“This is rape culture – this tendency for good men, the kind of men who say they’re outraged by rape, to repeatedly ignore and maybe even support the behaviors that excuse rape.”
May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so the topic has been on my mind. I got thinking about last summer when I was asked to speak to a women’s group about my recovery journey and was approached by an emotional woman afterwards. She was visibly distraught and waited patiently to talk with me amidst the line of others. When it was her turn, she immediately blurted out: “How can I prevent THAT from happening to my daughters?” With an emphasis on the word ‘that’, clearly referring to sexual assault. I was taken aback by her intensity and bluntness.
I suddenly felt like I needed to calm this woman and provide her with some reassurance. As a mom to two daughters myself, I can appreciate her anxiety but this was out of my realm. I was only there to share my story and have no professional expertise. However, this lady was determined that I say something – her eyes burning a hole through me.
I told her that I did not have the answer and encouraged her to raise strong girls that listened to their intuition. (Not a great answer at all but guilt from not trusting my own gut haunted me for years).
Looking back, I wish that I had more time to get on my soapbox and scream from the rooftops that it is not up to girls to prevent sexual assault from happening to them but it boils down to men respecting consent.
The topic angers me, particularly after experiencing my own sexual assault which derailed my life; and now being a mother to two daughters. Plus I am angry on behalf of countless other women that have been sexually assaulted.
Approximately 4.7 million women – or 30% of all women aged 15 and older – have been sexually assaulted outside of an intimate relationship at least once since age 15 (Statistics Canada, 2019).
In over half (52%) of sexual assault incidents, the perpetrator was a friend, acquaintance, or neighbour of the victim. These statistics are revolting and something needs to change.
Since becoming open about my own sexual assault and seeing how much damage the trauma did to my mental health, I am driven to brave the conversation and talk about sexual assault. I have much to say about the subject but with few answers.
If that much sexual assault is happening yet the conviction rate is so low, those men are living among us. Monsters among us. I look around with skepticism as I wonder who the sexual deviants may be. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, lying in wait for their unsuspecting victim.
How are so many men capable of sexual violence? Do they set out to sexual assault or is it a crime of opportunity?
Years ago I had a conversation about sexual assault with a police officer and he was adamant that “rapists are born rapists” and no amount of precautions will prevent one from being victimized. Our conversation quickly turned into a heated debate with no resolution. I was shocked to hear a police officer hold this opinion – undermining the importance of teaching men not to rape and putting the sole responsibility on women to protect themselves. His viewpoints left me spiraling, causing me to question my own convictions.
I could not shake his cynical point of view nor did I want to believe it. I believe in educating young men. I believe that sexual assaults can be prevented and that rapists are not born rapists. Am I wrong? Delusional?
Rape Culture
Perhaps it is a slippery slope as a result of rape culture? Whether you realize it or not, rape culture is deeply embedded in our language and social norms.
Rape culture is a term used to show the ways in which society blame victims of sexual assault and normalizes sexual violence. Unfortunately, the normalization of rape culture is prevalent and many people perpetuate rape culture simply by tolerating it and not doing anything to stop it.
Some examples of normalizing rape culture:
- Comments such as: “boys will be boys” or “men are just pigs”
- Victim shaming (i.e. “what was she wearing?”)
- Defending rapists (i.e. “he didn’t know that she wasn’t into it”)
- Rape jokes (i.e. “he got raped by his wife in the divorce”)
- Sexist attitudes
- Locker room banter
- School dress codes – archaic with double standards
- Unequal pay
- Music that degrades women or victims (i.e. “you know you want it”)
- Sexual assault education often focusing on women being told to take measures to ensure they are not raped as opposed to men being told not to rape.
These examples will not cause rape alone. However it’s a hierarchy of progression from normalization (bottom tier) to degradation to physical violence (top tier). The attitudes and actions from normalization and acceptance of bottom tiers reinforce and excuse those behaviours higher up – thus perpetuating rape culture.
Society must change for rape culture to change. One person at a time, let’s start the conversation. Rape culture does not outwardly promote rape and maybe you would not personally rape someone. But by participating in the normalization of it (above examples) and not stopping it, you are maintaining the culture of sexual violence in society.
Brave the conversation. Shut down the comments. Refuse to participate. Educate others. Stand up for the victim. One conversation at a time we can change the culture and prevent further violence.
Consent
Also let’s talk more openly about consent. If you have a son, do not shy away from this topic! Consent rules in Canada states that the absence of “no” doesn’t mean “yes”. You need to actively seek consent!
The person initiating sexual activity needs to take reasonable steps to establish consent. If you are unsure, stop and ask: “Is this okay?”
Recognize nonverbal signs of refusal such as:
- Avoiding eye contact
- Crying
- Pushing away
- Shaking head no
- Silence
- Not being responsive
- If someone doesn’t give you consent for sexual activity, STOP!
The law and consent:
- You have the right to withdraw consent at any time during sexual activity
- Even if you’ve consented to start a sexual act with someone, you have the right to stop it at any time.
- Consenting to one kind of sexual activity does not automatically mean consenting to another.
- If you don’t want to do something, you have the right to say, “STOP!”
As a high school health and physical education teacher, my husband emphasizes the importance of consent with his male teenage students. Ensuring that these young men understand that the absence of no does not equal yes. He reiterates that enthusiastic consent is necessary.
Reporting
Furthermore, did you know that sexual assault is among the crimes which are least likely to be reported to the police? Studies found that an estimated 78% of sexual assaults were not reported (according to Canada’s Department of Justice).
Victims do not report incidents of sexual assault for various reasons. While we cannot influence some of those reasons, we, as society, can improve by creating a culture where victims feel safe and validated to report their sexual assault, without fear of: victim-shaming, not being believed, ridicule or belittlement.
By not reporting sexual assaults, the same perpetrators are left free to reassault or victimize others. This has repeatedly been shown in the media where multiple sexual allegations are made against the same perpetrator often only after another victim has come forward and often years later.
In addition to underreporting, sexual assault victims are also less likely to seek professional help or speak to others about their experience. Not dealing with trauma may lead to increased psychological pain such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and much more.
If you have been sexually assaulted, I encourage you to seek professional help to work through your trauma. Trauma affects your mind and body so treatment or therapy can help you reconnect with yourself to feel whole again. Recovering from trauma takes intentional hard work but is well worth it and feeling inner peace again is possible.
Coming from a survivor that has recently worked through my own past trauma after years of inner pain, it’s sad to think of how many victims still live with trauma weighing heavy on their heart and I hope to inspire others to seek recovery.
Be courageous and have awkward conversations with your children. Sexual violence is an uncomfortable subject but by encouraging open dialogue about the topic, we can help stop the silence and suffering of victims and prevent further assaults. I dream of a world for our daughters where men respect women as equals and there is an end to sexual violence.
“She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared but because she went on so strongly despite the fear”
-Atticus
If you have been sexually assaulted, call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Or check online for your local Sexual Assault Centres, Crisis Lines, And Support Services.
In Ontario, check out the Ontario Coalition of
Rape Crisis Centres (OCRCC):
Ontario-wide Support
Assaulted Women’s Helpline:
1-866-863-0511
Kids Help Phone:
1-800-668-6868
Talk4Healing, for Indigenous women:
1-855-554-HEAL
Male Survivors of Sexual Violence:
1-866-887-0015
Stepping Out of the Shadows 