Self-Compassion: Turning Your Love Inwards

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”

Kristin Neff

Old Thinking

Self-compassion has been a huge part of my mental health recovery. By learning to treat myself with love, kindness, and understanding, I have decreased my anxiety, depression, addictions, and fear of failure. Turning my love inwards has drastically improved my overall well-being. 

Previously I lacked self-compassion and was perpetually hard on myself. From a young age, I struggled with perfectionism and never felt like enough. I had signs of an eating disorder by age 8 as I was an anxious child looking to find control in my world. By grade 5, I had a list of foods that I decided that I was not allowed to eat and penalties if I did eat them. I would berate myself with put downs, considering myself weak and lazy. Clearly this shows early signs of internal struggles. It also demonstrates my tendency to be highly self-critical – a negative thinking pattern that would plague me for decades. 

As I already struggled with self-criticism, the trauma of being sexually assaulted at age 15 skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for years. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly perpetuated my suffering. 

I used to obsessively ruminate about my assault, playing the incident over and over relentlessly. Stuck points dictated my thinking: “I am such an idiot for putting myself in that position. How could I be so stupid? I can never trust myself again”. I repeatedly felt like I ruined my own life as I caused what happened to me. I had turned against myself and simply could not move on which left me stuck in spiraling in mental illness. 

I used perfectionism to hide the emotional turmoil of what had happened  and coping strategies such as alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia. Of course, this did little to help but exacerbated my self-criticism and feelings of shame.  

Eating disorders are an excellent way to hide emotions and deny reality. They thrive in shame: “You are fat. You are weak and pathetic; You did not exercise enough yesterday so you do not deserve to eat today; You still weigh too much, you undisciplined loser. When you are skinny, then you will be lovable”. Shame fuels the eating disorder and the eating disorder fuels shame. 

The same can be said for addiction. I drank to suppress my pain and feel better. Then I would sober up and feel guilty for drinking again but the little voice in my head told me that drinking was the answer to feeling better so onwards went the cycle (this is called insanity, when you continue to do the same thing but expect different results). The shame and self-criticism continued: “You are only fun when you drink; No one likes you sober; You weak loser. You could not even make it two days; You will never succeed with sobriety; You will always be an alcoholic”. I drank to feel better but eventually drinking increased my self-loathing. 

As unprocessed feelings went on for years, the worse and more unbalanced I felt. I was completely out of touch with my true feelings other than shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I hit a tipping point and did not feel like I was worth much or would ever get better. This led to my intentional overdose and the subsequent start of my recovery journey in 2019. 

Learned in Recovery

My first insight into self-compassion was felt while being evaluated by the emergency psychiatrist after overdose. He suggested that I may have PTSD after sexual assault and that many of my issues might be resolved if I mentally processed that event. He explained that unfelt feelings do not go away and are the root cause of many mental health issues. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it. I began to feel less alone in my suffering. I felt a little bit of understanding towards myself and a glimmer of hope that I could recover. 

In rehab, I was introduced to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. According to Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”. Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward. 

The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism. This very negative thinking style is often correlated with mental health problems, especially depression and addiction. Those who are highly self-critical need to develop the ability to relate to themselves in a compassionate way.

To give ourselves compassion, we must acknowledge our own suffering especially if our suffering is in part due to our own self-criticism. If we do not know we are doing it, we cannot change it. With the help of professionals, I was able to see how much I was harming myself. This realization marked a pivotal shift in my thinking as I was able to see that I was causing much of my own suffering.

I saw that not forgiving myself was like drinking my own poison as I was the one in pain. I was ruining my own life by allowing hatred to sit in my heart and eat away at me. I saw the errors of my ways and became determined to learn to move forward as a way to liberate myself from the self-imposed jail I had sentenced myself to years ago.

I began to understand that the reason I was mentally ill and dealing with such intense mental anguish was because I had trauma in my past that had been left untreated. I could now see that I was in deep pain and others would likely behave in the same way under similar circumstances. 

Therapy helped me see the negative effects of ruminating or repeatedly obsessing over things in your head. Rumination puts you at a greater risk of developing depression, alcoholism, eating disorder and cardiovascular disease. This negative thinking pattern is the antithesis of mindfulness as you are focused on the past and not the present. 

During trauma treatment, as part of cognitive processing, I was forced to address stuck points that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things, such as “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours. A turning point was when I was told that “I am not a bad person, I am a sick person that needs to get well”. Getting well required me to address the underlying causes of my suffering.

By systematically working through each one, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. So much so that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. It will also cause you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your shame. 

In trauma treatment, I was forced to write a letter to my 15-year-old self after the assault happened. I was asked to share “what I deserved to happen in that situation, what I want to say to you now, and ways that I will honour you in the future”. This was an effective activity as it forced me to look at myself through eyes of love, understanding, and compassion and an internal shift happened. 

In my letter, I expressed that in that situation, I deserved to be respected. I also apologized to that girl for carrying around such shame and guilt about the incident for years when it was not her fault. I encouraged her to seek help to work through the hurt and free herself from that emotional burden. I spoke to her like a friend going through a difficult life event. This altered my perspective and I began to see myself in a new light. I no longer hold a grudge or blame myself for what happened. I feel compassion towards that young, scared teenage girl. 

By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds. It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life.  When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. I am finally at that spot today. 

New Thinking

Self-compassion has been the foundation of my journey and has allowed me to heal and fully connect with life again. As Kristen Neff said: “The only refuge I had was self-compassion by being open hearted to myself”. I full heartedly agree with Neff and know that self-compassion saved my life. Self-compassion shifted my thinking from “I am a screwed up human that does not deserve love” to “I am a human experiencing suffering that is feeling screwed up which is precisely why I need extra love”.

Recovery has shown me that being kind and understanding to myself is the ultimate act of self-love. I now treat myself like I would a friend – with love and compassion. If I am struggling, I acknowledge that is part of the human condition and I am not alone. I will lovingly check in with myself to see what I need to restore myself to equilibrium. Learning to be vulnerable and open about my emotions has connected me to myself and enabled a friendship to blossom.

I am less judgmental and no longer expect perfection from myself (or others). Giving up perfectionism has helped me be more forgiving all around. I accept that things will not always go as planned and have lowered my expectations (in a healthy way). Self-compassion reassures me that one step forward, two steps back is still progress. I strive for progress, not perfection. I am trying my best and that is good enough. 

Self-compassion is much like treating yourself with the same love, grace, and compassion as God treats you. As I have been working to increase my spirituality in recovery, I have been delving more deeply into strengthening my relationship with God. In doing so, I have begun to see my own suffering as part of my personal journey and not to be fought or challenged but willingly, and lovingly, embraced. 

Self-compassion is a permanent way of establishing a healthier relationship with yourself. Inevitably, pain and struggle will happen in life. However, by being loving, kind, and compassionate, you will lessen your suffering and improve your mental health. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance, even in the face of failure. Especially in the face of failure.

I encourage others to practise self-compassion. Be more gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. Life is not easy but you can lessen your troubles if you have a friend in yourself.