Month: February 2024

Radical Acceptance: Living Life on Life’s Terms

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”

Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr

Old Thinking

Learning to recognize and accept things out of my control has been pivotal to my mental health recovery. When we see and accept reality for what it is, we can then respond wisely to challenges while maintaining our calm. 

From a young age, I struggled with anxiety and I looked for ways to regain control when things felt out of control in my world. I was eager to outrun anxiety and somehow anorexia and perfectionism allowed me to temporarily ignore my discomfort by providing me with a false sense of control. 

In later years, I would seek to escape my pain or discomfort with alcohol or drugs. I also used to obsessively ruminate about past events. I would replay things over and over in my head – unable to accept what happened. I had poor coping skills which perpetuated my mental illness.

Even while in rehab, despite choosing to be there, I fought it tooth and nail. I struggled with the reality of having to be vulnerable to get well. Initially I avoided being vulnerable; therefore I was not making recovery progress. Then when threatened with discharge if I did not attempt to open up, I demonstrated some vulnerability except then fell back into old disordered eating habits and relapsed with alcohol. I was fighting reality and attempting to control the exposure that I felt from vulnerability. 

In March 2020, I broke my tibia and fibula playing hockey and was hospitalized for nine days before having surgery (allowing swelling to subside). Being regularly active is hugely important for my mental health so I was devastated by the severity of my break and the uncertain recovery prognosis. Needless to say, I was frustrated and angry about the situation and spent considerable time stewing about it. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, things were about to get significantly worse for me and the entire world. Two days after returning home, the Corona virus sent the world into a frenzy and basically shut down Ontario. I was in disbelief and overwhelmed with all that was suddenly on my plate. With poor stress management skills, I soon resorted back to alcohol and disordered eating. 

During one of my weekly check-ins with the Orthopedic Surgeon at the Fracture Clinic, he asked about my ankle recovery. I proceeded to explain that I was struggling with both alcohol abuse and anorexia and wondered if he could tell me which was worse for my ankle healing so I could exercise some harm reduction. 

The Surgeon was taken aback by my question but seeing that I was serious, he first suggested that I seek psychiatric treatment (already on top of it, Doc). Then he discussed the importance of proper nutrition at that time to properly fuse my ankle back together while also stating that alcohol will rob my bones of necessary nutrients. He did not have a straight answer to give me other than encouraging me to seek recovery for both issues. 

As months dragged on, between the ongoing pandemic, my ankle, and poor mental health, I felt depressed, angry, and resentful about life. (Remembering that I had relapsed and left rehab against medical advice only two months prior so was already mentally unstable). I desperately needed some wisdom to change my thinking and get me out of a downward spiral. As I was not mobile and could do little else, there was no better time to learn about acceptance than during a seemingly endless pandemic when so much felt out of control.

Learned in Recovery

The book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach was recommended to me to help shift my perspective at that difficult time. It was immediately transformative as I began to see how much I was getting in my own way and exacerbating my inner anguish by denying reality.  

Radical acceptance is about accepting yourself, current situation, and life – without fighting it. It is a distress tolerance skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. 

Practicing radical acceptance essentially means being able to make it through an emotional experience without making it worse. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or condone the situation but simply accept it in order to better move through it. It means accepting reality by acknowledging that the event happened.

People often choose to ignore or reject certain kinds of pain or use unhealthy coping habits to minimize or numb the discomfort. However, by not accepting reality, pain turns into suffering, which causes ongoing distress. I was able to see that I had been doing this my whole life. 

My previous approach to facing adversity was the opposite. I was an expert at numbing, resisting and pushing back against my pain and reality – even when things were clearly out of my control. This solved nothing as my situation stayed the same and I perpetuated my struggles. 

That is precisely what happened every time I went to rehab. I wanted to get well but then resisted the necessary steps needed to do so. Breaking open the facade that I put on and exposing my true self felt too unsafe for me; so I continued to avoid like I have always done to escape the pain. Predictably, it did not work and actually intensified my suffering. As Brach stated: What we resist grows. An internal shift happened once I realized that I needed to lean into the discomfort (Brené Brown’s words) and put my defenses down. 

This point was made especially clear to me after I was charged with impaired driving and hit my lowest point. I was at a crossroads and had an important choice to make: either see this incident as bad luck and continue on my dark path; or accept the reality that I had a serious alcohol problem which led me to drive under the influence. Fortunately after sitting in a jail cell for hours, the answer was crystal clear to me and I accepted reality. There was no more escaping the red flags and this was my turning point and final rock bottom. By the grace of God, I have been freed from the bonds of alcohol since July 2020. 

The Serenity Prayer is a foundational element of Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step meetings. It reminds those in recovery to let go of things out of your control and to have the courage to take action with the things that are in your control: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

While I had been familiar with this prayer for years from attending meetings, it was not until I read Radical Acceptance that I truly understood the meaning. The wisdom to identify things in my control and things out of my control is crucial. It is the difference between inner peace and chaos. 

New Thinking

Radical Acceptance is liberating and my life has become calmer as I have stopped fighting reality. I now live through life’s circumstances as they are. I may not like the situation, but I accept it if I cannot change it. By reframing my thoughts to acceptance and kindness, I show myself compassion and lessen my own suffering; resulting in greater serenity and well-being. Today I embrace that stress happens and I have the power to choose my response.

In March 2021, a year after the first surgery, I continued to have substantial ankle pain and it was determined that my ankle was still broken. My tibia did not heal properly (which the Surgeon attributed to poor nutrition). That meant another surgery and off my ankle again for another 3 months. I was immediately disappointed, frustrated and angry. However, having now learned about radical acceptance and being alcohol-free for 8 months, I was able to accept my new reality without resorting to old habits. I regarded this setback with compassion and allowed myself to experience frustration for a short time before acknowledging it was out of my control and going forward. Improved resilience and the ability to bounce back from adversity allowed me to move on while keeping my mental health recovery progress intact this time around. 

The hard truth is that life will not always go as planned and life is not always fair. Things will happen that will upset you. Thankfully, you always have two choices: you can accept it or you can fight it. By embracing your journey and where you are at instead of rejecting it, your life will be calmer. Let it be, let it go. 

You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you react to it. Like the old proverb states: “We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sail”.  Brach suggests taking a sacred pause when negative  emotions come up. In this pause, we can notice the emotion and the experience of it. That is the (aforementioned) wisdom of deciphering what you can and cannot control. 

Improved stress management skills have drastically improved my daily teaching too. As a Kindergarten teacher with 30 students, things do not always go as planned. Tiny humans are busy and there are inevitably things that are out of my control. I love my job but sometimes there are moments of chaos or frustration. I no longer get stuck in these feelings but am now able to take a deep breath and acknowledge my emotions and move forward with calmness. 

Radical acceptance has transformed my life and I encourage others to learn more about it to enhance inner calmness and resilience. Have self-compassion and remind yourself that the situation is only temporary and will eventually end (even the neverending pandemic finally did). When life knocks you down, you get up, brush yourself off and keep moving on. You may be angry, upset, and disappointed but you cannot stay that way for long because life moves on.

Like the Serenity Prayer states, acknowledge that you cannot change or control everything. Accept life on life’s terms without fighting back. If you can change things then courageously do so. The key point is to have the wisdom to know the difference – for the sake of your serenity, and sanity. When we stop being at war with ourselves and life, we are free to enjoy all life’s moments, including the mountains and the valleys. 

Self-Compassion: Turning Your Love Inwards

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks, what’s good for you?”

Kristin Neff

Old Thinking

Self-compassion has been a huge part of my mental health recovery. By learning to treat myself with love, kindness, and understanding, I have decreased my anxiety, depression, addictions, and fear of failure. Turning my love inwards has drastically improved my overall well-being. 

Previously I lacked self-compassion and was perpetually hard on myself. From a young age, I struggled with perfectionism and never felt like enough. I had signs of an eating disorder by age 8 as I was an anxious child looking to find control in my world. By grade 5, I had a list of foods that I decided that I was not allowed to eat and penalties if I did eat them. I would berate myself with put downs, considering myself weak and lazy. Clearly this shows early signs of internal struggles. It also demonstrates my tendency to be highly self-critical – a negative thinking pattern that would plague me for decades. 

As I already struggled with self-criticism, the trauma of being sexually assaulted at age 15 skyrocketed me into a downward shame spiral that lasted for years. I was unkind and mean to myself during this already difficult time which cruelly perpetuated my suffering. 

I used to obsessively ruminate about my assault, playing the incident over and over relentlessly. Stuck points dictated my thinking: “I am such an idiot for putting myself in that position. How could I be so stupid? I can never trust myself again”. I repeatedly felt like I ruined my own life as I caused what happened to me. I had turned against myself and simply could not move on which left me stuck in spiraling in mental illness. 

I used perfectionism to hide the emotional turmoil of what had happened  and coping strategies such as alcohol, anorexia, and bulimia. Of course, this did little to help but exacerbated my self-criticism and feelings of shame.  

Eating disorders are an excellent way to hide emotions and deny reality. They thrive in shame: “You are fat. You are weak and pathetic; You did not exercise enough yesterday so you do not deserve to eat today; You still weigh too much, you undisciplined loser. When you are skinny, then you will be lovable”. Shame fuels the eating disorder and the eating disorder fuels shame. 

The same can be said for addiction. I drank to suppress my pain and feel better. Then I would sober up and feel guilty for drinking again but the little voice in my head told me that drinking was the answer to feeling better so onwards went the cycle (this is called insanity, when you continue to do the same thing but expect different results). The shame and self-criticism continued: “You are only fun when you drink; No one likes you sober; You weak loser. You could not even make it two days; You will never succeed with sobriety; You will always be an alcoholic”. I drank to feel better but eventually drinking increased my self-loathing. 

As unprocessed feelings went on for years, the worse and more unbalanced I felt. I was completely out of touch with my true feelings other than shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I hit a tipping point and did not feel like I was worth much or would ever get better. This led to my intentional overdose and the subsequent start of my recovery journey in 2019. 

Learned in Recovery

My first insight into self-compassion was felt while being evaluated by the emergency psychiatrist after overdose. He suggested that I may have PTSD after sexual assault and that many of my issues might be resolved if I mentally processed that event. He explained that unfelt feelings do not go away and are the root cause of many mental health issues. I was finally able to see that I acted the way I did, not because I was crazy, but because I had experienced trauma and not dealt with it. I began to feel less alone in my suffering. I felt a little bit of understanding towards myself and a glimmer of hope that I could recover. 

In rehab, I was introduced to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. According to Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend”. Self-compassion is the ability to turn understanding, acceptance, and love inward. 

The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism. This very negative thinking style is often correlated with mental health problems, especially depression and addiction. Those who are highly self-critical need to develop the ability to relate to themselves in a compassionate way.

To give ourselves compassion, we must acknowledge our own suffering especially if our suffering is in part due to our own self-criticism. If we do not know we are doing it, we cannot change it. With the help of professionals, I was able to see how much I was harming myself. This realization marked a pivotal shift in my thinking as I was able to see that I was causing much of my own suffering.

I saw that not forgiving myself was like drinking my own poison as I was the one in pain. I was ruining my own life by allowing hatred to sit in my heart and eat away at me. I saw the errors of my ways and became determined to learn to move forward as a way to liberate myself from the self-imposed jail I had sentenced myself to years ago.

I began to understand that the reason I was mentally ill and dealing with such intense mental anguish was because I had trauma in my past that had been left untreated. I could now see that I was in deep pain and others would likely behave in the same way under similar circumstances. 

Therapy helped me see the negative effects of ruminating or repeatedly obsessing over things in your head. Rumination puts you at a greater risk of developing depression, alcoholism, eating disorder and cardiovascular disease. This negative thinking pattern is the antithesis of mindfulness as you are focused on the past and not the present. 

During trauma treatment, as part of cognitive processing, I was forced to address stuck points that kept cycling through my head. I learned that when trauma occurs, false beliefs take hold as your subconscious tries to make sense of things, such as “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Trauma is bad. Trauma happened to me, therefore I am bad”. The feeling that I was inherently bad sustained my shame and poor coping behaviours. A turning point was when I was told that “I am not a bad person, I am a sick person that needs to get well”. Getting well required me to address the underlying causes of my suffering.

By systematically working through each one, I was able to logically refute the lies that I had been telling myself for years. So much so that they had become facts in my head. Shame is an extraordinarily powerful manipulator that will have you believe outrageous lies and misconstrue life. It will also cause you to go to great lengths to keep you isolated from others to hide your shame. 

In trauma treatment, I was forced to write a letter to my 15-year-old self after the assault happened. I was asked to share “what I deserved to happen in that situation, what I want to say to you now, and ways that I will honour you in the future”. This was an effective activity as it forced me to look at myself through eyes of love, understanding, and compassion and an internal shift happened. 

In my letter, I expressed that in that situation, I deserved to be respected. I also apologized to that girl for carrying around such shame and guilt about the incident for years when it was not her fault. I encouraged her to seek help to work through the hurt and free herself from that emotional burden. I spoke to her like a friend going through a difficult life event. This altered my perspective and I began to see myself in a new light. I no longer hold a grudge or blame myself for what happened. I feel compassion towards that young, scared teenage girl. 

By becoming more kind, warm, and understanding with myself, I was (finally) able to process and heal my wounds. It has been a long road for me to learn to give up my dysfunctional ways and thinking, and develop new healthy ways of dealing with myself and life.  When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. I am finally at that spot today. 

New Thinking

Self-compassion has been the foundation of my journey and has allowed me to heal and fully connect with life again. As Kristen Neff said: “The only refuge I had was self-compassion by being open hearted to myself”. I full heartedly agree with Neff and know that self-compassion saved my life. Self-compassion shifted my thinking from “I am a screwed up human that does not deserve love” to “I am a human experiencing suffering that is feeling screwed up which is precisely why I need extra love”.

Recovery has shown me that being kind and understanding to myself is the ultimate act of self-love. I now treat myself like I would a friend – with love and compassion. If I am struggling, I acknowledge that is part of the human condition and I am not alone. I will lovingly check in with myself to see what I need to restore myself to equilibrium. Learning to be vulnerable and open about my emotions has connected me to myself and enabled a friendship to blossom.

I am less judgmental and no longer expect perfection from myself (or others). Giving up perfectionism has helped me be more forgiving all around. I accept that things will not always go as planned and have lowered my expectations (in a healthy way). Self-compassion reassures me that one step forward, two steps back is still progress. I strive for progress, not perfection. I am trying my best and that is good enough. 

Self-compassion is much like treating yourself with the same love, grace, and compassion as God treats you. As I have been working to increase my spirituality in recovery, I have been delving more deeply into strengthening my relationship with God. In doing so, I have begun to see my own suffering as part of my personal journey and not to be fought or challenged but willingly, and lovingly, embraced. 

Self-compassion is a permanent way of establishing a healthier relationship with yourself. Inevitably, pain and struggle will happen in life. However, by being loving, kind, and compassionate, you will lessen your suffering and improve your mental health. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance, even in the face of failure. Especially in the face of failure.

I encourage others to practise self-compassion. Be more gentle and kind with yourself. Treat yourself the same way that you would treat a friend. Life is not easy but you can lessen your troubles if you have a friend in yourself.

Nice Girls Can Ask For What They Want: A Look At Boundaries

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”

Brené Brown

Old Thinking

As a lifelong people-pleaser, it has taken tremendous work for me to learn to say no or be true to myself when I know it may disappoint others. Setting boundaries has been one of the most empowering skills that I have learned in recovery. I have finally realized that my own mental health is more important than pleasing others or avoiding disapproval. 

Since childhood, I have prioritized other people’s emotions as I did not like to let anyone down. Being passive and agreeable was a way to maintain peace. To me validation equaled love, so I did what (I thought) others wanted me to do or say to win their approval.  

I believed that being a good and likable girl meant not ‘ruffling feathers’ or ‘going against the grain’. I did not speak my mind and struggled to advocate for myself and state my needs. Being the best for me always meant saying yes. Saying no felt mean and selfish. 

I fell into this behaviour honestly enough as I was the middle child. My older brother and young sister both demanded considerable attention from my parents so I aimed to keep the peace and be the ‘good girl’ that did not need much. Growing up, my father frequently traveled for work which was taxing on my mother and I always felt her heightened stress while he was away. I did whatever necessary to alleviate the pressure on her and help maintain order. 

Unbeknownst to my family and I, my tendencies toward people-pleasing and perfectionism had manifested into internal struggles. I started showing signs of disordered eating by age 8 and was in treatment for an eating disorder by age 12. In hindsight, I was a little girl trying to find control in my world that felt out of control. 

This behaviour continued to plague me and led to many uncomfortable situations. When asked out by a guy, I would succumb to the pressure and go on dates that I did not want to simply because I struggled to say no or disappoint. Doing so caused tremendous anxiety and I steered clear of it at all costs. 

To the extent that I nearly married a man that I knew was not right for me. I said yes to this proposal because I did not want to have a hard conversation and break it off with him. Then the longer I avoided it, the harder it became. He was a genuinely good guy and I did not want to hurt his feelings despite knowing that I was also hurting him by not being truthful. We were engaged for over a year before I finally found the courage to tell him the truth just four months before the wedding date and with plans well underway. It was one of the most difficult conversations of my life but I am grateful that I finally did so for the sake of both of us. (Interestingly, after the fact, several people confided in me that they had been in the same position and did not follow their gut and wish they did – now either divorced or in an unhappy marriage). 

I have also struggled with boundaries in other relationships and friendships in my life, leaving me feeling powerless, anxious, and hurt. One particular relationship in my life caused me regular grief for over a decade. Previously I felt upset and confused by how I was being treated by this person, always being led to believe that I was the one at fault. I now know that this was manipulation and gas-lighting but poor boundaries and self-awareness prevented me from seeing the truth earlier. 

As I was so used to pleasing people and not true to my own feelings and intuition, I was consistently out of touch with my own needs and wants.  This caused a disconnect, and loss of both identity and trust in myself. I have often wondered if my sexual assault could have been prevented if I had stronger boundaries and trusted my gut. I no longer blame myself for his actions but feel it was another example of getting into a situation that did not feel right but I did not want to appear difficult or ask to leave. This is all the more reason why I am determined to raise brave daughters with strong boundaries and ability to self-advocate. 

Learned in Recovery

Not surprisingly, a lack of boundaries and people-pleasing took a toll on my mental health. Recovery has allowed me to see the many psychological costs to not saying no or having healthy limits, such as: Anxiety; stress; depression, low self-esteem; poor mental health; lack of personal identity; bad relationships, and burnout (and more). 

The importance of boundaries and assertiveness was strongly emphasized and reiterated in rehab. Rightfully so as apparently there is a high correlation between mental health issues and poor boundaries. When I began my mental health recovery,  I was ignorant of the definition and value of either so that was a vital starting point.  

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves to maintain our mental health. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others without fear of disappointment. They are true to themselves and do not put others’ needs above their own.

Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights – expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways. Setting boundaries is an advanced form of assertiveness. It involves risk and entails taking a position about who you are, what you are willing to do or not do, and how you want to be treated and respected in your relationships.

Learning to set boundaries with others has been difficult and tedious. In rehab, we were given multiple opportunities to practise role-playing boundaries with others to prepare us for hard conversations.  I learned about the WIN Statement which I now regularly use. It is an acronym composed of three parts to assert your boundaries to someone: “When You…” “I Feel…” “Next Time…”. For example, it could be as simple as: “When you are late, I feel like you do not respect my time. Next time, I would appreciate it if you let me know. Thank you”. 

This approach has given me the strategies to be assertive and speak my mind in a respectful way. Previously that would have felt confrontational to me so I would avoid it but then feel resentful about it and maybe hold a grudge. I can now politely and assertively tell people what is and what is not ok with me. Then let it go. It is building mature and effective dialogue in interpersonal situations. 

I learned that boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. The less you set healthy boundaries, the more you give others a signal that you do not know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting people who will take advantage of your lack of boundaries. Furthermore, poor boundaries can be confusing and frustrating for others. For example, I used to be outwardly agreeable with my family but then felt bitter that my opinion did not matter. Fortunately, I no longer act with such immaturity and now state my opinion and needs, thus improving the health of all of my relationships (my family and I have since laughed about this but they appreciate my new approach). 

Regarding relationships, the aforementioned person that used to cause me tremendous anxiety is still in my life today. The difference now is that recovery has given me the skills to set my boundaries. I no longer accept their emotional outbursts or manipulation and have clearly stated what I will and will not accept from them. At first this was extremely uncomfortable and came off as confrontational. They initially reacted quite aggressively to me. I had been forewarned about this happening and to expect that reaction as people will inevitably get upset when you are changing the rules. How they want to play the game is no longer an option in your relationship. It has taken practise and repetition but I have stood firm in my new position. The bottom line is that respecting my own boundaries is more important than pleasing others. I was told that if someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it is just more evidence that boundaries need to be set. Thankfully, after some growing pains, our relationship is now healthier with a newfound respect for each other. 

I also learned that women, particularly care-giving women, are generally worse with boundary-setting. They tend to give and take care of others while often neglecting their own needs which creates burnout. As a mom and kindergarten teacher, I regularly feel pulled in many caregiving directions. While I love my responsibilities, attending to the needs of little humans all day is emotionally exhausting. If I do not take the necessary time to re-energize myself then I will not have a full tank to care for my daughters, young students, or myself. 

New Thinking

Recovery has shown me that having the courage to set boundaries is a game-changer. Remember that list of psychological effects of not setting boundaries? Well the benefits of setting boundaries are abundant, including personal empowerment; enhanced self-esteem and self-respect, increased well-being; healthier relationships; and more energy. 

As someone that previously had few boundaries, learning to set boundaries has been a long, uncomfortable process. That being said, it has been well worth it because today I feel healthier and calmer having boundaries in place and more security in my relationships.  

Setting boundaries and being assertive has increased my awareness of my own wants and needs. I have gained some confidence and sense of identity as I no longer feel compelled to go along with the wishes of others. Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you should do it.

I no longer fear disappointing others. I will still go out of my way to help and care for others but no longer sacrifice my own wellness to do so.

Boundaries have improved my relationships with others. They are difficult to set but often they are also difficult for others to respect. Particularly if you did not previously set boundaries because suddenly you are changing the rules. Inevitably, some people will be defensive or resistant to your boundaries but that is not your issue. Setting boundaries with others should not be perceived as a threat or confrontational. It is you merely stating what works and does not work for you and your well-being. Boundaries are a way of saying that there are consequences for negative actions towards you. It is also an investment in the relationship’s future to navigate things in a healthy way. 

Unfortunately, some may not see it that way. If they were used to getting their way by being passive aggressive, guilting you, or shifting blame then they may not respect the new boundaries. Others will tell you that it is miscommunication and you are misinterpreting it. These are also examples of gas-lighting because they refuse to take responsibility and see their role in it. Remember their response is not your issue. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. Regrettably, I have needed to cut some people out of my life that did not value my new boundaries. 

Stating your needs and limits is an act of self-love. Give yourself the respect that you deserve and pay attention to your own needs. I encourage my daughters to pay attention to how their body feels and whether or not they are comfortable. For example, I expect my girls to be asked first if they would like a hug or kiss and they have the right to decline if they so choose. At first I worried that I would offend others by allowing my daughters to decline their affection (especially from family) but ultimately it is their body and right to choose if someone touches it. That is empowering for a girl to know. My daughters also know that they do not need to say yes to an invitation out of obligation, if they do not feel like going or it does not sit well in their gut. As I am also learning, we are teaching them that kindness and compassion can still be accomplished while being assertive and having boundaries. 

I encourage others to implement boundaries into their own lives to experience the same empowerment. Start by ditching any people-pleasing tendencies and asking yourself what you want or need. The WIN Statement is helpful to face difficult conversations and stating your limits with others.

There are many hard truths about boundaries. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to navigate but setting boundaries does not make you demanding or mean. Your own needs are being prioritized by ensuring that you are taking care of yourself first. It is not your job to make everyone else comfortable all the time. Plus it is exhausting.

Remember that if you avoid the conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.

Unlocking the Power of Vulnerability in Recovery

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”

Brené Brown

Old Thinking

Years ago I could not imagine much worse than emotional exposure. I did whatever I could to hide my true emotions and self from the world. To me, vulnerability felt weak and unsafe. Learning to be vulnerable has been one of the most difficult and rewarding aspects of my recovery. 

I used to fear vulnerability and was a master of disguise – hiding my emotions behind a facade of perfectionism and avoidance. Since I was a child, I have struggled with being my true self. I was eager to please and avoided conflict. I preferred to keep the peace and others happy, morphing into whatever I thought others wanted me to be.  I had unconsciously learned that being small and agreeable allowed me to avoid uncomfortable situations and control the narrative of how people saw me. 

As a result, I was disconnected from myself and others; using food to numb at an early age and turning to alcohol in my teenage years. Leaving home to attend university exacerbated my inner struggles. Perfectionism allowed me to project to others that I had it all together while secretly feeling insecure and inadequate. 

While already a people-pleaser by nature, being sexually assaulted as a teenager left me in a state of emotional paralysis. My nervous system was overwhelmed and shut down. A response of trauma is fear of vulnerability and emotional avoidance. Denial is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. By not acknowledging my emotions or what had happened to me, I was blocking it out and keeping myself safe. 

Consequently, I lacked deep connections with others because I was emotionally closed off. I had many people in my life but mostly at a superficial level as I kept them at a distance. I could not connect with others on an emotional level as I was numb on the inside. This was isolating and perpetually kept the cycle of depression and mental illness strong. 

When I went to rehab the second time, the doctors doubted that I would be successful in the program due to my obvious avoidance of vulnerability and perfectionism. One doctor went so far as to ask why I bothered staying because I clearly was not ready to change. Masking my vulnerability was so natural to me that I did not even realize that I was doing it. I could lie to your face about how I was doing and not think twice.

One thing about rehab is that they love talking about emotions. You meet multiple times a day to check-in but do not dare say “I feel good” when asked how you are feeling. You will promptly be told that ‘good’ is not a feeling and referred to the massive feelings wheel to better pinpoint your specific emotion then try again. 

Alright then I feel mad for all the stupid rules and expectations in rehab. Or I feel guilty for being here while my family is at home. Or how about that I feel perpetually sad? Any of those would work. 

Instead I simply reply: “I am happy” hoping to avoid further scrutiny or discussion. While far from the truth, perfectionism was deeply ingrained in me and truthfully, I did not know how to break free from it. I simply did not have the emotional safety and ability to identify, experience, and process all that was being brought to the surface. Not surprisingly, even while in rehab, I resorted to old coping habits to deal with the discomfort I was feeling (i.e. relapsing with alcohol, and restricting food). I simply could not be vulnerable. 

Learned in Recovery

Eventually, with the threat of being discharged, I was forced out of my comfort zone. Medical staff acknowledged that the process would be difficult for me but I had to at least put in some effort. I slowly began opening up and trying to identify and share how I was feeling with others. It was difficult as I felt exposed and unsafe. I did not want others to see the cracks in the image that I tried so hard to convey. What would people think of me? Would they see all my brokenness? Would they reject me?

Author Brené Brown speaks about vulnerability and has had a profound impact on my recovery. According to Brown, perfectionism (and lack of vulnerability) prevents one from having meaningful connections with others. She proceeds to say that “vulnerability is a catalyst to connection”. 

I experienced this firsthand as I started being open during group therapy and something shifted internally. By trusting and letting people in, I was forming genuine connections to others on an emotional level. This was new to me and although it was uncomfortable, I felt less alone. I also became more self-aware and compassionate to myself and those around me. 

I laughed immensely and experienced true joy at rehab. Not because it was a particularly enjoyable place to be but because I was learning to put down my facade in a safe environment with others with related issues. Many of us had been emotionally avoidant and were all learning to be vulnerable and forming connections with others for the first time since childhood. The term “recovery” means to “get back” and that is precisely what was happening. We were returning to a healthy state of mind before we got sidetracked by fear. 

Learning to put my guard down and be real and honest was grudgingly painful. Sometimes I would catch myself falling back into perfectionism and dodging vulnerability, especially when things got emotionally difficult. As I pulled away and retreated back into myself, the loneliness resumed and I was reminded of my newfound need for connection – which came from a willingness to have an open heart and be vulnerable.

New Thinking

Recovery has taught me the beauty of vulnerability as a key part of mental wellness. I no longer fear vulnerability or see it as a weakness. “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage” asserts Brown. The benefits of being vulnerable are immeasurable and life-changing.

Brown also said that: “when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be known, we cultivate love.” My marriage and relationships have been radically enriched since I have learned to embrace vulnerability and truly be seen and known. I feel more loving towards life, myself and others. I now experience a deeper love for (and from) my daughters, husband, family, and friends. It is a new wonderful feeling and I truly bask in the comfort of loving and being loved without holding back. 

Vulnerability has given me the capacity to have meaningful relationships and a sense of belonging. High quality connections with others is integral to well-being. An important aspect of strong relationships is trust which builds emotional bonds and comes from being vulnerable. That includes allowing others to see the real you: flaws and all. There is beauty in imperfection. (Plus it’s exhausting trying to pretend to be something that you are not!)

Perfectionism used to protect me by keeping people at a distance but is now counterproductive to healing. Overcoming perfectionism means the acceptance of discomfort and embracing life on life’s terms. Brown asserts that: “Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”. I no longer strive to convey myself as having it all together or hide my flaws from others. I worry less about what others think of me. This has been one of the most difficult yet liberating realizations. My happiness is no longer contingent on what others think of me, nor is it any of my business. 

Feeling vulnerable has gradually become more natural. I finally feel emotionally safe to do so although admittedly it can be difficult at times. The difference is that I no longer use food or alcohol to numb or hide from my emotions. I now know that by avoiding my emotions, I was not just escaping the uncomfortable ones but also the pleasant ones. Ultimately, no emotion lasts forever; they come and go, rise and fall, like waves in the ocean. Fortunately, as I have learned to deal with my emotions and they have become more consistently stable, I do not experience such extreme highs and lows anymore. Which if we are talking waves is not good news for a surfer, but pretty ok for me.

I have learned that without processing your emotions, they do not go away.  Instead they become amplified and leave a residual effect in your life of unresolved business (often a root cause of addiction or other mental health issues). Denial does not work because your body does not forget. By embracing emotions as they come, you are taking control before emotions take control of you. 

Committing to vulnerability takes courage but is necessary to living an authentic life. The benefits of doing so are incredible. I continue to welcome vulnerability in my life and encourage others to do the same. By doing so, your relationships will be strengthened; your anxiety diminished; your self-awareness and self-compassion increased; and you will develop a greater appreciation of life. 

If you are courageous enough to be vulnerable, then expect positive things to come your way: “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love” according to Brown. 

As evident, I hold Brené Brown in high esteem as her book has drastically enhanced my life: “Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live”. As Brown stresses, if you want to grow and live a meaningful life then you need to ‘lean into the discomfort’ and challenge old habits. This includes being vulnerable and learning to be authentically yourself. I highly recommend the book as my life has been transformed by breaking down my facade and allowing others to know me. 

Step out of your shadow and let your light shine! There is only one you so embrace your authentic self and reap the rewards of being genuine. 

From Suicide to Serenity: My Story of Hope

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending”

Brené Brown

Where I Was

Five years ago today, I woke up in the hospital after an intentional overdose. I was depressed and hopeless, not believing that I would overcome all my inner struggles. I strongly believed that my young daughters and family were better off without me. 

That fateful day marked the beginning of a long, difficult road to get well. Today I barely recognize the broken girl that I used to be. My story has gone from one of sadness and desperation to one filled with love and hope. I have been completely transformed and feel like I have a new chance at life. 

During my darkest time, I made a vow. I promised to share how to get well if I can figure it out. I would also tell others how to do it too. Having said that, welcome to the start of my blog and sharing of my recovery journey. 

Let me go back to the beginning. I have long struggled with my mental health. I grew up in a loving family and while a happy child, I remember experiencing anxiety from a young age. Although at the time, I did not know what I was feeling and simply felt restless and uneasy. 

As a young child, I was a people–pleaser. I used being a “good girl” to hide my uncomfortable emotions. An eating disorder was an early refuge from my inner nerves. In hindsight, I was a little girl. I was trying to find order in my world. This happened when things felt out of my control. By grade 4, I was showing signs of disordered eating. By age 12, I was in treatment for an eating disorder.

My life derailed at age 15, when I was sexually assaulted. It instantly left me feeling detached from myself and the world, as I struggled to at the same time comprehend and bury what had happened. I was left in a paralyzed state – overwhelmed, ashamed, and broken. 

Despair took hold of me and shortly thereafter I attempted suicide. I survived and was hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward for nearly 2 weeks. Afterward, I returned to high school. I acted like everything was normal. I hid behind perfectionism, distractions, and a variety of vices (mainly disordered eating and alcohol). I simply shut down; incapable of dealing with my emotions. I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered. 

I was traumatized and the trajectory of my life completely altered. 

I struggled with my mental health throughout university. Eventually, I went to treatment for anorexia and bulimia in New York State after my third year. Counselors wanted me to discuss my past sexual trauma. I panicked. I dropped out of the treatment program early. As a result, my eating disorder persisted and my mental health remained poor. 

For twenty years, my issues persisted but I always hoped that the next thing (e.g. new job, wedding, parenthood, buying a home, beauty secret etc.) would bring me happiness. Predictably, nothing filled the void and my emptiness continued. I felt a definite ‘hole in my soul.’ I tried to fill it in all the wrong places. This behavior perpetuated my mental illness.

I was like a pressure cooker with the pressure mounting. For more than two decades, I struggled with my mental health. I was in denial. I vehemently avoided my emotions and felt detached from life. Not surprisingly, this led to multiple stints in psych wards, rehab, and jail. Plus a whole lot of drama and worry. (I am incredibly thankful for my amazing husband, family, and friends that stood by and supported me).

Without release, a pressure cooker will eventually explode. That’s exactly what happened to me five years ago. I was depressed, hopeless, and overwhelmed with life – confident that I was a failure and would never get better. This false belief caused me to try suicide and landed me in hospital; thus beginning my long recovery journey. 

A Seed of Hope

After having my stomach pumped, I laid awake for much of the night feeling ashamed and defeated. I was a mom to two beautiful young daughters. Now, Family and Children’s Services was assessing whether I was mentally fit to mother my own children. 

The emergency psychiatrist evaluated me and reviewed my history. He suggested that I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after sexual assault. He also mentioned that many of my issues be rectified if I mentally processed that event. 

He proceeded to explain that traumatic experiences shape the brain and change neurobiology. Your experiences influence who you are. They also affect how you behave socially. Additionally, they impact you emotionally and physically. 

This conversation gave me hope and was pivotal to understanding my own trauma. I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it. 

I was finally capable of seeing that I acted the way I did. It wasn’t because I was crazy. It was because I had experienced trauma and had not dealt with it. 

I felt hopeful that I could recover and that moment was the start of my recovery journey. I promptly took a leave from teaching to focus on getting well. The decision was quickly made. I would go to Homewood (rehab center) to intensively focus on my mental health struggles. This would take place during their eight-week in-patient program. 

When I arrived at rehab, doctors openly doubted my future success in the program. My shield of perfectionism was obvious. My fear of vulnerability was not congruent with the group therapy model. 

I certainly struggled to be open and vulnerable. My sense of loneliness gradually diminished as I connected and felt understood by others with related issues.  I genuinely laughed and felt a little lighter for the first time in a long time. Yet, as at my earlier treatment facility, I left Homewood with unfinished business. I still would not discuss my trauma. 

I learned many valuable skills while at rehab. I grew in many ways. Nonetheless, my poor coping strategies were most familiar and accessible. Practising daily recovery habits proved difficult at home with two young daughters. I relapsed and my life quickly began to spiral out of control again. I left Homewood in May 2019 and was back in November for another eight-week program. 

I knew that things were not going to improve. I was not going to keep sobriety or mental wellness. This would persist until I faced and worked through what had happened to me, whether I wanted to or not. Denial of trauma is a defense mechanism that protects you from emotional pain. Except that was not working for me anymore. Now it was only causing me more pain and destruction. My recovery was my responsibility and I needed to own it. 

I went back to rehab. I worked tremendously hard for a time. But as I had done before, I fled when things got too emotionally difficult. For the third consecutive time, I dropped out of rehab against medical advice in December 2019. 

A lot happened in my life after this. I lost my driver’s license for leaving rehab against doctor’s orders. I continued outpatient day treatment. Then, I broke my ankle and required surgery, which rendered me unable to walk for 3 months. It eventually took a full year and another surgery as my ankle did not heal properly. Of course, Covid disrupted the world, affecting everyone. Needless to say, I continued my downward spiral (and was a magnet for chaos). 

I had already gone to rehab twice in the previous year. I was still struggling with alcohol and food. I felt increasingly hopeless about ever recovering. I was not in a good place emotionally, spiritually or physically. 

In July 2020, this reckless behavior came to a halt. I was pulled over and charged with impaired driving. I was placed in a jail cell. I sat hugging my legs against the cold concrete wall for hours. I was just going over things in my head. 

I was immensely disappointed in myself. I knew that I only move ahead. I had to accept the ramifications of my actions. I recognized that this was my final rock bottom and the wake-up call that I desperately needed. I thanked God profusely for keeping myself and others safe while I was driving that day. Things could have easily ended in a tragically different way. 

Miraculously, in the days after my arrest and time in jail, I felt an obvious shift within me. I had an epiphany. All the craziness in my life, pain, and struggle was making sense. I was finally capable of seeing it. I realized that everything in my life happened exactly as it did for a reason, including my trauma. Without these events, I would not have my two beautiful daughters.  There was no point in continuing to run away from my past. This new acceptance brought tremendous peace as I was able to embrace my past as necessary to my current.

This change of heart put me in the right direction. I still had to face the consequences of my criminal charges. Additionally, I needed to put the necessary work into maintaining my recovery. The point is that I saw the work ahead of me. I no longer felt my usual avoidance or trepidation. Instead, I had a newfound faith and stillness in my heart. 

I stopped drinking and committed to getting and staying sober. I still struggled with disordered eating but giving up alcohol was a necessary starting point. The longer I gave up alcohol, the clearer my thoughts became, and I started noticing big shifts in my thinking. The absence of alcohol brought about significant changes. My willingness to be honest and open with myself also contributed to these changes. 

I stayed off work for another year as I continued to solidify my recovery. I was 14 months alcohol-free when I gradually returned to work in fall 2021. Unfortunately, shortly after returning to work full-time, I started experiencing signs of diminished mental health. By January 2022, I continued a downturn. I turned again to dysfunctional coping strategies to manage. These included eating disorder behaviours and using marijuana. This affected my ability to be an effective teacher. 

I had made good progress during my earlier few years. Yet, it was clear that I still had some issues to work through. These issues were keeping me in a state of mental sickness. My doctor agreed and I reluctantly took yet another leave of absence from work during the 2022/2023 school year. This decision was especially difficult. I had to admit that I returned to work and failed. So, I had to take another leave. 

I decided against inpatient treatment. I was motivated to recover and felt like being at home was best for my family. I worked with a dietitian three times weekly to gain weight. I also focused on developing consistent eating habits and improving my relationship with food. Additionally, I had sessions twice weekly with a counselor where we focused on trauma recovery. It was a productive and healing year – the necessary final leg of my long wellness journey. 

In September 2023, I returned to teaching Kindergarten full-time. That was the first time in my career that I felt calm and content with both life and work. I enjoy my job and it feels rewarding to be back in the classroom and school community. That being said, I am still learning to trust calm and stillness, as chaos was before most familiar and comfortable. 

Where I Am Now

Today I feel completely transformed as I have a peace within that I never thought possible. I now have healthy coping strategies and am 3.5 years alcohol-free; sober, and without disordered eating habits. I am no longer stuck in inner chaos. I have learned how to calm my emotional storms and take control of my well-being. 

Today I feel completely transformed as I possess a peace within that I never thought possible.

I feel blessed to have a second chance at life. I have since learned that alcohol, eating disorder and perfectionism were not my problem – they were my solution. Fear was my problem. I was afraid of facing my emotions; fearful of vulnerability; fearful of not measuring up; fearful of failure and more. Instead of facing my fears, I found ways to avoid and hide behind them. I have since learned that fear is a liar. I cannot always believe the fear that creeps inside my head. 

Author Brené Brown’s words deeply resonated with me. They gave me strength and courage to write my own ending to a story I once thought hopeless. “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.” After two decades, my sexual assault no longer defines or controls me. That is life-changing and empowering to me – I am grateful to have (finally) changed the end of my story.

I am proof that healing is possible and with that comes post-traumatic wisdom and growth. I have learned that sharing one’s story is powerful. Take what has happened to you. Turn it into power. I used to think of my vulnerabilities as weaknesses so I hid my true self from the world. I now embrace vulnerability. I feel compelled to share what I have gained along my journey to mental wellness. I want to help others that are struggling. 

Recovery is not easy but it is well worth it. Recovery is a choice and you have to want to get better, despite all the obstacles that lay ahead. And when you have hope, you will never be alone. Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step. 

Throughout my recovery, writing has become a therapeutic outlet. I have discovered that I am louder on the inside than I have ever known. My story’s ending is continually evolving. I step out of my darkness and continue my pursuit of becoming authentically me. I am no longer ashamed of my past and now see the strength and courage in my recovery. My future feels bright and hopeful. I am excited to see where my recovery journey will continue to take me. I look ahead to sharing all that I have learned along the way – hope, healing, and owning your story.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my story. :-) 

If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out for help. You are not alone. Reach out and connect with someone. 

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

If you are not in crisis but looking for additional mental health support, there are numerous free apps or online resources for dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, PTSD etc. 

Recovery is possible and you are worth it!!