Category: Uncategorized

Finding Recovery Through the Power of God

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” – J.K. Rowling

For much of my life, I sought comfort in alcohol, food, and perfectionism. These were my solutions to uncomfortable emotions, pain, and fear. They promised relief but delivered chaos, shame, and despair. I repeated the same patterns for decades, expecting a different result—but true transformation only came when I surrendered to God.

Old Thinking

As a child, I struggled with intense emotions I didn’t know how to process. Food and perfectionism became ways to control my world, while alcohol later offered temporary confidence and escape. Addiction became my coping mechanism, even though it caused destruction in nearly every area of my life.

For years, I cycled through relapse, reckless behavior, and self-loathing. I hurt myself and others, but chaos became comfortable. When life felt hard, I escaped—immersing myself in alcohol, hiding behind perfection, or numbing myself in other ways. My coping strategies kept me from feeling, but they also kept me trapped.

Hitting Rock Bottom

The turning point came when I realized I was powerless over alcohol. I can’t fix my life on my own. My rock bottom was both terrifying and transformative. I faced the consequences of my actions. I truly surrendered for the first time.

It was in this surrender that I first felt God’s presence. Amid despair, a quiet peace settled over me, reminding me I was not alone. I began to understand that only a power greater than myself restore me to sanity. Alcoholics Anonymous calls this Step 2:

“We came to be aware that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”

For me, that Power is God.

Lessons Learned in Recovery

Recovery taught me that chaos was familiar, but calm was a gift from God. Avoidance strategies only deepened pain; facing life honestly brought freedom. I learned that to break the cycle, I had to do at least one thing differently. It was one step at a time. I was guided by faith.

Even after my spiritual awakening, the pull of addiction was strong. A week after my arrest, I found a way to drink one last time. The alcohol tasted revolting, and I felt disgusted with myself. That was my final drink, and five years later, I stay free from the chains of alcohol. It was God’s grace that gave me the strength to resist, and every day since has been a gift.

Even though I had surrendered and given up alcohol, I still wrestled with old struggles and temptations. I still loved Jesus but was occasionally drawn back to the dark side. Recovery was not about instant perfection. It was about the calmness and clarity. These came from surrendering to God and trusting Him with my life. That calmness became the foundation for true change.

God at the Center of My Recovery

Sobriety alone not have healed me. God addressed the root of my struggles, teaching me to face discomfort, process my emotions, and confront fear with faith. He replaced despair with hope, fear with faith, self-loathing with love, and chaos with purpose.

Through prayer, surrender, and community, I learned to let go of self-will and embrace His plan. Every meeting, every moment of reflection, and every small step forward became infused with His grace. Addiction had masked a deeper need for trust and connection—and only God fill that void.

Life After Surrender

Recovery is not instant or perfect. Life still presents challenges, but with God guiding me, I navigate discomfort with honesty, courage, and faith. Sobriety is no longer a battle against alcohol alone—it is a journey of spiritual growth.

  • Hope: Replacing despair with faith in God’s plan.
  • Calm: Learning to sit with difficult emotions instead of fleeing from them.
  • Strength: Trusting that God equips me for the challenges I face.
  • Purpose: Understanding that even past pain has shaped my path for good.
  • Love and Self-Worth: Embracing God’s love and seeing myself as He sees me.

Every day is a choice: to surrender, to stay vigilant, and to walk in faith. Addiction is relentless, but God’s presence is stronger. I have learned that when I turn to Him, I am never alone. The lies of fear lose their power.

The Promises of Sobriety

Sobriety is not the key to happiness—it is a step toward freedom. By giving up alcohol and other numbing behaviors, I have learned to live life fully and authentically. I feel calmer, more self-loving, and more connected to myself, others, and God.

“My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.”

Recovery requires persistence, courage, and humility. It’s about facing life on life’s terms, trusting God, and building a foundation of faith. The gifts of sobriety—clarity, peace, connection, and purpose—are abundant when we choose to surrender.

Through AA and the spiritual practice of handing over my will to God, I experienced self-transcendence. I discovered a sense of connection to something larger than myself. The parallels between spiritual growth and recovery became undeniable. God’s guidance transformed my mind, heart, and life. Community support was crucial. Consistent reflection also brought transformation.

Transformation Is Ongoing

Even now, I still face challenges, but I have learned to respond differently. I no longer run from discomfort or numb my feelings. Life is not always easy, but I now process emotions through prayer, reflection, and support. My faith reminds me that everything I face has a purpose, and God’s grace is constant.

Sobriety is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Every step I take is grounded in faith, humility, and gratitude. I no longer live in fear; instead, I move ahead with hope, guided by God’s wisdom and presence.

Conclusion

Addiction was never my true problem; fear was. My coping strategies once protected me, but they no longer serve me. Surrendering to God has freed me from the chains of my old life and transformed my heart.

Today, I am grateful for sobriety, guided by God, and committed to living authentically. My life is not perfect, but I have clarity, peace, and purpose. Through His grace, I can show up fully for my daughters, my community, and myself.

Sobriety is a gift, and faith in God is the foundation. Every step ahead is a step into His light, a reminder that even in our darkest moments, transformation is possible.

“Every day sober is a victory, and every moment surrendered to God is a step toward lasting freedom.”

World Mental Health Day: Breaking the Stigma and Finding Hope

Today is World Mental Health Day, a time to raise awareness, break stigma, and remind ourselves that mental health matters. For many, struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, or addiction can quietly shape choices, relationships, and self-perception. They steal peace, joy, and freedom—often without anyone knowing.

In recent years, as I began my recovery journey, I fully realized the impact of mental health on my life. Recovery gave me a new way to live—a healthier, more grounded way. Through therapy and support, I’ve learned to confront what I had avoided for so long. I’ve discovered that healing is possible. Sharing that journey can also help others feel less alone.

Early Signs

Mental health struggles often start subtly. Anxiety, perfectionism, and the drive to “fine” are common ways we cope. These coping mechanisms can hide deeper pain, making it easy to operate on the surface while feeling disconnected inside.

Trauma, stress, or unaddressed challenges can intensify these struggles, leading to habits that temporarily numb or escape pain. Left unchecked, these patterns can impact relationships, work, and self-worth.

Choosing Recovery

Recovery begins with acknowledgment. At some point, I realized I couldn’t keep running or numbing the pain. Recovery isn’t quick or linear. It can be challenging and humbling, but it is possible.

Therapy, community support, and self-reflection became the tools that helped me rebuild my life. I stopped running and started facing my emotions. Healing isn’t about erasing pain—it’s about understanding it, developing healthier coping skills, and taking intentional steps toward growth.

Living in Healing

Healing transforms both mind and heart. Life isn’t perfect, but it is more peaceful. Clarity replaces confusion, and self-awareness grows as we develop healthier patterns.

Many of us aren’t taught how to manage emotional pain. Learning to name emotions, ask for help, and build resilience is crucial. By embedding these lessons in our relationships and communities, we can help others navigate silent battles.

Recovery is a partnership between effort and support. Support networks, therapy, and self-care offer tools and encouragement to navigate life’s challenges. With time and commitment, healing becomes sustainable.

A Lifelong Journey

Mental health recovery is ongoing. There are still difficult days when anxiety, fear, or old habits surface. The difference now is having tools, boundaries, and support. Pausing, seeking help, reflecting, and practicing self-care are ways to navigate challenges instead of running from them.

Recovery isn’t about forgetting the past—it’s about transforming it. Pain becomes perspective, scars become testimony, and struggles become sources of empathy and strength. Every step ahead, no matter how small, is progress.

Why World Mental Health Day Matters

World Mental Health Day reminds us that mental health struggles are human, not shameful. It is a day to speak openly about depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction. The day aims to offer hope to those who are suffering in silence.

Help is available, whether through therapy, rehabilitation, support networks, or simply admitting, “I’m not okay.” Recognizing the need for help is the first step toward freedom and peace.

A Message of Hope

This World Mental Health Day, take a moment to check in with yourself. Reach out to someone you trust. Speak honestly about your feelings. And if you can, extend understanding and compassion to others.

Mental health struggles do not define your worth. Healing is possible. Even when it feels impossible, there is hope. Through recovery, support, and self-awareness, lives can be restored, joy can return, and peace can be found

Breaking Free from Alcohol: The Beauty of Recovery and Transformation

Today I celebrate five years without alcohol—a milestone that once seemed impossible. My life used to be dominated by drinking, a destructive force that touched every part of who I was. Alcohol had me in a choke hold for over two decades. But through surrender, faith, and hard work, I broke free. This is the beauty of recovery: not just quitting alcohol, but rediscovering life, purpose, and peace.

I share this because someone out there can feel hopeless, stuck in addiction, unsure if change is possible. I want you to know it is. I am living proof.

Trapped in Alcohol Addiction

I took my first drink at 15—crème de menthe, stolen from my parents’ liquor cabinet. It wasn’t the taste that hooked me. It was the feeling: a numbing calm. I felt a temporary confidence I couldn’t find in myself. I was anxious, awkward, always trying to control things through perfectionism, but alcohol gave me a shortcut to relief. It quickly became my go-to solution for any discomfort.

In high school, alcohol had become a regular escape. It helped boost my confidence in social situations and forget my worries. Over the years, that need deepened. Every success in life came with a growing dependency on alcohol. Graduating university, building a teaching career, getting married, and becoming a mother were all accompanied by this dependency. Outwardly, I looked like I had it together. Privately, I was sinking.

I chased control in every area of my life: work, family, appearance—but alcohol was the one thing I couldn’t control. I told myself I wasn’t “that bad” because I wasn’t drinking daily or because I still held a job. But the truth was, when I drank, I lost control, every single time. My drinking episodes led to blackouts, bad decisions, and shame. And the cycle would start all over again.

Rehab, therapy, and hospital stays punctuated my life, yet nothing seemed to stick. I’d leave treatment programs with good intentions but return to drinking within weeks, sometimes days. Deep down, I wasn’t ready to let go of alcohol because I was terrified of facing life without it.

The Wake-Up Call

In July 2020, my recklessness caught up with me in the most sobering way. I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I spent hours in a cold, stark jail cell, hugging my knees and replaying every failure, every regret. I felt worthless—not just as a mother, wife, or daughter, but as a human being.

I was certain that my life was over. The shame was suffocating. Suicide, a thought that had crossed my mind before, now felt like an escape route I couldn’t dismiss.

But in that dark cell, something unexpected happened: a wave of calm and clarity washed over me. Despite my high blood alcohol level, no one was hurt that night. No collision, no casualties. That was nothing short of a miracle. It was as if God Himself had intervened.

That moment became my spiritual awakening. I felt an undeniable presence, a protection that I couldn’t ignore. It was clear: I’d been given another chance—not just to stay alive, but to truly live differently. I thanked God for sparing lives that night, including my own. I knew I couldn’t keep living the same way.

One Last Pull from Addiction

Yet addiction doesn’t let go easily. Just a week after my arrest, I caved one last time. I hitchhiked with a partially broken ankle just to get alcohol. I drank alone in a public washroom, staring at my reflection in disgust. The drink tasted bitter, empty. It didn’t offer relief—it only deepened my self-loathing.

That was my last drink. Five years ago today, I walked away from alcohol for good. All by the grace of God.

Embracing Surrender: The Path to Freedom

Sobriety, I’ve learned, isn’t just about willpower—it’s about surrender. It’s about admitting that alcohol had beaten me and that I couldn’t out-think, out-run, or out-control it on my own. I began working the 12 steps of recovery. These steps taught me that fear, not alcohol, had always been the root of my struggles. Fear of pain, of vulnerability, of not being enough.

Through faith, community, and consistent work, I found freedom. Fear no longer controls me. I’m not shackled by the need to numb or escape. And for the first time, I am truly here in my own life.

It’s not like quitting alcohol fixed everything overnight. I still had mental health struggles to face and healing to do. But giving up alcohol was the essential first step.

As my sobriety continued, my mind cleared. I began to see that my pain wasn’t meaningless—it was shaping me for a greater purpose. I thought of the Butterfly Effect: every event, even the painful ones, led me here. Without my exact past, I wouldn’t have my daughters. That truth gave me peace. 

Living with Purpose

I stopped running from my story. I started sharing it—not to glorify the darkness. I want to shine a light for others who are still lost in it. Life isn’t perfect. I still hear whispers of self-doubt. Now I recognize them as lies. Loved ones can point that out to me. I’ve learned to stay vigilant, knowing that the enemy waits for moments of weakness.

What’s different today is that I don’t walk alone. Each day, I think, pray, and surrender. I trust that my path is unfolding just as it should. I share my life with others, but most importantly, I have God. Every hardship I faced prepared me to help others still battling addiction.

Recovery has also made me a better teacher, mother, and friend. I show up with more compassion, patience, and presence because I’ve faced my own darkness. I understand struggle, and I can extend grace to others who are hurting. That’s a gift I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gotten sober.

My Identity Today

Today, I am a strong, sober woman still learning and growing. Recovery isn’t a destination—it’s a daily commitment. I fight my battles differently now. I don’t rely on stubbornness or control; I kneel in prayer and choose surrender over pride. I am continuing to learn to choose courage over fear. 

If you’re struggling with addiction or shame, please hear this: you are not too far gone. Recovery is possible. It’s not easy—change never is—but it’s worth every step, no matter how small. As the saying goes, “Tiptoe if you must, but take the step.”

The Risk of Telling My Story

As a teacher, I’ve been warned not to share too much for fear of judgment. I know that stigma still exists around addiction, especially for professionals like me. But I’m not ashamed. In fact, I’m proud of my recovery. It takes courage to face your demons and build a new life.

I refuse to let fear of judgment silence my story. My testimony is the very thing that gives someone else hope. If my honesty helps just one person believe that recovery is possible, then every risk is worth it.

The Beauty of Recovery

Five years without alcohol is more than an anniversary. It’s a testament to grace. It’s also a testament to the power of surrender. It signifies the beauty of new beginnings. Recovery has given me a life I never imagined possible. I’m no longer hiding behind the bottle. I’m living, fully and freely.

If you are where I once was—lost, ashamed, drowning in addiction—know this: you are not alone. Your story isn’t over. There is hope. There is freedom. And there is a beautiful life waiting on the other side of surrender.

Navigating Recovery: Overcoming Setbacks and Finding Strength

“Mrs. Leslie, why are you lying on the floor?” asked a curious Kindergarten student. 

“I don’t know,” I replied. Suddenly the reality of being on the ground hit me as I realized that I had fainted at school. “Go tell the teacher,” I said to the two young students who were now standing beside me. 

“Okay,” they said and walked towards my classroom.

“Actually” I started to say, “It’s okay, I’ll get up.” As I began to stand up, I felt increasingly light-headed again. 

“Okay, bye,” said the boy as he skipped to the hallway. 

“I’m going to tell an adult,” said the girl, and off she went to tell the teacher. 

Moments later my Principal was sitting on the floor beside me. The guilt and shame hit me. I was embarrassed and would not look her in the eye. To top it off, my parents were called to pick me up from my school. 

During the Christmas holidays, I fell back into some old habits. Unbeknownst to loved ones, I veered off track from my recovery. It was the fourth day back from the break and I knew that was why I had fainted. 

I afterward took a few days off work to refocus and regroup. I did not want my setback to take me down a dark path of full blown eating disorder (ED) again. I needed to get back on my recovery path. 

I had an extensive discussion with my counselor. It helped me unpack what happened and why I had became unraveled after doing relatively well over the past few months. She instructed me to have compassion with myself as I had obviously struggled to manage how things were going. As a result, I resorted to old habits by default. 

Anorexia and bulimia have provided me with a (false and misleading) sense of control. This happens when things have felt out of my control. Somehow restricting my food intake or fixating on food and exercise distracts me from my everyday challenges. It seems illogical when I think about it in a healthier mindset. But it feels perfectly logical when I am stuck in ED mode.

My current focus needs to be what I can do moving ahead to resume a healthy course. Reflecting on my own behaviour will help me become more attuned to signs of distress. This awareness can help prevent exposure to triggers and future mishaps. 

I am grateful for and committed to continuing my recovery. That being said, dang it is difficult and exhausting sometimes. I have learned a great deal about the road to recovery and how difficult it can be. 

Recovery is not linear

I felt down and discouraged after fainting. Then, I was reminded of how far I have come since committing to getting well. I have fallen back into negative habits after a period of improvement. Still, I am not the broken girl that I used to be. 

My recovery journey began in February 2019 after hitting a rock bottom and mental health crisis. I began my mental health journey to face substance abuse, anorexia, bulimia, and trauma. This included two trips to residential rehab. I have not had alcohol since July 2020 after a DUI charge and spiritual awakening. (Read my other blog posts to learn more about my story). 

My father reminded me that I have more self-awareness and identified my setback early and am taking action. My tolerance for maladaptive behaviour is lower before taking action to handle any setbacks. Yet, in the past, I would have little regard for my bad habits as they were part of my normal. Each time I have a reset, I am getting stronger, wiser, and quicker at rebooting my recovery habits. 

Now six years into it, I know firsthand that recovery is not smooth sailing. The road to recovery often includes a series of setbacks. It also has periods of progress. Each misstep can be an opportunity to learn and grow. Setbacks are part of the process. 

Recovery is a journey to say the least. It is messy, rewarding, and exhausting. Things will not always go in a linear direction. This means it does not progress smoothly from one stage to the next. In spite of that, two steps ahead, one step back is still movement in the right direction. 

Recovery means recreating your identity

Recovery has given me an identity crisis. I am in this uncomfortable transformation. My old self is gone but my new self is not fully born yet. I feel like I am an impostor in two worlds. Where do I fit in? 

Inner turmoil and struggles have defined my identity for decades. Chaos has felt comfortable and familiar to me. Hiding behind facades like perfectionism hid my true self. Avoiding vulnerability kept others at a distance. 

Creating a new identity is an important part of recovery. If not struggling then who am I? I am no longer in the thick of my struggles so do not connect with that anymore. Yet I am not quite the healthy, stable woman that I aspire to be. 

After being sexually assaulted at age 15, my emotional growth was stunted. In many ways I am much like a teenager learning how to navigate life. Everything feels like unfamiliar territory. I am this new person interacting with the world so differently. 

I am rebuilding a new identity that reflects me, and not just my mental health issues. I openly share about my struggles and self-recognize as in recovery. That’s not all that I am. Nor is it all that I want to be. Recovery has given me an opportunity to explore new interests, set goals, and create a new narrative for myself. 

Struggling with feelings of inadequacy or inferiority in my relationships is still common for me. I often feel like my mental health struggles are shortcomings and a burden to others. I am navigating my transformation. With the birth of the new me, I am grateful for the support and encouragement of my family and friends. I look ahead to finding my purpose and growing into the woman that God has destined me to be. 

Recovery is more than just removing bad habits

Looking for happiness in all the wrong ways is something that I have done for too long. For twenty years, I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, parenthood, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued; thus perpetuating my mental illness.

I initially went to rehab with the goal of overcoming substance abuse. I also aimed to tackle disordered eating and trauma recovery. In doing so I expected that my problems would disappear and I would be happy. I have since learned that those vices were not my problem, they were my solution. My problems remained. Except now I needed to deal with them sober and in new, healthier ways. 

Recovery requires looking at the underlying reasons behind the negative behavior and working to address them. Without dealing with the root issues, I am merely “white-knuckling” it and will continue to relapse into old habits. I must stick with my recovery plan or else old stimuli will yield the same results.

Recovery involves actively developing new, healthy routines and habits to replace the old destructive ones. The brain can be rewired by repeatedly making the right choices to strengthen those new neural pathways. The more you practice a new behavior, the easier and more natural it becomes. The brain will disconnect the paths that are no longer used.

Not to be forgotten is the importance of social support in recovery. Building positive relationships and a supportive network is a vital part of recovery. I am grateful for the people that are also in recovery plus those rooting for me at the sidelines. 

Relapsing exemplifies that recovery is going beyond simply stopping negative behavior and involves making consistent lifestyle choices. Looking back, I can see that in the busyness of life this fall, I did not focus on my recovery. This oversight caused me to lose momentum and unknowingly fall backwards. 

Summary

I feel fed up with the thoughts holding my mind captive. This feeling intensifies especially when others in the world are sick, dying, and grieving. People are going through divorces, depression, or unemployment. All while I am fighting with food and eating. It feels selfish. I have to remember that mental health disorders are medical conditions. They can affect a person’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and perceptions. Knowing this, I am trying to be compassionate with myself.

To overcome my challenges, I am doing my best to try again and get back up after falling. The old me was based in secrecy and isolation. The new version is trying to do better by being open and honest. I am not where I want to be but I will continue working towards that. 

Recovery is a lifelong journey, requiring ongoing commitment and adjustments. I will continue to fight the good fight. I am committed to recovery and overcoming my challenges. Recovery takes consistent, constant work and habit formation to keep yourself growing. I am also thankful for the people in my life that continue to support and encourage me. 

I aim to find lasting ways to achieve happiness and fulfillment. I also want to engage with my life after being disconnected from it for too long. I wish it was easier. Yet I am grateful for my recovery. I will continue to push at it. I will grow into the person that God has destined me to be. 

For anyone still struggling, know that the road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. You will have ups and downs, progress, and setbacks. Two steps ahead, one step back is still progress despite setbacks. Just keep moving onward. You can do it!

God’s Grace in Recovery: Transforming Pain into Purpose

Recently I had the opportunity to speak at a Christian Women’s Retreat. When I told a Christian friend that I was asked to speak at the event, her response caught me off guard. She said that she was surprised that they have someone “like me” speaking. I pondered this comment afterwards and questioned my suitability for the event.

Suddenly my imperfections and sins seemed like disqualifiers and I felt inadequate. I opened my speech with this disclosure and admitted that my past is ugly and dark. However, I said, I now have a heart for God and surrendered my life to Him after a powerful Spiritual Awakening. The point is that we were all there glorifying God – no matter how we came to be a believer.

Thankfully the audience clapped and I heard many “Amens” which I interpreted as acceptance. I was incredibly nervous to speak but felt compelled to share my story of hope and how God saved my life. 

Where I Was: My Self-Will Run Riot

I struggled with my mental health from a young age and fell into addiction and an eating disorder to escape my inner anguish. Being sexually assaulted in my teenage years compounded my mental instability. Alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia helped to dull the pain of hopelessness, shame, and feelings of low self-worth. I believed all the lies I heard while in this dark place. My own self-will was running my life and caused tremendous chaos and poor choices. This continued for two decades and included several trips to rehab, psych wards, and jail. The dark side had a hold of me and fear was controlling my life. 

While in rehab, I attended countless 12-step meetings and had witnessed the success of the program. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that something greater than me was my only potential for recovery; however, I struggled to give up control of my life to a Higher Power so my downward spiral continued. 

In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halting stop when I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell and sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours just going over things in my head. I was hopeless that I would ever recover from addiction and other mental health issues. The decision was made that I was better off dead.

What Happened: How I Came to Know God

At some point during my ruminating and familiar thoughts of self-loathing in jail, I experienced clarity and calmness. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit for a long stretch of highway; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention.  

I recognized that this was a Spiritual Awakening and rock bottom that I desperately needed. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed; and I heard God speak to me. I knew that I needed His help and I was finally willing to give up control since my ways were clearly not working.

This change of heart put me on the path to recovery but I still had a long road ahead of me: facing the consequences of  my criminal charges and putting the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. However, I felt hopeful that I could recover and that was enough to keep the momentum going. Another miracle was that my obsession to drink had been removed. By the grace of God, I have not had alcohol since July 22, 2020.

The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. It was not just the absence of alcohol but also my willingness to be honest and connected to God that brought about significant changes. I saw the work ahead of me and no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation but had a newfound stillness and faith in my heart. 

When learning new habits, I was told that I cannot always trust my first thought as it is involuntary. Since you cannot control it, you are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and action. With time and practice, my immediate response became more aligned with God and my recovery goals as I was building new neural pathways in a healthier direction.

I was engaged with life in new ways and doing things to draw closer to God: Reading the bible, praying, and attending church. I was experiencing many positive changes and learning how to live a healthy life. 

Spiritual Warfare

In spite of that, the closer I wanted to get to God, the more Satan attacked me – preying on my weaknesses. I started to doubt my worthiness and my ability to recover. Anxiety and fear took hold of me again. While I abstained from alcohol, I resorted to other poor coping strategies: anorexia, bulimia, and marijuana use. The difference was that these behaviours no longer served the same purpose and I felt guilty and unsatisfied – God’s Spirit inside me was grieved. 

By allowing myself to be overcome by anxiety and fear, and subsequently taking back my control, this gave occasion to sin and I fell back into my old destructive ways. In choosing those behaviours, I was deciding to live independently of His will for me. I could not take my recovery for granted and I needed to maintain constant contact with God and continue to surrender (multiple times a day, if necessary) and put my trust in Him.

My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like Spiritual Warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding me lies to bring me down. They say that outside of an AA meeting, your addiction is waiting, doing push-ups in the parking lot; always waiting for you to be weak. 

Thankfully, I now recognize Satan’s strategies so I am better equipped for battle. I heard a quote that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war.” By becoming aware of my internal spiritual battles, I can better fight against Satan when he tries to keep me from God’s calling.

Where I Am Today: Life with God

The past four years have been hard work despite inviting God into my life. I still struggle with temptation, sin, and falling from grace. Fortunately, by taking it one day at a time, the days have added up and my relationship with God has grown. I have developed new ways of thinking and living so I respond to life differently. God has transformed me and enriched my life in countless ways. 

Faith

While I used to use alcohol and other poor coping skills to escape, I now take a pause when I feel overwhelmed and lean into God. I have faith that He will see me through anything; trusting that He will make a way even when a situation seems hopeless. 

I heard this quote and it is bang on: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels.” By praying and trusting God, I no longer have to struggle on my own.  I can trust that He is there for me, even in difficult times. 

Hope

Faith in God means that I have enduring hope. I now see that alcohol was never my problem – it was my solution. Fear was my problem. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe, or act on, everything I think. I am learning to allow hope and faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear.

Now when I feel fear, I know that I need to go to God and pray. As they say in AA: “Let Go and Let God”. By being willing to let go of my own self-will and surrendering to God, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart. That is the beauty of recovery and God’s grace. 

Purpose

I am starting to see myself in a different light and see God’s purpose for me. All my chaos, pain, and suffering was calculated and God knew what he was doing all along. I used to feel defined by shame and inadequacies. Now I understand that everything that I have encountered – even the awful things – have been part of my journey. Throughout Scripture, broken people are the vessels God chose to use for His redemptive plan. I feel the push from God to use my brokenness to connect with others. 

Speaking at the Women’s retreat encouraged me that my imperfections and sins did not disqualify me and I am more than enough to impact where I am right now. I received positive feedback from an abundance of ladies, thanking me for my vulnerability and inspiration. Based on several conversations I had afterwards, I can see that my testament was impactful in providing hope to others and glory to God.   

I am continuing to work on embracing God’s plan for me and discovering my divine assignment. I will keep praying that God will mature me, focus me, and equip me with the mindset needed to bring Him Glory. 

A Changed Heart

Today I have hope, faith, and purpose. I am grateful to feel transformed and have a second chance at life. I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. By surrendering and putting my trust in God, my life went from dark to light. He restored me to sanity and hope from addiction and hopelessness. He has shown me the errors of my faulty foundations and overthrown all the lies. I am rebuilding my foundation on rock. I am grateful for my struggles as they brought me to God who revealed my strengths. 

The road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. When you have hope and trust God, you will never be alone. If you are struggling with addiction or the pull of the dark side, there is hope. Find a 12-step meeting or find community support. Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone.  You are not beyond His reach and you can recover.

Are Sexual Predators Born That Way Or Does Society Create Them? A Look At Rape Culture And Consent

“This is rape culture – this tendency for good men, the kind of men who say they’re outraged by rape, to repeatedly ignore and maybe even support the behaviors that excuse rape.”

— Patty Blount

May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so the topic has been on my mind. I got thinking about last summer when I was asked to speak to a women’s group about my recovery journey and was approached by an emotional woman afterwards. She was visibly distraught and waited patiently to talk with me amidst the line of others. When it was her turn, she immediately blurted out: “How can I prevent THAT from happening to my daughters?” With an emphasis on the word ‘that’, clearly referring to sexual assault. I was taken aback by her intensity and bluntness.

I suddenly felt like I needed to calm this woman and provide her with some reassurance. As a mom to two daughters myself, I can appreciate her anxiety but this was out of my realm. I was only there to share my story and have no professional expertise. However, this lady was determined that I say something – her eyes burning a hole through me. 

I told her that I did not have the answer and encouraged her to raise strong girls that listened to their intuition. (Not a great answer at all but guilt from not trusting my own gut haunted me for years). 

Looking back, I wish that I had more time to get on my soapbox and scream from the rooftops that it is not up to girls to prevent sexual assault from happening to them but it boils down to men respecting consent.

The topic angers me, particularly after experiencing my own sexual assault which derailed my life; and now being a mother to two daughters. Plus I am angry on behalf of countless other women that have been sexually assaulted.

Approximately 4.7 million women – or 30% of all women aged 15 and older – have been sexually assaulted outside of an intimate relationship at least once since age 15 (Statistics Canada, 2019). 

In over half (52%) of sexual assault incidents, the perpetrator was a friend, acquaintance, or neighbour of the victim. These statistics are revolting and something needs to change. 

Since becoming open about my own sexual assault and seeing how much damage the trauma did to my mental health, I am driven to brave the conversation and talk about sexual assault. I have much to say about the subject but with few answers.

If that much sexual assault is happening yet the conviction rate is so low, those men are living among us. Monsters among us. I look around with skepticism as I wonder who the sexual deviants may be. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, lying in wait for their unsuspecting victim. 

How are so many men capable of sexual violence? Do they set out to sexual assault or is it a crime of opportunity? 

Years ago I had a conversation about sexual assault with a police officer and he was adamant that “rapists are born rapists” and no amount of precautions will prevent one from being victimized. Our conversation quickly turned into a heated debate with no resolution. I was shocked to hear a police officer hold this opinion – undermining the importance of teaching men not to rape and putting the sole responsibility on women to protect themselves. His viewpoints left me spiraling, causing me to question my own convictions.

I could not shake his cynical point of view nor did I want to believe it.  I believe in educating young men. I believe that sexual assaults can be prevented and that rapists are not born rapists. Am I wrong? Delusional?

Rape Culture

Perhaps it is a slippery slope as a result of rape culture? Whether you realize it or not, rape culture is deeply embedded in our language and social norms. 

Rape culture is a term used to show the ways in which society blame victims of sexual assault and normalizes sexual violence. Unfortunately, the normalization of rape culture is prevalent and many people perpetuate rape culture simply by tolerating it and not doing anything to stop it. 

Some examples of normalizing rape culture:

  • Comments such as: “boys will be boys” or “men are just pigs”  
  • Victim shaming (i.e. “what was she wearing?”)
  • Defending rapists (i.e. “he didn’t know that she wasn’t into it”)
  • Rape jokes (i.e. “he got raped by his wife in the divorce”)
  • Sexist attitudes
  • Locker room banter
  • School dress codes – archaic with double standards
  • Unequal pay
  • Music that degrades women or victims (i.e. “you know you want it”)
  • Sexual assault education often focusing on women being told to take measures to ensure they are not raped as opposed to men being told not to rape.

These examples will not cause rape alone. However it’s a hierarchy of progression from normalization (bottom tier) to degradation to physical violence (top tier). The attitudes and actions from normalization and acceptance of bottom tiers reinforce and excuse those behaviours higher up – thus perpetuating rape culture.

Society must change for rape culture to change. One person at a time, let’s start the conversation. Rape culture does not outwardly promote rape and maybe you would not personally rape someone. But by participating in the normalization of it (above examples) and not stopping it, you are maintaining the culture of sexual violence in society.

Brave the conversation. Shut down the comments. Refuse to participate. Educate others. Stand up for the victim. One conversation at a time we can change the culture and prevent further violence. 

Consent

Also let’s talk more openly about consent.  If you have a son, do not shy away from this topic! Consent rules in Canada states that the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. You need to actively seek consent! 

The person initiating sexual activity needs to take reasonable steps to establish consent. If you are unsure, stop and ask: “Is this okay?”

Recognize nonverbal signs of refusal such as:

  • Avoiding eye contact
  • Crying
  • Pushing away
  • Shaking head no
  • Silence
  • Not being responsive
  • If someone doesn’t give you consent for sexual activity, STOP!

The law and consent:

  • You have the right to withdraw consent at any time during sexual activity
  • Even if you’ve consented to start a sexual act with someone, you have the right to stop it at any time.
  • Consenting to one kind of sexual activity does not automatically mean consenting to another.
  • If you don’t want to do something, you have the right to say, “STOP!”

As a high school health and physical education teacher, my husband emphasizes the importance of consent with his male teenage students.  Ensuring that these young men understand that the absence of no does not equal yes. He reiterates that enthusiastic consent is necessary. 

Reporting

Furthermore, did you know that sexual assault is among the crimes which are least likely to be reported to the police? Studies found that an estimated 78% of sexual assaults were not reported (according to Canada’s Department of Justice).

Victims do not report incidents of sexual assault for various reasons. While we cannot influence some of those reasons, we, as society, can improve by creating a culture where victims feel safe and validated to report their sexual assault, without fear of: victim-shaming, not being believed, ridicule or belittlement. 

By not reporting sexual assaults, the same perpetrators are left free to reassault or victimize others. This has repeatedly been shown in the media where multiple sexual allegations are made against the same perpetrator often only after another victim has come forward and often years later. 

In addition to underreporting, sexual assault victims are also less likely to seek professional help or speak to others about their experience. Not dealing with trauma may lead to increased psychological pain such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and much more. 

If you have been sexually assaulted, I encourage you to seek professional help to work through your trauma. Trauma affects your mind and body so treatment or therapy can help you reconnect with yourself to feel whole again. Recovering from trauma takes intentional hard work but is well worth it and feeling inner peace again is possible.

Coming from a survivor that has recently worked through my own past trauma after years of inner pain, it’s sad to think of how many victims still live with trauma weighing heavy on their heart and I hope to inspire others to seek recovery.

Be courageous and have awkward conversations with your children. Sexual violence is an uncomfortable subject but by encouraging open dialogue about the topic, we can help stop the silence and suffering of victims and prevent further assaults. I dream of a world for our daughters where men respect women as equals and there is an end to sexual violence.

“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly despite the fear”

-Atticus

If you have been sexually assaulted, call 911 if you are in immediate danger. 

Or check online for your local Sexual Assault Centres, Crisis Lines, And Support Services.

In Ontario, check out the Ontario Coalition of
Rape Crisis Centres (OCRCC):

Ontario-wide Support

Assaulted Women’s Helpline:
1-866-863-0511

Kids Help Phone:
1-800-668-6868

Talk4Healing, for Indigenous women:
1-855-554-HEAL

Male Survivors of Sexual Violence:
1-866-887-0015

Giving Up Shame & Gaslighting Myself

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” – Brené Brown

Old Thinking

By learning to heal from shame, I have been freed from hurt and gaslighting myself. For twenty years, shame and guilt marred my existence. I felt unworthy and unlovable. I have since realized that it was all in my head.

As a child, I was a people-pleaser by nature and did not want to disappoint others. That came at a cost as I put others’ needs above my own. I could easily be made to feel guilty and pressured into doing things. Much of my sense of self was contingent on how people viewed me and being a good girl. I would often feel guilty and badly about myself if I did not live up to my high standards. Therefore, feelings of shame started at an early age for me. 

The trauma of being sexually assaulted skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for two decades. As I tried to make sense of what had happened, I believed the cognitive bias which assumes that people get what they deserve. Such as: “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours for too long.

I wondered how I could be so stupid to put myself in the position for that to happen. I felt like I had brought on my sexual assault; a thought that plagued me for decades.  I felt that I was now damaged and unworthy. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly amplified my suffering. 

Slowly and unknowingly, my self-criticism and judgment had turned me against myself. Negative self-talk dominated, always minimizing my accomplishments and second-guessing my decisions, never allowing myself to enjoy achieving my goals. I believed all of my lies. 

To the point that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. Shame will motivate you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your flaws and unworthiness. 

This led to poor coping strategies to numb my uncomfortable feelings of self-loathing, such as disordered eating and substance abuse. After partaking in these destructive patterns, I would subsequently feel immense shame about my behaviour, and myself which would continue the cycle. 

When I first started dating my husband Craig, I carried a heaviness knowing that I had 2 shameful secrets, confident that he would break up with me once he found out. With great dread, I finally mustered up the courage to tell him. I confessed that I had long struggled with an eating disorder, and that I was sexually assaulted at age 15 and it still affected me. 

Craig was immediately supportive and reassured me that his feelings about me did not waiver. I, however, remember lying awake that night believing that he now thought less of me and I was not worthy of his love. 

Shame continued to fuel my dysfunctional behaviour for years, reaching a crisis when my daughters were two and four years old. I felt completely inadequate and inferior as a mother, riddled with mental illness, and believing that they (as well as my family) would be better off without me. Thus leading to an intentional overdose and the beginning of my path to recovery. 

Learned in Recovery

When I went to rehab I quickly saw how much guilt and shame perpetuated my mental illness. My feelings of shame had consumed me and kept me spiralling and disconnected from the world. 

One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown, has been pivotal in my understanding of shame. In her book Daring Greatly, she says: “I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort”.

She proceeds to define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection”. In other words, guilt says “I did a bad or wrong thing” where shame says “I am bad or wrong”. 

Shame may be caused by many factors such as trauma or any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., social anxiety disorder or perfectionism) Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself can lead to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

Brown states that shame is not helpful or productive. Realistically, shame is more likely to perpetuate “destructive, hurtful behaviours” such as addiction and other mental illnesses. This hit the nail on the head for me and I began to see how much I was fuelling my own issues. 

I began to see that I was not a bad person, as shame had me believe; rather, I was sick and needed to take responsibility to get well. 

Additionally, learning how perfectionism played into guilt and shame was pivotal. Previously I struggled with all-or-nothing or thinking in extremes. I was either a success or a failure. My performance was perfect or terrible. I am fat or thin. This binary way of thinking does not account for shades of gray at all. People who think in all-or-nothing terms may also act in equivalently extreme ways (anorexia, bulimia, and addiction for me) – becoming trapped in the avoidance strategies created to escape the pain.

That is what happened to me. I used to hide behind a facade of perfectionism to conceal my shame. I learned that I had been gaslighting myself. This is when you engage in self-blaming, self-shaming, or otherwise holding oneself responsible for painful or traumatic events. I had been telling myself a narrative about myself for nearly two decades that kept me disconnected (from myself and others) while keeping me trapped in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, negative self-talk, and maladaptive behaviours. 

Sadly, shame causes our attention to turn inward; isolating ourselves from our surroundings and withdrawing into closed-off self-absorption. Not only do we feel alienated from others but also from the healthy parts of ourselves.

It was only when I finally committed to work through my inner dialogue during intensive therapy that I was able to refute the lies that I had been telling myself. I was not a bad person. While I was not proud of some of my past behaviours, I came to realize that good people can make bad choices.

I now look back at my fifteen year-old self with love and compassion as opposed to shame, guilt and anger. I see that I was not at fault for what happened to me and I am no longer burdened by feelings of shame and guilt. I have embraced my past and am now writing a brave new ending to a story once thought hopeless. 

New Thinking

Healing my shame was probably one of the most difficult experiences in my recovery because it meant I had to open deep wounds and challenge deep seeded beliefs about myself. This inner work brought me face-to-face with the shame that was caused by the parts of myself I hated the most. I had to start healing the parts of myself that hurt the most. 

That being said, finding the courage to address my shame has enhanced my well-being and life in immeasurable ways. 

While my past has shaped me in various ways, it no longer defines me or weighs me down. I own my story and have the courage and motivation to write a new ending which includes growth, love, and motivation to help others. 

The maladaptive behaviours that once helped me hide are not useful to me anymore as I am no longer a victim to shame. I am sober and trying to live life on life’s terms. As a result, I feel calmer and connected to myself and others. I finally feel engaged and invested in life.

I am more aware of my language and how I speak to myself, my daughters, and others. While I may feel guilty about the way I behaved in a given situation, I am able to forgive myself and do not associate that with feelings of self-worth. I no longer allow shaming myself. 

Learning to challenge perfectionism has also been pivotal to my recovery. I catch myself if I am thinking in extremes and now look for more gray areas. It is not always this or that – there are plenty of possibilities in the middle. 

I do not feel as guilty about things anymore. Since I have learned to put up healthy boundaries, I am ok if others are disappointed with me. As long as my actions align with my own values then I will not be made to feel guilty about things.

Sometimes I catch myself stoking the fire again. Old thoughts and feelings will creep up and challenge my self-worth.  This is an opportunity for me to practice self-compassion and self-love as I remind myself that I am human and inherently worthy. 

If you feel riddled with shame, there are several ways to find healing.

First, acknowledging the difference between guilt and shame is integral. Accept responsibility for your mistake. Facing what you have done is the first step toward forgiving yourself but your self-worth must not be contingent on your wrongdoings.

Additionally, talk about your feelings. It can be really helpful to talk to someone else as a way to process your feelings. Sometimes just speaking aloud can help keep your thoughts in perspective. 

Be aware of your self-talk. Do you have black and white thinking? Are you too hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Remember that good people can make bad choices.

Also of importance is how you speak to others, especially children. The phrase “You should be ashamed of yourself” can be damaging as those words just may be taken to heart by little ears. Modeling self-compassion is a way to teach healthy processing of mistakes without shaming. 

Choosing strength over shame is empowering and sets a foundation for positive well-being and a life worth living. It is important to address shame as it will unequivocally bring you down and negatively impact your well-being. Remember that shame is a matter of self-perception so change your mindset to change your life.

The Liberation of Overcoming Trauma

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to be.

– Carl Jung

Old Thinking

Learning to overcome my trauma has been the most difficult aspect of my recovery. It has also been incredibly liberating as I have released myself from the chains of my past. Trauma changed me but it no longer controls me. 

Being sexually assaulted at age 15 had an immediate life-changing and damaging effect on my life. I was left feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and disconnected from life. I was not developmentally able to process what had happened and despair quickly took hold, causing me to attempt suicide shortly afterwards.

I subsequently remained hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks, then returned to high school like everything was normal – hiding behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; unable to deal with my emotions. I was traumatized and unaware how much this incident would control me over the next twenty years.

I continued to struggle with my mental health throughout university and eventually ended up going to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. When counselors pushed me to talk about my past sexual trauma, I panicked and dropped out of the treatment program early. Consequently, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor. 

Unbeknownst to me, trauma was affecting my life in multiple ways beyond being in denial. I carried around substantial shame about what had happened which perpetuated my dysfunctional coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse and disordered eating. My life was consistently full of drama as my emotions were running the show. I was anxious, irrational, and overreactive. I was also depressed and disengaged with life, lacking meaningful connections to others largely due to trust issues and a fear of vulnerability. The light of who I was had dimmed to near darkness.

There were countless times that I could not understand why I acted the way I did. I could not articulate my needs or override my emotional brain when it was triggered, causing over-activity and over-reactivity (e.g. fight/flight/freeze response). Men were a strong trigger for me. 

For instance, one time I was intimidated by a guy at a bar so I abruptly left the bar (without telling anyone) because I felt unsafe and needed to escape. 

Another time I fainted at university and woke up to several firefighters surrounding me. I became overwhelmed and aggressive (much to the surprise of the professionals trying to help me). 

These instances of my emotional brain taking over were usually followed by embarrassment and a realization that my reaction was inappropriate and over the top. Thus continuing my belief that I was crazy and forever mentally unstable. 

For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health and was in denial, vehemently avoiding my emotions and detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. I  felt hopeless that I would recover from my inner anguish and that my daughters were better off without me and my plethora of issues. Thus leading to an intentional overdose in February 2019.

Learning in Recovery

Afterwards in the hospital, the Psychiatrist assessing me explained that I acted the way I did due to unresolved trauma. He proceeded to tell me that trauma is any pattern of activating your stress response system that leads to a lasting emotional response long after the traumatic event has ended. 

Trauma changes your brain activity and neurobiology. The stuff that happens to you plays a role in who you are and how you behave – socially, emotionally, and physically. 

This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own behaviour. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it.

Once in rehab I learned a great deal about the impact of trauma. I was told that “You are not responsible for what happened to you but your recovery is your responsibility”.  Trauma is complex and healing would require a multifaceted approach. 

I became aware that I was living in hypervigilance, an elevated state of alertness.  My limbic system (emotional brain) was hyperactive and prone to respond more impulsively, called an Amygdala Hijack.   

With someone that has experienced trauma, stimuli can trigger overactivity in the amygdala (part of the limbic system that detects danger) and causes a sudden and intense emotional response that is an overreaction to the event (e.g. fear). This ‘hijacking’ occurs when the amygdala takes control and prepares the body for fight, flight, or freeze. 

The more the amygdala is used, it will continue to grow in density and is more likely to be triggered again in the future. This helped explain why I would often overreact to situations and not understand my intense reaction. Therefore, I needed to learn how to get out of autopilot by gaining control over my brain’s emotional reactions. 

I learned to take a pause when I felt my limbic system being activated. To return to the safety of the present moment, I developed skills that “ground” me in the present. These skills help to focus or reconnect me so that I begin to safely feel emotions without fight-or-flight response. Grounding skills are behaviours that distract and refocus you, so that you can safely cope. Essentially learning to tolerate distress instead of “acting out” and falling victim to emotions again. 

Another important aspect of my trauma recovery was learning the importance of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to rewire my logical brain to override my emotional brain. Through CBT training, the brain actually reinforces the neural pathways and they become stronger so it becomes increasingly easier to deal with stressful situations. I regularly practiced various healthy thinking patterns to reinforce and strengthen the paths in my brain and change my immediate responses.  

Additionally, during trauma treatment I was required to address ‘stuck points’ that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things. The traumatic event had a negative effect on my beliefs about myself, others, and the world in many areas, including my sense of safety, trust, power/control, esteem, intimacy, and more. By systematically working through each stuck point, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. 

In treatment I also learned the healing power of connecting. I was blessed to have been put in an all women trauma group and felt safe and secure as I worked through trauma. Being vulnerable and connecting with others was new to me as “trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection”  (Stephen Porges)

Recovering from trauma also required me to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did not cause what happened to me and I needed to free myself from that belief.  Developing self-compassion has been pivotal to my healing. By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds.

New Thinking

I am proof that recovery from trauma is possible. I am no longer a victim and have been freed from my past which once defined me. It has been a long and difficult journey but well worth it. I feel like I have a second chance at life. 

Being told that my behaviour and mental issues were due to unresolved trauma gave me hope that I could get well. For years I had tried to suppress what had happened but my subconscious would not forget and I was left with emotional residue from not addressing things. I can now see that I was, unknowingly, living in a state of Amygdala Hijack for over twenty years due to trauma. 

It took me multiple trips to rehab but I eventually came to know that things were not going to improve and I was not going to maintain sobriety or mental wellness until I faced and worked through what had happened to me; whether I wanted to or not. 

Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it. 

Recovery required a multifaceted approach in addition to diligence and dedication. I needed to address the unprocessed feelings of the incident and learn new skills. Fortunately neurobiology allows brain connections to be changed to create new pathways to health. Today I have learned to ground myself and no longer feel overtaken by emotions or perceived threats. 

I continue to work on challenging my unhealthy thinking patterns and am more comfortable facing unpleasant emotions and stressful situations. I no longer feel the need to avoid my emotions with alcohol or disordered eating. Sobriety has enabled me to see things more clearly and logically. 

Additionally, I am more trusting of men and no longer look at them under a cloud of suspicion. Furthermore by understanding the behavioral patterns behind trauma, I have increased my compassion and awareness as a teacher. 

Trauma can be caused by a big or small traumatic event: neglect, divorce, abuse, living in a war zone, bullying etc. The same event will be processed by people differently so may be traumatic to some and not others.  

Unresolved trauma will not go away. Trauma can make you more vulnerable to developing mental health problems (especially addiction) and negatively impact your well-being. 

I encourage you to talk to someone if you have been through trauma and not processed it. I experienced the healing and freeing power of sharing my secret as some things are too big of a burden to carry alone. 

It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life. I am excited for this new chapter in my life as overcoming trauma brings post-traumatic wisdom and growth. 

The sharing of your story is powerful so take what has happened to you and turn it into power.

Change Your Mindset to Change Your Life

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” 

Henry Ford

Old Thinking

Changing my mindset was integral to my recovery as my old thoughts kept me stuck spiraling in mental illness. It was not until I both believed that I was capable of  recovery and was willing to put in the effort that healing began.

I used to have a fixed mindset and figured that I would always be troubled and screwed up. From a young age, I experienced anxiety and developed maladaptive coping strategies to deal with it. An eating disorder became an early refuge to find a sense of control; as well as hiding behind perfectionism to conceal my true self. 

I thought that my poor mental health was permanent. As I doubted that things would improve, my dysfunctional crutches were perpetuated and I fell deeper into depression, addiction, and disordered eating patterns. Thus fueling the belief that I would not recover and on went the downward spiral. 

Being resigned to this destiny caused feelings of hopelessness and resulted in me thinking that suicide was the only possibility to escape my inner anguish. It was not until I was being evaluated in hospital after an intentional overdose five years ago that the seed was planted that recovery was within my grasp. 

I was told that I acted the way I did not because I was crazy but because I had unresolved trauma that was affecting all areas of my life. By working through what had happened to me, I could begin to resolve some of my issues. I was interested in doing so and supported the idea that I go to rehab again. However, I quickly learned that being there is not enough to recover.

Looking back, when I went to rehab it was as if I thought that simply being there would cure me (like recovery osmosis) as my beliefs and actions did not always align with recovery. Sometimes I felt confident that I would recover but was resistant to changing my actions. Other times I was willing to make changes but I did not believe in myself to recover. In both scenarios, progress was not made and I fell back into old habits. 

I continued to struggle with the maladaptive behaviours that were causing me to stay stuck in the chaos. My underlying thought was that recovery was improbable as it was too painful and too much work.  I wondered, a little hopelessly, what would save me if not multiple jaunts to treatment. 

The answer would not come to me for a while yet until I could coordinate both my mindset and actions which proved difficult in the face of adversity. 

Learned in Recovery

When I went to rehab the second time, I struggled to make any real progress (much like the first time). I wanted to get well but I was reluctant to be vulnerable and step outside of my comfort zone which hindered me. My mindset was not where it needed to be to make lasting changes. 

I was threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up and put the work into recovery. I agreed to try but kept falling back into old habits and thought patterns. One of the doctors finally asked me if I believed that I could change; a seemingly obvious answer to me as I had advocated to be there. 

He proceeded to speak to the importance of mindset in moving past my mental health struggles. I needed to switch from a fixed to a growth mindset and believe that I had the ability to recover.  A fixed mindset is how much you believe your basic qualities are fixed or permanent. A growth mindset is how much you believe your basic qualities can be changed or developed, such as being able to recover. 

Many people with mental health issues have a fixed mindset and believe that they will “never recover” as they have tried everything and cannot get well. A growth mindset believes that recovery is possible. Step two of The 12-Step Program, speaks to the power of ‘yet’ in recovery: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. 

While you may not be where you want to be, you believe that recovery is eventually possible. A fixed mindset is not open to restoration and recovery; whereas, a growth mindset is open to another option (leading to step 3). 

I was motivated to learn that we (those struggling with mental health) have the ability to take steps to improve ourselves in any area, if we are willing to put in the effort. We are not confined to our current states of mind. 

That being said, recovery is a process and your brain will naturally look for the path of least resistance (old familiar habits). Fortunately, neuroplasticity allows us to create new neural pathways by changing our response. Repeated actions will yield results and will eventually become more automatic.

While learning new habits, I was told that you cannot always trust your first thought as it is involuntary. Since you cannot control it, you are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and action. With time and practice, your immediate response will be more aligned with your recovery goals as you build new neural pathways in a healthier direction.

Visualization has also been an important aspect of changing my mindset. It allowed me to focus on what matters most and helped motivate me and build my confidence. I used visualization to keep a mental picture of the women that I wanted to become and then took steps to become that person. Visualization required me to be present and promoted a growth mindset as I made positive changes and inched towards my vision.

A powerful book about mindset that I read in rehab was entitled “Mindset: How You Can Fulfill Your Potential” by Carol Dweck. According to Dweck, decades of research on achievement and success led to the conclusion:  “Our mindset is the basis of accomplishment”. By switching your mindset, you increase your likelihood of success in all walks of life. That’s a powerful conclusion filled with possibility.

New Thinking

Being committed to improving my mental health has required an intentional shift of mindset and willingness to do what it takes to recover. I now understand that if I want to change a behavior or habit, it is within my abilities to do so, if I believe I can, and put in the effort. 

Adopting a growth mindset has been significant to my well-being and trusting that change is within my control. Everyone is capable of recovery but they have to believe that they can. As Henry Ford wisely said: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.” 

As a teacher, this speaks to the importance of teaching a growth mindset in the classroom and helping students to reframe their own thinking. “Believe you can and you’re halfway there” as stated by Theodore Roosevelt. I love teaching this to children as it is empowering for them to see that they have some control of their circumstances by shifting their mentality.  

The Power of Yet is such a powerful message to teach children. As Dweck discussed, the terminology ‘Not Yet’  gives the illusion of a learning curve where you are on a pathway into the future; rather than stupid or incapable. It shows children that their abilities can be developed  and they can get smarter, overtime and with effort. It also demonstrates the impact of effort and difficulty. 

Visualization has also been a powerful tool for my recovery. I kept a mental image of the woman that I wanted to be long before I was able to be her. My decisions were based on the end goal and I took steps to work towards making that happen. “When you visualize, then you materialize” (Denis Waitley). It has taken tremendous hard work and perseverance but I am well on my way to being the healthy woman that I once imagined. 

Neuroplasticity allows recovery to happen. Repeated new behaviours will create new brain pathways. As the new positive habit is continually repeated, the new pathway strengthens through neuroplasticity.

As I have learned, you cannot do nothing and expect recovery to happen (Spoiler: recovery osmosis is not a thing). Believe me that just going to rehab, hoping, praying, or wearing your lucky undies will not bring about change. The success of any treatment plan hinges upon being both ready and willing to change. Recovery is a long and difficult journey and will not happen overnight but it is well worth it. 

Remember that you cannot stand on the shovel and pray for a hole. You need to pick up the shovel and take the action steps. Commit fully to your goal and take steps towards your goal. 

Change can be scary, particularly when it means challenging your ways of doing things. You are bound to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But trust me when I say that change is also liberating and you just might surprise yourself by how strong you really are.

Take small steps to change your mindset. Embrace the power of “yet”; focus on growth over achievement; frame failure as opportunities to learn; and use visualization to put what you want at the forefront of your consciousness.

Choosing Faith Over Fear

“Be Strong. Be Brave. Be Fearless. You Are Never Alone”

Joshua 1:9. 

Old Thinking

Fear used to run my life, except the thing about fear is that it does not always look as you would expect. I did not feel fearful. Unbeknownst to me, fear was the driving force behind many of my dysfunctional behaviours. Recovery has shown me that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. 

I have long struggled with my mental health. Since I was a little girl, I experienced anxiety. A people-pleaser by nature, afraid of letting others down or exposing my true self. Fear told me that I was not cool or fun enough so I mostly stayed on the sidelines, too insecure to venture outside of my comfort zone. I hid behind perfectionism to conceal my emotions and found ways to relieve my discomfort. 

Starting high school was stressful for me as I felt like a little fish in a big sea. An intense fear of failure or being vulnerable kept me from getting involved in many social activities. I felt out of place and apprehensive – falling deeper into anorexia and bulimia. 

Alcohol entered my life around age 15 and was a game-changer as I realized that I had courage and confidence after drinking. I distinctly remember drinking to muster up the courage to talk to a boy that I liked and would not talk to sober. Drinking to manage social anxiety and boost my confidence soon became a regular routine for me over my subsequent twenty-year drinking career.  

At 15, I was sexually assaulted and my life overturned.  Afterwards I felt confused and did not know how to process what had happened. Shame quickly took over. Gas lighting causes one to not trust oneself. I wondered if I was even a good person. If I misread that situation then how can I believe that I know anything at all? Once again fear spoke the loudest and soon after, I attempted suicide. 

I refused to talk about or acknowledge what had happened and soon found myself in a very dark place where I stayed for nearly 20 years. The dark side capitalized on my mental state and fed me lies all the time: you are not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, successful enough. I believed all of it. That sent me further into depression, shame, guilt, despair, and hopelessness which continued the negative spiral.

Learned in Recovery

When I started my recovery, I quickly learned how much fear had been holding me back in life. Much of my behavior was driven by fear. I was afraid: to be vulnerable; to put myself out there; to take chances; to be myself; that I was not good enough, and more. Fear caused me to look for ways to escape and live life at a distance. 

It also became clear how much my past sexual assault trauma was affecting me. Without resolution, healing does not take place. Traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology, impacting how you react to situations.

Anxiety is irrational fear so I learned that the mix of my anxious personality in addition to  trauma kept me hypervigilant, in a constant state of fight-or-flight.  This frequently happened without conscious thought (called an “Amygdala Hijack”) as I had a hyperactive stress response to perceived threats.

Recovery from trauma is possible. I learned how to respond to such physiological responses in my body by recognizing when I need to ground myself again to reactivate my cognitive system. By doing so, I am now demonstrating greater control over my emotions and anxiety while decreasing my fear response. 

The 12-step program has also been transformative to me in understanding and overcoming fear. While in rehab, attending daily 12-step meetings (i.e. Alcoholics Anonymous) was mandatory as part of the treatment program. I learned about the strong connection between fear and addiction. Fear is a maladaptive behaviour that manifests as anxiety and often leads to poor coping skills, such as addiction. When we let ourselves be subconsciously driven by fear, we often end up suffering greatly.

I heard countless stories of how others found recovery through the 12-step program and I wanted the peace that they had achieved. The first step of the program is being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable. Step two is based on hope and the belief that only a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. Step three is the process of faith and surrender. It asserts that a lifetime of recovery can only be achieved by making the decision to turn over your will to a higher being. 

I could admit that I was powerless but was perpetually stuck on steps 2 and 3; having hope and faith, respectively. Therefore, fear continued to get in my way and as much as I wanted to, I could not give up control and surrender. Not surprisingly, my chaos persisted and the dark side continued to pull me down. I believed all the lies that filled my head which perpetuated the cycle. 

Being charged with impaired driving in July 2020 was my final rock bottom and pivotal turning point in my life. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day, as things could have easily ended in a tragically-different way.

I could clearly see that I needed something bigger than myself to be restored to health. The third step requires turning your will and your life over to God. I was finally ready surrender and committed to doing whatever it took to get sober and well, since my ways were obviously  not working. 

It was a long process as I still struggled with an eating disorder. Despite that, giving up alcohol was a necessary first step to wellness. The Serenity Prayer seemed to be working through me as I now accepted the things that I could not change and felt courageous to change the things that I could. I felt a strong presence of God during this time.  Recovery did not happen overnight but by taking it one day at a time, the days started adding up and my faith grew. 

New Thinking

My life has been completely transformed as a result of experiencing a spiritual awakening. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed but miraculously, I was awakened to the grace of God and an obvious shift happened within me. 

Prior to knowing God, my life was chaotic. I was a victim of fear and used many different ways to escape: Alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism. I finally realized that the coping mechanisms that once protected me were no longer useful. 

By being willing to surrender and let go of my own self-will, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart as a result. This openness to relying on a power greater than myself has restored me to sanity and brought peace and calmness to my life. 

Today I am grateful to feel reborn and have a second chance at life. I have finally given up my control and put my trust in God’s plan. Life is not perfect and I still fall from grace but now I have developed new ways of thinking and living. 

A friend told me that: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels”. I used to be the girl that fought back but now I know to turn to God. 

I am learning to allow faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear. If I find myself overcome by anxiety and fear, I take a pause and turn to God to ask for strength. Let Go and Let God (as they say in the program). 

My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like spiritual warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding you lies to bring you down. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe everything I think. 

I love the words in the song “You Say” by Lauren Daigle: “I keep fighting voices in my head that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up”. By the end of the song, Daigle describes laying all of her at His feet. This is a powerful song about overcoming all the lies we tell ourselves and a reminder to turn to God when we are weak because He is strong. 

If you do not recognize Satan’s strategies, it is hard to defeat them. But once you see them and hold them up to the light, they lose their power. And you can better equip yourself for battle. I can now recognize fear as the darkside pulling on me, without falling victim or resorting to old habits. As someone that has struggled for years, I was told something in rehab that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war”.

Consider how fear is affecting your own life. Perhaps you would benefit from surrendering in areas where you feel powerless. There is recovery from fear but you may need to surrender your own ways and have faith in a power greater than yourself.

Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. Stop hiding in fear and step out of the shadows.

Radical Acceptance: Living Life on Life’s Terms

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr

Old Thinking

Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm. 

From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control. 

In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.

Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability. 

In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating. 

During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction. 

The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues. 

As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.

Learned in Recovery

The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.  

Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. 

Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.

People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life. 

My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles. 

That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down. 

This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020. 

The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos. 

New Thinking

Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.

In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around. 

The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go. 

You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”.  Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative  emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control. 

Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness. 

Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.

Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys. 

Self-Compassion: Turning Your Love Inwards

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”

Kristin Neff

Old Thinking

Self-compassion has been a huge part of my mental health recovery. By learning to treat myself with love, kindness, and understanding, I have decreased my anxiety, depression, addictions, and fear of failure. Turning my love inwards has drastically improved my overall well-being. 

Previously I lacked self-compassion and was perpetually hard on myself. From a young age, I struggled with perfectionism and never felt like enough. I had signs of an eating disorder by age 8 as I was an anxious child looking to find control in my world. By grade 5, I had a list of foods that I decided that I was not allowed to eat and penalties if I did eat them. I would berate myself with put downs, considering myself weak and lazy. Clearly this shows early signs of internal struggles. It also demonstrates my tendency to be highly self-critical – a negative thinking pattern that would plague me for decades. 

As I already struggled with self-criticism, the trauma of being sexually assaulted at age 15 skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for years. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly perpetuated my suffering. 

I used to obsessively ruminate about my assault, playing the incident over and over relentlessly. Stuck points dictated my thinking: “I am such an idiot for putting myself in that position. How could I be so stupid? I can never trust myself again”. I repeatedly felt like I ruined my own life as I caused what happened to me. I had turned against myself and simply could not move on which left me stuck in spiraling in mental illness. 

I used perfectionism to hide the emotional turmoil of what had happened  and coping strategies such as alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia. Of course, this did little to help but exacerbated my self-criticism and feelings of shame.  

Eating disorders are an excellent way to hide emotions and deny reality. They thrive in shame: “You are fat. You are weak and pathetic; You did not exercise enough yesterday so you do not deserve to eat today; You still weigh too much, you undisciplined loser. When you are skinny, then you will be lovable”. Shame fuels the eating disorder and the eating disorder fuels shame. 

The same can be said for addiction. I drank to suppress my pain and feel better. Then I would sober up and feel guilty for drinking again but the little voice in my head told me that drinking was the answer to feeling better so onwards went the cycle (this is called insanity, when you continue to do the same thing but expect different results). The shame and self-criticism continued: “You are only fun when you drink; No one likes you sober; You weak loser. You could not even make it two days; You will never succeed with sobriety; You will always be an alcoholic”. I drank to feel better but eventually drinking increased my self-loathing. 

As unprocessed feelings went on for years, the worse and more unbalanced I felt. I was completely out of touch with my true feelings other than shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I hit a tipping point and did not feel like I was worth much or would ever get better. This led to my intentional overdose and the subsequent start of my recovery journey in 2019. 

Learned in Recovery

My first insight into self-compassion was felt while being evaluated by the emergency psychiatrist after overdose. He suggested that I may have PTSD after sexual assault and that many of my issues might be resolved if I mentally processed that event. He explained that unfelt feelings do not go away and are the root cause of many mental health issues. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it. I began to feel less alone in my suffering. I felt a little bit of understanding towards myself and a glimmer of hope that I could recover. 

In rehab, I was introduced to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. According to Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”. Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward. 

The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism. This very negative thinking style is often correlated with mental health problems, especially depression and addiction. Those who are highly self-critical need to develop the ability to relate to themselves in a compassionate way.

To give ourselves compassion, we must acknowledge our own suffering especially if our suffering is in part due to our own self-criticism. If we do not know we are doing it, we cannot change it. With the help of professionals, I was able to see how much I was harming myself. This realization marked a pivotal shift in my thinking as I was able to see that I was causing much of my own suffering.

I saw that not forgiving myself was like drinking my own poison as I was the one in pain. I was ruining my own life by allowing hatred to sit in my heart and eat away at me. I saw the errors of my ways and became determined to learn to move forward as a way to liberate myself from the self-imposed jail I had sentenced myself to years ago.

I began to understand that the reason I was mentally ill and dealing with such intense mental anguish was because I had trauma in my past that had been left untreated. I could now see that I was in deep pain and others would likely behave in the same way under similar circumstances. 

Therapy helped me see the negative effects of ruminating or repeatedly obsessing over things in your head. Rumination puts you at a greater risk of developing depression, alcoholism, eating disorder and cardiovascular disease. This negative thinking pattern is the antithesis of mindfulness as you are focused on the past and not the present. 

During trauma treatment, as part of cognitive processing, I was forced to address stuck points that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things, such as “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours. A turning point was when I was told that “I am not a bad person, I am a sick person that needs to get well”. Getting well required me to address the underlying causes of my suffering.

By systematically working through each one, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. So much so that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. It will also cause you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your shame. 

In trauma treatment, I was forced to write a letter to my 15-year-old self after the assault happened. I was asked to share “what I deserved to happen in that situation, what I want to say to you now, and ways that I will honour you in the future”. This was an effective activity as it forced me to look at myself through eyes of love, understanding, and compassion and an internal shift happened. 

In my letter, I expressed that in that situation, I deserved to be respected. I also apologized to that girl for carrying around such shame and guilt about the incident for years when it was not her fault. I encouraged her to seek help to work through the hurt and free herself from that emotional burden. I spoke to her like a friend going through a difficult life event. This altered my perspective and I began to see myself in a new light. I no longer hold a grudge or blame myself for what happened. I feel compassion towards that young, scared teenage girl. 

By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds. It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life.  When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. I am finally at that spot today. 

New Thinking

Self-compassion has been the foundation of my journey and has allowed me to heal and fully connect with life again. As Kristen Neff said: “The only refuge I had was self-compassion by being open hearted to myself”. I full heartedly agree with Neff and know that self-compassion saved my life. Self-compassion shifted my thinking from “I am a screwed up human that does not deserve love” to “I am a human experiencing suffering that is feeling screwed up which is precisely why I need extra love”.

Recovery has shown me that being kind and understanding to myself is the ultimate act of self-love. I now treat myself like I would a friend – with love and compassion. If I am struggling, I acknowledge that is part of the human condition and I am not alone. I will lovingly check in with myself to see what I need to restore myself to equilibrium. Learning to be vulnerable and open about my emotions has connected me to myself and enabled a friendship to blossom.

I am less judgmental and no longer expect perfection from myself (or others). Giving up perfectionism has helped me be more forgiving all around. I accept that things will not always go as planned and have lowered my expectations (in a healthy way). Self-compassion reassures me that one step forward, two steps back is still progress. I strive for progress, not perfection. I am trying my best and that is good enough. 

Self-compassion is much like treating yourself with the same love, grace, and compassion as God treats you. As I have been working to increase my spirituality in recovery, I have been delving more deeply into strengthening my relationship with God. In doing so, I have begun to see my own suffering as part of my personal journey and not to be fought or challenged but willingly, and lovingly, embraced. 

Self-compassion is a permanent way of establishing a healthier relationship with yourself. Inevitably, pain and struggle will happen in life. However, by being loving, kind, and compassionate, you will lessen your suffering and improve your mental health. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance, even in the face of failure. Especially in the face of failure.

I encourage others to practise self-compassion. Be more gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. Life is not easy but you can lessen your troubles if you have a friend in yourself.