Recently I had the opportunity to speak at a Christian Women’s Retreat. When I told a Christian friend that I was asked to speak at the event, her response caught me off guard. She said that she was surprised that they have someone “like me” speaking. I pondered this comment afterwards and questioned my suitability for the event.
Suddenly my imperfections and sins seemed like disqualifiers and I felt inadequate. I opened my speech with this disclosure and admitted that my past is ugly and dark. However, I said, I now have a heart for God and surrendered my life to Him after a powerful Spiritual Awakening. The point is that we were all there glorifying God – no matter how we came to be a believer.
Thankfully the audience clapped and I heard many “Amens” which I interpreted as acceptance. I was incredibly nervous to speak but felt compelled to share my story of hope and how God saved my life.
Where I Was: My Self-Will Run Riot
I struggled with my mental health from a young age and fell into addiction and an eating disorder to escape my inner anguish. Being sexually assaulted in my teenage years compounded my mental instability. Alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia helped to dull the pain of hopelessness, shame, and feelings of low self-worth. I believed all the lies I heard while in this dark place. My own self-will was running my life and caused tremendous chaos and poor choices. This continued for two decades and included several trips to rehab, psych wards, and jail. The dark side had a hold of me and fear was controlling my life.
While in rehab, I attended countless 12-step meetings and had witnessed the success of the program. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and that something greater than me was my only potential for recovery; however, I struggled to give up control of my life to a Higher Power so my downward spiral continued.
In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halting stop when I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell and sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours just going over things in my head. I was hopeless that I would ever recover from addiction and other mental health issues. The decision was made that I was better off dead.
What Happened: How I Came to Know God
At some point during my ruminating and familiar thoughts of self-loathing in jail, I experienced clarity and calmness. I had driven with a blood alcohol level substantially above the legal limit for a long stretch of highway; yet by the grace of God, no one was hurt and no collision occurred. That was a miracle. A Divine Intervention.
I recognized that this was a Spiritual Awakening and rock bottom that I desperately needed. I was at my lowest point, having been arrested, charged and jailed; and I heard God speak to me. I knew that I needed His help and I was finally willing to give up control since my ways were clearly not working.
This change of heart put me on the path to recovery but I still had a long road ahead of me: facing the consequences of my criminal charges and putting the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. However, I felt hopeful that I could recover and that was enough to keep the momentum going. Another miracle was that my obsession to drink had been removed. By the grace of God, I have not had alcohol since July 22, 2020.
The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. It was not just the absence of alcohol but also my willingness to be honest and connected to God that brought about significant changes. I saw the work ahead of me and no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation but had a newfound stillness and faith in my heart.
When learning new habits, I was told that I cannot always trust my first thought as it is involuntary. Since you cannot control it, you are not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thought and action. With time and practice, my immediate response became more aligned with God and my recovery goals as I was building new neural pathways in a healthier direction.
I was engaged with life in new ways and doing things to draw closer to God: Reading the bible, praying, and attending church. I was experiencing many positive changes and learning how to live a healthy life.
Spiritual Warfare
In spite of that, the closer I wanted to get to God, the more Satan attacked me – preying on my weaknesses. I started to doubt my worthiness and my ability to recover. Anxiety and fear took hold of me again. While I abstained from alcohol, I resorted to other poor coping strategies: anorexia, bulimia, and marijuana use. The difference was that these behaviours no longer served the same purpose and I felt guilty and unsatisfied – God’s Spirit inside me was grieved.
By allowing myself to be overcome by anxiety and fear, and subsequently taking back my control, this gave occasion to sin and I fell back into my old destructive ways. In choosing those behaviours, I was deciding to live independently of His will for me. I could not take my recovery for granted and I needed to maintain constant contact with God and continue to surrender (multiple times a day, if necessary) and put my trust in Him.
My struggles and recovery have shown me the importance of being on guard at all times. It is like Spiritual Warfare and the dark side will never stop feeding me lies to bring me down. They say that outside of an AA meeting, your addiction is waiting, doing push-ups in the parking lot; always waiting for you to be weak.
Thankfully, I now recognize Satan’s strategies so I am better equipped for battle. I heard a quote that resonated with me: “You don’t have to spiral the rest of your life but you just might if you don’t go to war.” By becoming aware of my internal spiritual battles, I can better fight against Satan when he tries to keep me from God’s calling.
Where I Am Today: Life with God
The past four years have been hard work despite inviting God into my life. I still struggle with temptation, sin, and falling from grace. Fortunately, by taking it one day at a time, the days have added up and my relationship with God has grown. I have developed new ways of thinking and living so I respond to life differently. God has transformed me and enriched my life in countless ways.
Faith
While I used to use alcohol and other poor coping skills to escape, I now take a pause when I feel overwhelmed and lean into God. I have faith that He will see me through anything; trusting that He will make a way even when a situation seems hopeless.
I heard this quote and it is bang on: “A woman who has God in her heart fights her battles differently. At the first sign of struggle, she doesn’t lash back or attack, she kneels.” By praying and trusting God, I no longer have to struggle on my own. I can trust that He is there for me, even in difficult times.
Hope
Faith in God means that I have enduring hope. I now see that alcohol was never my problem – it was my solution. Fear was my problem. It has taken me decades to finally learn that fear is a liar and I cannot believe, or act on, everything I think. I am learning to allow hope and faith to guide my steps in life instead of fear.
Now when I feel fear, I know that I need to go to God and pray. As they say in AA: “Let Go and Let God”. By being willing to let go of my own self-will and surrendering to God, I have freed myself from myself and had a complete change of heart. That is the beauty of recovery and God’s grace.
Purpose
I am starting to see myself in a different light and see God’s purpose for me. All my chaos, pain, and suffering was calculated and God knew what he was doing all along. I used to feel defined by shame and inadequacies. Now I understand that everything that I have encountered – even the awful things – have been part of my journey. Throughout Scripture, broken people are the vessels God chose to use for His redemptive plan. I feel the push from God to use my brokenness to connect with others.
Speaking at the Women’s retreat encouraged me that my imperfections and sins did not disqualify me and I am more than enough to impact where I am right now. I received positive feedback from an abundance of ladies, thanking me for my vulnerability and inspiration. Based on several conversations I had afterwards, I can see that my testament was impactful in providing hope to others and glory to God.
I am continuing to work on embracing God’s plan for me and discovering my divine assignment. I will keep praying that God will mature me, focus me, and equip me with the mindset needed to bring Him Glory.
A Changed Heart
Today I have hope, faith, and purpose. I am grateful to feel transformed and have a second chance at life. I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. By surrendering and putting my trust in God, my life went from dark to light. He restored me to sanity and hope from addiction and hopelessness. He has shown me the errors of my faulty foundations and overthrown all the lies. I am rebuilding my foundation on rock. I am grateful for my struggles as they brought me to God who revealed my strengths.
The road to recovery is not easy but it is worth it. When you have hope and trust God, you will never be alone. If you are struggling with addiction or the pull of the dark side, there is hope. Find a 12-step meeting or find community support. Pray on it, Pray over it, Pray through it. But do not go at it alone. You are not beyond His reach and you can recover.
Stepping Out of the Shadows 