavior was driven by fear. I was afraid: to be vulnerable; to put myself out there; to take chances; to be myself; that I was not good enough, and more. Fear caused me to look for ways to escape and live life at a distance. 

It also became clear how much my past sexual assault trauma was affecting me. Without resolution, healing does not take place. Traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology, impacting how you react to situations.

Anxiety is irrational fear so I learned that the mix of my anxious personality in addition to  trauma kept me hypervigilant, in a constant state of fight-or-flight.  This frequently happened without conscious thought (called an “Amygdala Hijack”) as I had a hyperactive stress response to perceived threats.

Recovery from trauma is possible. I learned how to respond to such physiological responses in my body by recognizing when I need to ground myself again to reactivate my cognitive system. By doing so, I am now demonstrating greater control over my emotions and anxiety while decreasing my fear response. 

The 12-step program has also been transformative to me in understanding and overcoming fear. While in rehab, attending daily 12-step meetings (i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous) was mandatory as part of the treatment program. I learned about the strong connection between fear and addiction. Fear is a maladaptive behaviour that manifests as anxiety and often leads to poor coping skills, such as addiction. When we let ourselves be subconsciously driven by fear, we often end up suffering greatly.

I heard countless stories of how others found recovery through the 12-step program and I wanted the peace that they had achieved. The first step of the program is being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Step two is based on hope and the belief that only a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Step three is the process of faith and surrender. It asserts that a lifetime of recovery can only be achieved by making the decision to turn over your will to a higher being. 

I could admit that I was powerless but was perpetually stuck on steps 2 and 3; having hope and faith, respectively. Therefore, fear continued to get in my way and as much as I wanted to, I could not give up control and surrender. Not surprisingly, my chaos persisted and the dark side continued to pull me down. I believed all the lies that filled my head which perpetuated the cycle. 

Being charged with impaired driving in July 2020 was my final rock bottom and pivotal turning point in my life. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day, as things could have easily ended in a tragically-different way.

I could clearly see that I needed something bigger than myself to be restored to health. The third step requires turning your will and your life over to God. I was finally ready surrender and committed to doing whatever it took to get sober and well, since my ways were obviously  not working. 

It was a long process as I still struggled with an eating disorder. Despite that, giving up alcohol was a necessary first step to wellness. The Serenity Prayer seemed to be working through me as I now accepted the things that I could not change and felt courageous to change the things that I could. I felt a strong presence of God during this time.  Recovery did not happen overnight but by taking it one day at a time, the days started adding up and my faith grew. 

New Thinking

My life has been completely transformed as a result of experiencing a spiritual awakening. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed but miraculously, I was awakened to the grace of God and an obvious shift happened within me. 

Prior to knowing God, my life was chaotic. I was a victim of fear and used many different ways to escape: Alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism. I finally realized that the coping mechanisms that once protected me were no longer useful. 

By being willing to surrender and let go of my own self-will, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart as a result. This openness to relying on a power greater than myself has restored me to sanity and brought peace and calmness to my life. 

Today I am grateful to feel reborn and have a second chance at life. I have finally given up my control and put my trust in God’s plan. Life is not perfect and I still fall from grace but now I have developed new ways of thinking and living. 

A friend told me that: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels”. I used to be the girl that fought back but now I know to turn to God. 

I am learning to allow faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear. If I find myself overcome by anxiety and fear, I take a pause and turn to God to ask for strength. Let Go and Let God (as they say in the program). 

My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like spiritual warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding you lies to bring you down. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe everything I think. 

I love the words in the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle: “I keep fighting voices in my head that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up”. By the end of the song, Daigle describes laying all of her at His feet. This is a powerful song about overcoming all the lies we tell ourselves and a reminder to turn to God when we are weak because He is strong. 

If you do not recognize Satan’s strategies, it is hard to defeat them. But once you see them and hold them up to the light, they lose their power. And you can better equip yourself for battle. I can now recognize fear as the darkside pulling on me, without falling victim or resorting to old habits. As someone that has struggled for years, I was told something in rehab that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war”.

Consider how fear is affecting your own life. Perhaps you would benefit from surrendering in areas where you feel powerless. There is recovery from fear but you may need to surrender your own ways and have faith in a power greater than yourself.

Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. Stop hiding in fear and step out of the shadows.