I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to be.
– Carl Jung
Old Thinking
Learning to overcome my trauma has been the most difficult aspect of my recovery. It has also been incredibly liberating as I have released myself from the chains of my past. Trauma changed me but it no longer controls me.
Being sexually assaulted at age 15 had an immediate life-changing and damaging effect on my life. I was left feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and disconnected from life. I was not developmentally able to process what had happened and despair quickly took hold, causing me to attempt suicide shortly afterwards.
I subsequently remained hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks, then returned to high school like everything was normal – hiding behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; unable to deal with my emotions. I was traumatized and unaware how much this incident would control me over the next twenty years.
I continued to struggle with my mental health throughout university and eventually ended up going to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. When counselors pushed me to talk about my past sexual trauma, I panicked and dropped out of the treatment program early. Consequently, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor.
Unbeknownst to me, trauma was affecting my life in multiple ways beyond being in denial. I carried around substantial shame about what had happened which perpetuated my dysfunctional coping mechanisms like alcohol abuse and disordered eating. My life was consistently full of drama as my emotions were running the show. I was anxious, irrational, and overreactive. I was also depressed and disengaged with life, lacking meaningful connections to others largely due to trust issues and a fear of vulnerability. The light of who I was had dimmed to near darkness.
There were countless times that I could not understand why I acted the way I did. I could not articulate my needs or override my emotional brain when it was triggered, causing over-activity and over-reactivity (e.g. fight/flight/freeze response). Men were a strong trigger for me.
For instance, one time I was intimidated by a guy at a bar so I abruptly left the bar (without telling anyone) because I felt unsafe and needed to escape.
Another time I fainted at university and woke up to several firefighters surrounding me. I became overwhelmed and aggressive (much to the surprise of the professionals trying to help me).
These instances of my emotional brain taking over were usually followed by embarrassment and a realization that my reaction was inappropriate and over the top. Thus continuing my belief that I was crazy and forever mentally unstable.
For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health and was in denial, vehemently avoiding my emotions and detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. I felt hopeless that I would recover from my inner anguish and that my daughters were better off without me and my plethora of issues. Thus leading to an intentional overdose in February 2019.
Learning in Recovery
Afterwards in the hospital, the Psychiatrist assessing me explained that I acted the way I did due to unresolved trauma. He proceeded to tell me that trauma is any pattern of activating your stress response system that leads to a lasting emotional response long after the traumatic event has ended.
Trauma changes your brain activity and neurobiology. The stuff that happens to you plays a role in who you are and how you behave – socially, emotionally, and physically.
This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own behaviour. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it.
Once in rehab I learned a great deal about the impact of trauma. I was told that “You are not responsible for what happened to you but your recovery is your responsibility”. Trauma is complex and healing would require a multifaceted approach.
I became aware that I was living in hypervigilance, an elevated state of alertness. My limbic system (emotional brain) was hyperactive and prone to respond more impulsively, called an Amygdala Hijack.
With someone that has experienced trauma, stimuli can trigger overactivity in the amygdala (part of the limbic system that detects danger) and causes a sudden and intense emotional response that is an overreaction to the event (e.g. fear). This ‘hijacking’ occurs when the amygdala takes control and prepares the body for fight, flight, or freeze.
The more the amygdala is used, it will continue to grow in density and is more likely to be triggered again in the future. This helped explain why I would often overreact to situations and not understand my intense reaction. Therefore, I needed to learn how to get out of autopilot by gaining control over my brain’s emotional reactions.
I learned to take a pause when I felt my limbic system being activated. To return to the safety of the present moment, I developed skills that “ground” me in the present. These skills help to focus or reconnect me so that I begin to safely feel emotions without fight-or-flight response. Grounding skills are behaviours that distract and refocus you, so that you can safely cope. Essentially learning to tolerate distress instead of “acting out” and falling victim to emotions again.
Another important aspect of my trauma recovery was learning the importance of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to rewire my logical brain to override my emotional brain. Through CBT training, the brain actually reinforces the neural pathways and they become stronger so it becomes increasingly easier to deal with stressful situations. I regularly practiced various healthy thinking patterns to reinforce and strengthen the paths in my brain and change my immediate responses.
Additionally, during trauma treatment I was required to address ‘stuck points’ that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things. The traumatic event had a negative effect on my beliefs about myself, others, and the world in many areas, including my sense of safety, trust, power/control, esteem, intimacy, and more. By systematically working through each stuck point, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years.
In treatment I also learned the healing power of connecting. I was blessed to have been put in an all women trauma group and felt safe and secure as I worked through trauma. Being vulnerable and connecting with others was new to me as “trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection” (Stephen Porges)
Recovering from trauma also required me to forgive myself and acknowledge that I did not cause what happened to me and I needed to free myself from that belief. Developing self-compassion has been pivotal to my healing. By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds.
New Thinking
I am proof that recovery from trauma is possible. I am no longer a victim and have been freed from my past which once defined me. It has been a long and difficult journey but well worth it. I feel like I have a second chance at life.
Being told that my behaviour and mental issues were due to unresolved trauma gave me hope that I could get well. For years I had tried to suppress what had happened but my subconscious would not forget and I was left with emotional residue from not addressing things. I can now see that I was, unknowingly, living in a state of Amygdala Hijack for over twenty years due to trauma.
It took me multiple trips to rehab but I eventually came to know that things were not going to improve and I was not going to maintain sobriety or mental wellness until I faced and worked through what had happened to me; whether I wanted to or not.
Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it.
Recovery required a multifaceted approach in addition to diligence and dedication. I needed to address the unprocessed feelings of the incident and learn new skills. Fortunately neurobiology allows brain connections to be changed to create new pathways to health. Today I have learned to ground myself and no longer feel overtaken by emotions or perceived threats.
I continue to work on challenging my unhealthy thinking patterns and am more comfortable facing unpleasant emotions and stressful situations. I no longer feel the need to avoid my emotions with alcohol or disordered eating. Sobriety has enabled me to see things more clearly and logically.
Additionally, I am more trusting of men and no longer look at them under a cloud of suspicion. Furthermore by understanding the behavioral patterns behind trauma, I have increased my compassion and awareness as a teacher.
Trauma can be caused by a big or small traumatic event: neglect, divorce, abuse, living in a war zone, bullying etc. The same event will be processed by people differently so may be traumatic to some and not others.
Unresolved trauma will not go away. Trauma can make you more vulnerable to developing mental health problems (especially addiction) and negatively impact your well-being.
I encourage you to talk to someone if you have been through trauma and not processed it. I experienced the healing and freeing power of sharing my secret as some things are too big of a burden to carry alone.
It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life. I am excited for this new chapter in my life as overcoming trauma brings post-traumatic wisdom and growth.
The sharing of your story is powerful so take what has happened to you and turn it into power.
Stepping Out of the Shadows 